Home
“Here we are, home sweet home.” Colin swatted Jared, who was gazing out the opposite window. He looked at Colin, then ducked his head to peer out the front window.
“There?” Jared pointed to a rather non-descript white two-story building, surrounded by a wrought iron fence. It was old, hulking and dreary in the gray afternoon light. Eamon pulled the car through the gate and into the parking lot beside it.
“Yes,” Colin grinned over at Jared. They were sitting in the backseat together. “That's my flat there,” he pointed to a door on the bottom corner of the building. “God, I feel like I've been gone forever.”
He had actually only been away for a few months, but just seeing his home again helped ease the ache inside that felt like it had taken years to build. Oliver had been gracious in letting them go, since so much had been going on and they all needed a break. Francisco had been released from the hospital into the care of a sister in London, but hadn't been back yet to shoot his final scene since by law he now had to seek psychiatric care or be forced into it. Oliver and the writers had been retooling some past scenes in case they wouldn't be able to shoot with him again.
“This is so weird,” Jared was looking around at the quiet little neighborhood that surrounded them, cluttered with gardens—out of bloom now, but still green in places—and small, simple houses in neat rows.
“Why's it weird?” Colin grabbed his duffel bag from the floor. “It's just a simple little building in a simple little neighborhood.”
“Exactly,” Jared grabbed his as well. “That's why it's so weird that you live here.”
“Did you think I lived in a castle or something?”
“I figured you lived in a bar, actually.”
“I think you're about to see a whole new side of Mr. Hellcat,” Eamon turned, extending his arm over the back seat and holding his leather-gloved hand out. “I take tips for chauffeuring.”
Colin smirked. “Tell Mam we'll be by about six.”
“For secretarial duties as well,” Eamon shot Jared a wink as they climbed out and Jared grinned.
“Don't drive movie stars around, there's your tip,” Colin said
They walked up to the door, Colin fishing out his keys, Eamon pulling out behind them. Jared gazed at the cream-colored Lexus sitting outside the door as he walked slowly past it. “Such a respectable car as well.”
“Me real car's at me Mam's,” Colin was flipping through his keys, alarmed to find he couldn't completely remember which was the right one for the door. “It's a Porsche. I just drive that one around when I don't wanna show off.” He nodded toward the Lexus.
Jared came to stand beside him, his breath curling on the icy air. He had a gray scarf draped around his neck and a matching cap. He watched Colin try out several keys. “You know, I think the deeper we get into Ireland, the thicker your accent gets. Is that like, a property of the land? Will I start speaking it too?”
Colin grinned, finally driving the right key home. “Wait until I get with me family. You'll need a translator.”
The apartment was warm and smelled vaguely of window cleaner and carpet freshener. The blinds were drawn, and Colin switched on the lights. There was a clothesbasket sitting next to the door, filled with mail.
“Me Mam keeps the place up while I'm gone. She knew I was coming so she turned on the heat.” He slung his duffel bag into a chair. “Welcome to Casa de Farrell,” he spread his arms wide with a grin.
“Is that Spanish Irish?”
Jared stood in the middle of the living room looking around, his bag still on his shoulder. Colin's apartment was small, but for all the time he spent in it, it hardly mattered. The living room and small dining room flowed into each other, separated by a low bar with a planter built into it, currently filled with flowers—something one of his sisters had put in, not him. There was a small kitchen off the dining room, and back a short hallway two bedrooms and a bathroom. Most of the rooms were filled with simple furniture, decorated with no particular coherent theme. Colin had mostly rented the place for the floors, all gleaming bare hardwood with throw rugs here and there. He liked how the wood felt under his feet.
“Oh,” Jared went over to the mirror that spanned most of one wall in the living room, next to the door. “I like this,” he said softly, eyes traveling over it.
Most of it was covered with pictures. Pictures of friends, family, pictures from movie sets and places Colin had been. He had a lamp hanging from the ceiling above it to illuminate it. It was wired to switch on when he turned on the main lights.
Colin smiled and went over to his duffel bag. After some digging, he drew out the picture of him and Jared kissing with the little sparkly heart sticker still on it. He stuck it up on a free spot at the end. “There. That's a start.”
Jared smiled. “I'm too honored to laugh at you for being a dork.”
Colin smirked, pulling his coat off. “Want the grand tour?”
“Sure,” Jared slid his bag off his shoulder and sat it down next to the chair where Colin had put his. After Colin hung his coat up they walked over to the intersection of the living room and dining room, where they could also see the hallway.
Colin pointed as he spoke. “Living room, dining room, bedroom, toilet. Now I'm gonna go have a piss.”
Jared laughed as Colin went.
When he came back out, Jared was sitting in one of the chairs in the living room, peering into the crate that sat next to the stereo, which was filled with CD's. Colin wasn't even sure what was in there anymore.
