Pride
Thailand, Colin found, resembled Morocco in one key way—it bore the striking dichotomy of ancient majesty alongside modern chaos. This held especially true in Bangkok, their first lodging. Colin discovered quickly that it was a city that was both breathtakingly traditional and so cutting edge that it could make you bleed.
Bangkok was merely a layover for Saraburi, some 130 kilometers to the north, where the battle in India would be shot in Phu Kae Botanical Garden. Work on turning the garden into a jungle had begun weeks before, and Oliver had hoped to have it done by the time they arrived in Thailand. However, as fate often ignores the plans of mere mortals, setbacks and mistakes saw it a week or two from completion when they arrived. Oliver had use of a studio in Bangkok, so in the meantime they were scraping scenes together here and there, waiting for the word.
With little work to do, sightseeing and shopping was the order of the day. There were amazing temples, markets, and museums to visit. There were also fabulous bars and clubs and plenty of people to join Colin in touring them. One of these people, however, was not Jared.
From the moment they had arrived in Thailand, and even before, he had started distancing himself from Colin's company. Colin wasn't sure if he was embarrassed, angry, or simply ‘getting over it' as he had said. Colin didn't pressure him or ask questions. It was probably better that way.
So why then, did he feel like he'd lost his best friend? Or at least a partner in crime?
Even others noticed that Jared was no longer attached to Colin's side, as Val pointed out over breakfast one morning.
“Where's your better half?” He asked. “Did Alexander and wee ‘Phaistion have a fight?”
“How should I know where he is?” Colin snapped from behind his paper—some of it was in English. “It's not my fucking turn to baby sit.”
After such an embarrassing outburst, Colin forced himself to get over the drama and asked out the girl from the camera crew who'd told him the djellaba suited him. Her name was Stephanie.
“She's hot,” Jonathan told Colin, while they were shopping in Suan Lum together. “But you're not gonna hit the town with Jared?”
“Why is everyone so worried about Jared?” Colin said testily. Once again, he was shopping for gifts for his family, though some jewelry had caught his eye. “When did I become his nanny?”
Jonathan raised an eyebrow, giving him a knowing look. “Lover's spat?”
“Very funny,” Colin was growing more and more irritable over the situation. “Why don't you go find Francisco? I'm sure he appreciates your humor.”
“I'm looking for a gift for him, actually.” Jonathan leaned over the jewelry case that Colin was looking in. “Oh, that's a nice bracelet. You think he'd like that?”
“How should I know?”
“Hm, no. I think that's more something for Jared. Don't you agree? Kind of bold and sassy like him?”
Colin left him, hoping he got mugged.
It just so happened that the night he took Stephanie out, he ran into Jared. They'd gone to Lucifers, a trendy club for techno and wild partying. A bunch of other people from the film were there, and Colin suspected this was because he had told Jonathan where he was going that night. ‘Follow Colin Around' was their new game to annoy him.
Jared had been growing out his facial hair for the India scenes, and he'd had extensions put in his hair so he looked a bit wild and wooly, putting Colin in mind of a mountain man. It was an odd look mixed with tight, hip-hugging jeans and a slinky red shirt that showed off his stomach.
“I didn't know you were here,” Colin said, after nearly running into him on his way to the bar. Jared was holding two glasses filled with beer.
“Why would you?” Jared looked impatient to get past him. “You just saw me.”
“I saw some of the others,” Colin looked around. For some reason he didn't want to step aside and let him pass. “Great club, huh?”
“It's all right.” They were talking loudly to be heard over the music, but Jared's voice was flat and forced. Jared looked around him, his eyes never meeting Colin's. “I gotta get back to the table.”
Colin looked down at his glasses and counted again. One, two. One, two.
“Oh, you here with somebody?”
“Yeah, I'll see you later.” Jared moved around him and breezed off, disappearing into the crowd. Colin watched him go, wondering what exactly he had done to deserve such cold treatment. Maybe, again, it was just Jared's way of ‘getting over it.'
