Lucky
The little waiting area was so quiet that Colin could hear the clock ticking above the window to the nurse's station. The stark, bright light on the white tile and the white walls made everything look so very cold and harsh. Colin could have sworn no one had even moved for the past ten minutes. He was aching for a cigarette, but he didn't feel like getting up and going outside.
Jared was sitting next to him, staring at a poster on the wall that touted the benefits of properly covering one's sneezes and coughs. Rosario was there, and had decided to remain standing on the other side of Jared, slumped against the wall. Eamon was sitting on a chair across from Colin, head bowed, looking down at his hands. Jonathan was there as well, leaning against the wall next to the nurse's station window. He had his clenched hand resting beneath his nose, a crumpled-up tissue in it. His eyes were red and wet but he was no longer crying. He just stared dully at the floor.
The seconds ticked by, sharp clicks in the looming silence.
Colin finally couldn't stand it anymore. He rose to his feet and went down the hallway, toward a door that opened on a little courtyard. Jared followed him.
“This is my fault,” Colin's hands trembled from the cold and nerves as he lit his cigarette.
“This is not your fault,” Jared shook his head, tucking his hands into the pockets of his coat. His breath rose in puffs around his face, which was lit sharply by the light over the door, making shadows under his eyes. “How the hell is it your fault?”
Colin had told him on the way to the hospital about the conversation he'd had with Francisco outside the elevators the day before. “I'm the reason he betrayed Jonathan.”
“He made his own decisions.” Jared was looking around the courtyard, which was cluttered with concrete benches, a huge planter in the middle full of brown grass with a gnarled tree growing out of it. “That's what this is about.” He looked back at Colin. “He made his own decisions, and they hurt him. That's why he did it.”
“I should have been a better friend. I should have said something else to him yesterday.”
“Colin,” Jared stepped closer, looking into his eyes. “This goes far deeper than what happened between the two of you. People don't attempt suicide over one little drunken incident. We don't know the whole story here. I think we'll find out a lot more in the next few days.”
Colin looked down, taking a drag off his cigarette, hand still trembling. “If he survives.”
“He'll survive.”
They walked back inside after Colin finished his cigarette, shaking off the cold as they made their way back to the waiting area.
“Wasn't he almost finished with filming?” Jared asked.
“Tonight was it,” Colin said softly. “I think he was heading home at the end of the week.”
Jared looked over at him, studying him for a moment. Then he reached out and pressed his hand against Colin's cheek. Colin's face was cold but Jared's fingers were warm since they had been inside his coat. “Maybe you should have that looked at while we're here,” Jared said, referring to his jaw, which was still sore but not quite as swollen.
Colin gave a little smile. “Nah, I think I'll bear it. Battle wound.”
“I'm sorry, you know.”
“You shouldn't be.”
Colin mused as they stepped back into the waiting area, everyone still silent and Jonathan still staring at the floor, that like many sudden tragedies, something good had come from it. Namely, that Colin had put his own yammering drama to the side for the moment and gained some perspective. It was difficult to believe his own strife was so terrible when somebody else was trying to die to escape theirs.
Sitting back down beside Jared, Colin looked over at him, gazing at his profile. His long lashes brushed against his cheeks as he looked down, and Colin's heart unexpectedly swelled. Colin wanted to ask him something, but right now wasn't the time to bring it up. Colin glanced over at Eamon, who returned a weak smile.
Jonathan sniffed and wiped at his nose. He drew a deep sigh that seemed to echo in the stillness. His eyes sought out Colin, red rimmed and shining in the light. Colin swallowed and shifted.
“You said he talked to you yesterday,” Jonathan said, his voice thick.
Colin just nodded. Jared looked up at Jonathan.
“What did he say to you?” Jonathan sniffed again, strolling toward him. Colin's skin crawled with uneasiness. “Did he give you any idea why he'd do this?”
“No,” Colin was afraid to look at him. He felt Jared's hand brush against his arm. “He just…he told me you guys broke up.”
Jonathan stopped in front of him, and Colin looked up at him reluctantly.
“I can't believe he'd do this,” Jonathan shook his head and swallowed hard. He was still clutching the tissue in his hand. “I mean we were both upset, but God. He could have talked to me.”
“Who found him?” Jared asked softly.
“The paramedics,” Jonathan snorted and wiped at his nose. His voice wavered. “He called me and told me he took the pills, and I called for help. I couldn't get into his room before they came, though. God, I was fucking hysterical.” He pressed the tissue to his eyes and choked out a sob.
Colin looked down, lacing his fingers, fidgeting. Jonathan drew a deep, shaky breath and stilled his sobs. Colin felt awkward, unsure of what to say to him.
“He didn't really want to die then,” Jared said softly. “Most people who attempt suicide don't. They're just reaching out for help.”
“I just don't understand. I mean, I don't even really understand why we broke up. He wouldn't tell me—he was just acting weird for weeks before it happened.”
Colin looked up at him warily. Jonathan was mopping at his eyes with the tissue. “I just wish he had talked to me.”
The immense guilt sitting in Colin's stomach pushed its way upward into his throat. He opened his mouth. “I know what started it, Jonathan.”
Jonathan looked down at him in surprise, startled out of his tears. Jared touched Colin's arm. “Colin, don't.”