“You need some shelves,” Jared said, also eyeing the piles of DVD's that sat on top of the television and around it. They were in neat stacks though, because Colin's mother wouldn't let them just sit about in disarray.
“Ah, I'm never here long enough to watch or listen to anything,” Colin waved his hand. “Mostly my sisters and nieces watch them and listen to them, if they come over with me Mam.”
“I heard a ‘my' in there,” Jared smiled up at him. “You're still speaking English. Quit slipping.”
Colin grinned and patted him on top the head. “Want a beer?”
“Sure.”
Colin found there was food in the refrigerator, enough for about a week. “Ah, me Mam's been shopping,” he said, pushing things aside to get to the beer. Keeping the beverages stocked was Eamon's job. Colin grabbed two and brought them back. “You better quit teasing me about the way I talk.”
“I can't. You're being so remarkable lately I don't have anything else to pick on,” Jared took the beer after Colin twisted the cap off for him. “Thank you for taking the lid off, mommy.”
Colin smirked and flopped down in the chair across from him. Jared had his coat and cap off now, bunched up in the chair behind him, his scarf still hanging around his neck. He looked around as he drank.
“You know,” Colin said softly, running his fingers idly over the cold bottle. “You're welcome here anytime you wish. I mean, after the movie and all. I'll get you a key made up.”
Jared raised an eyebrow, taking a drink of his beer. He lowered it and licked his lips. “Are you asking me to move in with you?”
“No,” Colin said quickly. “I'm just saying…if you ever need a place to crash, or hide out for a while. There's an extra room.”
Jared was quiet for a moment, smiling softly. “See, this is why I have to keep teasing you.”
Colin chuckled and took a drink of his beer. As he had hoped, being back in his apartment, being back home, he felt like some of the gouges from the past few months were at least soothed, if not completely healing.
“Show me your bedroom,” Jared smiled.
The bed was made, the clothes he'd left on the bed and chair when he'd been packing before he left hung up now. It smelled vaguely of vanilla room spray, which made Colin wrinkle his nose. He had a few posters next to the closet depicting classic movies, but the walls were mostly bare because he didn't have time to decorate them. He was always grabbing something on his travels to put up, but never quite got around to it.
“I don't sleep here often,” he said, patting the dark blue comforter on the bed. “Half the time I'm home I crash at me Mam's house or Eamon's.”
Jared walked slowly around the room, looking at things on the dresser, the vanity, the stand next to the bed. He made a soft sound and picked something up, then turned to Colin with it. It was a club poster from the night Colin had gone to see 30 Seconds to Mars, before shooting began.
Colin chuckled, sitting down on the bed. “I stole it when I saw your show.”
“Why's it on your bedside table?” Jared smirked, tapping his fingers against it. “Need a little inspiration at night?”
Colin grinned. “I hate to break your heart, but that's where I tossed all the stuff out of my duffel bag when I was getting ready to leave for filming.” He pointed to the books, several pieces of jewelry, and a CD case that were also sitting there. “Don't get rid of it though. I'll put it on the mirror.”
Jared smiled softly, folded it up, and handed it to him. “All right.”
They left the bedroom a few minutes later, Jared still looking around at everything. “You're welcome to sleep in there too,” Colin said softly. “If you come.”
Jared looked back at him, standing in the kitchen now, his arms crossed. He still hadn't taken his scarf off.
“Only if you're here.”
Colin smiled and went over to him. Jared lowered his arms and they shared a slow, deep kiss, Colin's arms slipping around him. It felt surreal, kissing Jared in the middle of his kitchen.
Colin eventually drew back and tapped his forehead against Jared's. The light outside the windows was dimming swiftly, the way it did in the latter part of the year. “We'll have to get ready to go to me Mam's soon,” he said softly, then smiled. “I think you'll like my family.”
“I already do,” Jared slid his arms around his neck, gazing into his eyes.
“You've only met Eamon.”
“Yeah, well.” Jared kissed him softly again. “Any family that cleans your apartment and brings you groceries and warms the place up before you get there is a treasure.” He smiled. “Not everyone is so lucky.”
“I am lucky,” Colin said softly. “What did I do to be so blessed, do you think?”
Jared chuckled. “I think you probably just blew the right person.”
*****
As soon as Colin stepped into the familiar warmth—and smell—of his mother's house, he knew he was truly home. Before he could even get his coat off, two dark-haired little girls came screeching like twin whirlwinds, pouncing on him.
“Christ, look how much you two have grown!” Colin laughed breathlessly, gathering them into his arms and lifting them up with a playful growl, making them shriek more.
“Watch your mouth,” his mother admonished him, but when he put the girls down, he had a big hug for her as well that lifted her off her feet and make her squeal just like them.