Colin went to the bar and ordered drinks for him and Stephanie. He planned to ply her with a few beers and some conversation, then let his masculinity back out to dance around. It was already bouncing gleefully inside his head, eager to smell the open air again.
The night was officially ruined though, and Colin didn't even know it until he realized he was sitting at the table in front of a nearly-full drink, brooding more than he was listening to Stephanie talk. A hurt little boy was sitting slumped in his stomach, whining and demanding to know why Jared was being so mean. Not that it mattered to him—why should it? Cause you didn't do anything to him, the jerk! the little boy inside him bleated. Yes, that was it. He didn't do anything to deserve being snubbed, and he was a little ticked off about it.
Colin got up and went to the bathroom, his eyes scanning the crowded club as he weaved around tables and people. Maybe he was gone already. He tried to think about Stephanie. Stephanie who had a nice low-cut top on and kept grinning salaciously at him. Stephanie with her pretty shiny pink eye shadow and her blond curls. She smelled so nice, too.
Coming back from the bathroom, thinking about peeks of Stephanie's pink bra, he saw him. He was sitting at a table near the dance floor, leaning forward in his seat and talking to someone. That someone was a young man with shaggy blond hair and a rather cute face, a young man that, after a moment, Colin remembered as one of the extras. He was obviously enamored with Jared and whatever he was saying, because his eyes were wide and bright and he was smiling hugely. Or maybe he was tripping on E. Their faces were so close together Colin thought they might kiss at any moment.
“I'm not feeling very well,” Colin told Stephanie when he got back to the table, his hand on his stomach. Indeed, he felt like he might throw up. “I think it's all the different foods lately. Or maybe it's the water.”
Stephanie fussed over him and offered to drive back to the hotel. He let her, only because his hands didn't seem to want to uncurl from the fists they were in.
She left him at his room with proper regrets expressed by both parties, but somehow he ended up back downstairs in the lobby, sitting on a couch and staring at the entrance to the hotel. Maybe he wouldn't come back tonight, though. Maybe he'd never come back.
His mind was having a vicious argument with itself, and he worried after awhile that someone would actually see his head throbbing.
What's all this about then? A sour, surly voice sneered from one side. What are you so fucking upset about? Because your fuck buddy has someone new to fuck?
It's just the principle of the thing, a softer, more reasonable voice spoke from the other side. We didn't do anything to him, we didn't hurt him or turn him away or make him feel like shit. Why does he pointedly have to make us feel like shit?
You're just a jealous prat, the other voice cajoled.
I'm not jealous! What have I got to be jealous about? He's the one that's so damn smitten with me, not the other way around! Colin was pretty sure that was his own voice adding to the mix.
Oh, you could have handled it, the taunting voice sneered back. You could have taken it on the chin and turned your back…
If it was anything but another man, the soft voice whispered regretfully.
Colin rubbed his hands over his face. He was going absolutely fucking insane. The desk clerk looked up at him warily, then back down at whatever he was doing on the desk. Did he look crazy as well?
He got up and went out, and smoked a cigarette outside the lobby doors. The carport ceiling was high above him and everything was echoing and airy. The sounds of the city reached him in a low, constant buzz. His chest felt hollow and no matter how much smoke he sucked in, it wouldn't fill up.
He eventually went back inside and checked the clock. It was after midnight. He wondered how long the hotel bar was open.
Just as he was pondering this, the door behind him opened, a warm gust of air hitting his back. He turned and looked, and his stomach jumped when he saw it was Jared—alone, looking tired, his hair slipping out of the ponytail it was in. He stopped short when he saw Colin.
Colin stared at him, and Jared stared back. Colin suddenly felt angry—angry for the way he felt, the way Jared had made him feel. Angry that Jared had ruined his evening, however inadvertently.
“Hey,” Jared said, and resumed walking, making to move past him. “What are you doing down here?”
“Just came back from the bar,” Colin turned to follow his progress.
“Oh. Good night then.”
“Wait a fucking minute!” The desk clerk looked up in alarm as Colin yelled. Colin lowered his voice, Jared turning to look back at him questioningly. “What the fuck is your problem?”
“My problem?” Jared blinked owlishly at him. “Didn't know I had one. I was just going up to my room to crash.”
“Yeah, exactly.” Colin told himself not to seethe, it was stupid and unmanly. “You haven't said a complete sentence to me since we got here. You're always fucking running off!” He made a gesture toward the elevators.
Jared was silent for a moment. Colin could see him choosing his words. “Sorry. I've had my mind on a lot of things.”
“Yeah, and I know exactly what.” Colin lowered his voice more, moving closer to him.
Jared's face changed. Anger replaced the indifference, his eyes clouding and darkening with it. He got up in Colin's face, close enough for Colin to feel his breath as he spoke, low and hissing. “I'm not the one with the fucking problem. How many fucking times have I told you, reassured you every time that you get anxious for no damn good reason, that I don't want anything from you? How many times have I had to pet you and calm you down, but you just get fucking bent out of shape again? I don't want anything from you. Do you understand that? I'm not asking you for anything!”
“Oh, so that's why you're giving me the silent treatment,” Colin said, not backing down. “That's why you're ignoring me and trying to make me feel like an asshole! You're manipulating me!”
“I'm not manipulating you!” Jared's voice rose, and he stepped back. “I can't believe this. First you're upset because I won't leave you alone, now you're pissed off because I am!”
“I never told you to stay away from me!” Colin was shouting now too, and the desk clerk was watching them anxiously. “When did I ever tell you to fucking leave me alone!”
“Oh God,” Jared waved a hand and shook his head. “I'm letting you go Colin. Why can't you do the same?” He turned and stalked toward the elevators.
Colin looked after him, incredulous. He couldn't leave it at that though. The voices were yammering in his head and he followed quickly.
“Hey!” Colin grabbed his arm just as they reached the elevators. Jared wrenched away from him, glaring.
“Don't be a fucking drama queen, Colin.”
Colin stayed by the elevators with him, intending to get on with him, because he had more to say. Jared pounded on the button, and tried to push him back when the doors opened, but Colin got on. Jared sighed in disgust.
“You're making a huge fucking scene,” he crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from Colin as the doors closed, Colin standing on the opposite side of the elevator, arms equally crossed.
“I'm not letting you get away until you tell me why you're acting like such a prick,” Colin said.
“I'm not the one acting like a prick,” Jared turned and gave him a pointed look. “You're the one who has a problem with me leaving you alone.”
“I never told you to leave me alone!” Colin reiterated.
“What does it matter?” Jared tilted his head to the side, his arms still crossed over his chest, and gave a taunting smirk. “Why do you give a fuck if I'm around or not? You never did before.”
“Because you're my friend!” Colin was ashamed of his own belligerence, but couldn't stop. “Whether we're fucking or not,” Colin gave an anxious look at the security camera in the corner, hoping the people on the other end of it didn't speak English. “You're still my friend. You can't just discard me like that. If you do, you're an asshole.”
“I have done nothing but spare you!” Jared uncrossed his arms, pointing forcefully downward, his voice becoming strained with anger. “I have done nothing but keep you from being inconvenienced or put out. Isn't that what a friend does? I let the fucking be fucking and that be that. I never tried to smother you, or make you have feelings for me! I never asked you to love me! I've never even told you I loved you outright! I've been the best friend you could ask for. How dare you stand there now and tell me I'm the one being a selfish, thoughtless prick!” Jared was almost in his face now, backing Colin up against the wall.
“You haven't spared me a moment since you met me! You've never let up!”
“Now I am!” Jared practically screamed. His face was livid, blue eyes burning with rage. “Why won't you let me go!”
Colin did something then, unexpected even to himself. He grabbed Jared's face, all that coarse hair grating under his palms, and kissed him soundly. English or not, that was pretty clear, he lamented belatedly.