“Mam, this is Jared Leto, he's on the movie with me,” Colin motioned him around, from where he was hanging back behind him. “Jared, this is me Mam Rita, me sister Claudine,” he motioned toward the table in the cozy yellow kitchen, where his sister was stacking plates. “And me sister Catherine,” he motioned to the other woman who came through the kitchen door just then. “The mother of these two little chisellers,” he chuckled and ruffled the girl's hair, the two of them still clamoring around his legs.
“It's nice to meet you Jared,” Colin's mother shook his hand. She was dark-haired and sharp-featured, a no-nonsense woman who still gave Colin a good clipping on the ear when he needed it. His sisters were tall and curvy creatures with plenty of wit but little tact. Colin did not miss the appreciative look they shot each other after checking Jared out.
“And of course you know Eamon,” Colin grinned as Eamon came in to collect the girls, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He was rarely so casual, and Colin knew he was happy to be home as well.
“I don't believe we've met,” Eamon took Jared's hand. “Eamon Farrell. The gorgeous brother.”
Jared grinned and Claudine yelled, “Eamon, quit being a gobshite and go get the girls cleaned up for dinner!”
“I'm sorry, when did I give birth to them again?”
Colin smirked and gave Jared a sheepish, apologetic look as voices rose, their mother telling them again to watch their mouths, the girls giggling and shrieking as Eamon tried to herd them out of the kitchen. Colin's mother took Jared by the hands and pulled him toward the table, where she drew out a chair for him.
“Sit down, Jared. Claudine, take his coat. So much for first impressions.”
Jared chuckled, working his coat off. Claudine swept him with her eyes in the same fashion that Eamon used as she took it. “I don't mind,” Jared said, sitting down. “I've got a big family too.”
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Just a brother,” Jared said. “His name's Shannon. He just came to visit me actually, went home two days ago.”
“How wonderful for you. Would you like something to drink?” His mother was already filling a glass with ice from the dispenser on the front of the freezer.
“He wanted to bring a present Mam,” Colin grinned, heading for the cupboard to help his sister finish setting the table. “He wanted to bring wine, but I told him we're Irish, we've got plenty of alcohol in the house.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Farrell,” Jared said. “Anything you have is fine.”
“Call me Rita,” she shot Colin a look. “And I'll get you some tea to start with.”
Claudine came back from hanging up Jared's coat, a little swing in her hips. She took the plates that Colin was holding. “He's cute,” she murmured, their mother talking Jared's ear off in the background already.
“He's also involved with someone,” Colin murmured back, before he could stop himself. “So leave it.”
Dinner was the same affair it always was in his mother's house—a lot of food, a lot of drinking, and a lot of conversation and commotion. Jared was never left out, though he did look more and more confused as things went on, especially when a heated topic was brought up and the speech all turned to what Colin was sure he heard as gibberish. His mother was calm and reserved through most of it, only raising her voice when they got too loud or started swearing.
Claudine was doing her best to chat Jared up, having completely ignored Colin's warning. He was polite, but didn't return the gesture. Colin told himself to stop being smug at this. He also wondered if the entirety of his family would attempt to sleep with Jared before filming was over.
In the midst of all the chaos, reveling in the comfort of being in a place he knew better than any other, Colin was struck with such a deep, sudden emotion that it stilled him. Jared was bent over his plate, watching everyone with amusement dancing in his eyes, particularly Eamon, who was subtly tossing bits of food back and forth from plate to plate with his seven-year-old niece. She was giggling into her hands, glancing at her mother to make sure she wasn't watching before she tossed each piece.
Looking over at Jared, his hair pushed back over his shoulders, the glow of the light above the table giving his skin an amber hue, Colin realized fully that he had brought him home with him. Into his secret world, where only those closest to his heart ever went, only those dearest to him ever shared in. It was a life his fans didn't know, his friends didn't even know. He had never even brought his wife there during their very short marriage.
Jared caught his eye and gazed back at him, fork poised above his plate. They shared an intense, lingering look, then Colin looked down. He felt a warmth in his chest that had nothing to do with the beer or his mother's potato soup. His heart was pounding.
No wonder he had feared such a thing, so profound it could consume him when he wasn't even expecting it.
Looking up to grab his beer, Colin saw Eamon watching them. Eamon looked down, then tossed a piece of carrot at his niece, his smile forced and tight.
After dessert—an incredible round of apple pudding that left Colin moaning orgasmically—Jared started helping Colin's mother rinse the dishes.
“You don't need to do that,” she scolded him. “Go sit down and have a drink.”
“I used to be a dishwasher,” he said, giving her a grin. “And you've been so gracious to me. The food was amazing. Let me show my gratitude.”