He kissed him hard, fierce, his lips smashed against Jared's unyielding lips, gripping his face tightly, so tightly he was trembling. Then he let him go forcefully so he stumbled back. Jared's lips were bright red, his eyes wide.
“Just because I don't love you doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you,” Colin whispered.
Jared stared at him for a long moment, his breathing hitched, then he paused, not breathing at all. A second later he moved into action, and hauled off and punched Colin in the chest, making him gasp and stumble back, hitting the wall. Great, now security would be waiting for them when the doors opened.
“Prick,” Jared whispered, withdrawing to his side of the elevator.
“Ow!” Colin rubbed at his chest, wincing. “What the hell was that for!”
“Figured you needed a punch to the heart as well.”
They were silent, Jared with his arms crossed over his chest again, leaning against his wall. Colin leaned against his, rubbing his chest and gritting his teeth. The numbers above the door lit up one by one, until the elevator came to a halt. The doors opened.
Jared moved through them and out into the hall. No security guards were waiting for them. He stopped and looked back at Colin, and Colin held his breath. Jared motioned for him to follow.
Colin wasn't sure if it was an invitation to his room, if all was forgiven—or if it was just even—but he followed. They strolled slowly down the hallway, side by side, toward Jared's room. They were silent, until Jared spoke softly.
“You remember that day in the Sahara, when we were filming the aftermath of Guagamela?”
Colin remembered, only too well. He nodded and spoke just as softly. “Yes, I remember.”
Jared slowed his pace even more, and Colin slowed to keep in step with him. His chest still smarted from the punch.
“Everyone was covered in fake blood and gore,” Jared said. “And no one could concentrate. Everyone was playing around, pretending to die, stabbing at each other with their swords.” He snorted. “Oliver was ready to explode.”
Colin smirked, remembering. “Yeah, he was pretty pissed off at us that day.”
Jared slipped his hand into his front pocket and withdrew a keycard. “You couldn't get in character with all the distraction. And you were supposed to be crying, horrified at the enormity of it all.”
Colin didn't need him to tell the story, he knew the details quite well. He let him go on, though.
“So finally, I came over to help you.” They stopped outside one of the doors, and Jared turned to him, looking steadily into his eyes. “You said you couldn't get in character, you asked me to help you. Do you remember what I said?”
“Yes,” Colin looked back into his eyes, those blue depths calm now, the anger from before gone. “You said…you're Alexander, and I'm Hephaistion.”
“And I'm leaving you forever,” Jared said softly. “I can't take this anymore Alexander. I can't be with you. You'll never see me again.”
Colin swallowed, remembering how it felt that day, how quickly those words had jolted him into his character. He also remembered how Alexander had reacted to those words, words he had never dreamed in all his glorious days that he'd hear.
Jared shook his head, his gaze leaving Colin's. “And you cried. You cried like your heart was broken.” He looked back at him. “It was the first time I realized you had one.”
Colin didn't have any words. He looked down, shame battling with pride battling with a sense of his own selfishness inside him.
Jared turned to the door, turning the key card around in his hands. “The thing about Hephaistion though…” he looked up at Colin, and Colin looked back at him. “He never would have had the sense to say something like that. He was a stupid, stupid man.”
“He was in love,” Colin said. “You don't think about what's good for you when you're in love.”
Jared gave him an ironic smile, then swiped the keycard and opened the door. “I suppose, even if he did get the courage to say something like that, if Alexander had cried he would have come right back.”
Colin just gazed at him, not speaking.
“You need to take a lesson from Alexander,” Jared said softly. He reached out and touched Colin's lower lip with his thumb. Colin tasted the salt of his skin. “You need to realize that what makes you a man has nothing to do with who you sleep with.”
Jared's thumb left his lip and he moved through the door. It closed in Colin's face. Colin stared at it for a while, thinking it might open again, but when it didn't he stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked back to the elevator.
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