Colin saw Claudine and Catherine shoot each other a look and a little smile. Eamon started gathering up the girls.
“Come on, wee snappers, lets get you in your pajamas and up to bed,” he started shooing them out, whines of protest going up.
“We ought to go round the pub tonight,” Colin said, watching Jared as he sprayed off the plates.
“Oh not tonight, Colin!” His mother protested. “You've just got in. Stay around tonight and tomorrow we'll all go out.”
It took little convincing from her to get him to stay. In truth, he didn't feel like going out, it was just habit. Once she finally forced Jared away from the sink, he joined Colin in the living room, fresh beers in hand.
“That's me Dad,” Colin said, the two of them standing in front of the huge picture of him on the wall above the mantle. “He used to be a football player. Him and me uncle.”
Jared was studying the picture. “Handsome man,” he lowered his voice. “So him and your mother…”
“They divorced when I was a boy,” Colin took a drink of his beer. “He's remarried now.”
Jared nodded. “I've only met my father once.”
“Really?” Colin looked over at him. “I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe it seems strange, me Mam having a picture of him up still. But he's our father, she says. That doesn't change.”
“I think that's a good way to look at it.”
Colin's mother got out a deck of cards, and insisted they teach Jared how to play Nine Card Don. She shot down Colin's insistence they play for money, though. Gathered around the kitchen table, Colin sitting next to Jared and teaching him how to cheat, he again felt that warmth in his chest. He caught Jared's eye while his mother was dealing a hand, and they exchanged a soft smile.
Colin couldn't help but notice, however, that Eamon hadn't come back from putting the girls to bed. He eventually excused himself to go to the bathroom and went on the hunt for him.
He found him out back, sitting on the porch stairs, smoking a cigarette and staring out at the night, a full beer sitting at his side.
“You all right?” Colin asked, sitting down beside him. The air was sharp and cold, and Colin wished he'd worn his coat out. At least he had a heavy sweater on.
“I'm fine.” Eamon didn't look over at him, but his voice was clipped, betraying his state of mind.
Colin sat there for a moment, then pulled out his cigarettes and lit one of his own. “You're not gonna turn your back on me after getting me this far, are you?”
Eamon shook his head, blowing smoke out into the night through his nose. “No.”
Colin was quiet for a long moment, smoking and thinking, then he said softly, “I'm not angry at you for being jealous. I just wish I could do something for you.”
“It's not about that.”
“No?” Colin watched him with a raised eyebrow. “What is it then?”
Eamon shook his head again and picked up his beer, but didn't take a drink. He scoffed, was silent for a moment, then scoffed again. “I just marvel at how unfair life can be.”
“It seems to take no prisoners.”
“I'm just wondering, you know…” he looked away, shaking his head again. He sat the beer down between his feet. “When will I be able to bring someone into this house that I love? Introduce him to Mam. Have him at the supper table. Have her fuss over him and yell at him for trying to do the dishes.”
Colin looked down, the smoke burning the back of his throat and nose as he let it seep slowly out.
“Mam doesn't know what he is to me. Everyone thinks he's just a friend. For fucksake, Claudine is trying to get down his pants.”
“But you know,” Eamon said pointedly. “You know, and that's all that matters.”
“You're hardly a lonely man, Eamon. There's always some beautiful bloke on your arm.”
“Love and sex are not the same thing,” Eamon looked over at him, the light from the door glinting in his eyes. “You know that more than anyone, don't you?”
“I'm starting to,” Colin said softly. “But one can lead to the other.”
“Yeah, well.” He leaned over, grinding his cigarette out on the edge of the step beneath his feet. “It hasn't yet.”
They were quiet for a few minutes, Colin finishing his cigarette and Eamon holding his beer, but still not drinking it. Finally he gave a soft sigh, looking over at Colin again.
“What do I have to do? I don't know anymore.”
Colin paused a moment, gazing out over the small square of a backyard, lit only by the faint glow of the moon. Everything was so still and quiet. He thought of what Jared had said to him and smiled.
“You just need to find the right idiot.”
Eamon gazed back at him, frowning.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
Colin chuckled. He reached over and ruffled Eamon's hair. “Why not?” He got to his feet. “Seems it takes a special kind of idiot to love a Farrell,” he extended a hand to him. “Not many of them in the world, so you're bound to look for a while.”
Eamon looked at his hand, then after a moment took it and let Colin haul him to his feet.
“Come on,” Colin smiled. “Let's go cheat at Don.”
Walking back into the kitchen, the light bright after being outside in the darkness, Jared turned to look at Colin and Eamon as they came in. His eyes seemed bluer than usual against the warm glow of the yellow walls and floor.
“So who's winning?” Colin smiled, gazing at him.
“You are,” Jared smiled back, holding up the hand he'd been playing for him.
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