“He should know,” Colin looked at Jared. Jared was frowning. He didn't seem to think it was a good idea at all.
“What do you know?” Jonathan's voice rose a bit. “What happened?”
Colin drew a deep breath. Jared's hand was still on his arm and Eamon was watching him with concern.
“Do you remember that night we went to the bar in Bangkok?” Colin looked down, afraid to meet anyone's eyes at the moment. He was well aware of Rosario in the room, but she was like an afterthought. “When Eamon came to visit, and I got Francisco drunk?”
“Yes,” Jonathan said softly, sounding worried where this might be going.
“He…” Colin looked up, bracing himself. “After you fell asleep that night, he came to my room.”
“Colin,” Jared said softly. Colin held up his hand and he was silent.
Eamon was looking around Jonathan at Colin, brows lifted and eyes questioning. Jonathan's eyes widened, a look of shock slowly spreading across his face. “He did?”
“Yes,” Colin furrowed his brow, wincing. “We didn't fuck. It didn't go that far, because Jared showed up. But he wanted to—and I was going to. He's been upset about it ever since. That's why we haven't been talking.”
“But that's not the reason he did this,” Jared quickly added. “There's much more going on here. You know him better than anyone Jonathan—surely you have some idea what caused it. People don't try to take their lives over one little incident.”
Jonathan was staring at Colin. Colin held his breath, waiting. He hoped he didn't sock him in the face, it had suffered enough abuse over the past few weeks.
“I'm sorry,” Colin said softly. “I'm really, truly sorry.”
Jonathan didn't hit him, or even say anything. He simply turned and walked slowly down the hallway, his eyes fixed in front of him, arms crossed. Colin thought maybe he should go after him, but maybe he had already done enough.
“You shouldn't have done that,” Jared sighed.
Colin sighed as well and looked around at Rosario, who was giving him a peculiar look, but didn't seem to be overly shocked. Eamon was gazing at Colin steadily.
“Christ,” Colin sighed, and dropped his head into his hands.
Oliver came through about fifteen minutes later, Jonathan having long since disappeared and not come back. Everyone sat up straight, Rosario moving away from the wall.
“How is he?” Colin asked anxiously.
“He's going to live,” Oliver sighed and ran a hand back through his hair. He looked weary. “They pumped his stomach and he's in a recovery room. His family is on their way.”
“Thank God,” Jared whispered, slumping back in his chair. Colin and Eamon both crossed themselves.
“We're going to have to put shooting back a few days,” Oliver said. “I'll get in contact with all of you tonight or tomorrow morning when I know what's going on.”
Since there was nothing that could be done by sitting around the hospital, they decided to go back to the hotel. Jared tried to find Jonathan before they left, but he was nowhere around. Oliver assured them he'd find him and take him back with him.
Driving through the late-night streets, Colin gazed out the window, watching the lights slide by outside the glass. Eamon was driving, Rosario up front with him, Colin and Jared in the back. It was warm inside the car, no one speaking, all of them too tired and still too much in shock to discuss it. Colin's guilt was still eating at him, but at least he'd gotten it out. At least it wasn't a dirty little secret anymore.
Colin looked away from the window, glancing over at Jared. He was turned in the seat so he was facing Colin, his head resting on the back of it. Colin felt a little tingle of surprise when he saw those blue eyes focused intently on him. Had they been gazing at him the entire time since they'd left the hospital? Jared's hair was hanging soft around his face, tangled on the shoulders of his coat. He gave Colin a very soft, almost imperceptible smile.
Colin reached over, finding Jared's hand among the folds of his coat on his lap and squeezed it. Jared's smile grew wider, though still small, and he blinked a few times. Colin thought about the pain of romance that led to someone attempting suicide, and how he had given Jared that ten times over. And yet, it hadn't been him. God had tapped Colin on the shoulder and said “one more chance.” He was lucky, though he couldn't imagine why he deserved it. The weight of this revelation was enormously heavy, crashing through all the layers of fear and self-doubt he had build up inside him over the years, like floors of a very tall building.
The weight was still hanging on him when Eamon dropped them off at the hotel, Colin and Jared walking Rosario to her room before going up to their floor. Outside Jared's door they stopped, gazing at each other, in the same place they had been before the news came. Everything was so quiet around them. They hadn't said a word to each other since the hospital.
The weight finally drove Colin to his knees. Kneeling on the hallway floor with his arms around Jared's waist, his face pressed against his stomach, he was suddenly and uncontrollably sobbing, as he'd done with Eamon. But this wasn't his brother, not this time, and it was much more vulnerable for that. Jared's hands were in his hair, and judging by the way his stomach hitched, he was crying too.
He was so very damn lucky.
*****
Colin lay staring up at the steepled ceiling above his bed, the light from the window spread across it, the mirror behind the bed reflecting the light back and projecting it on the wall next to him. His arms were above his head, blankets gathered around his waist. The soft sounds of the city drifted in as if from another world, barely stirring the quiet bubble around him.
There was a gentle shifting in the covers beside him. Jared's warm hand slid over his belly, resting there, just above his navel.
“Come to Dublin with me?” Colin said softly. “Meet my family?”
There was silence for a moment, then Jared shifted again and lifted his head. In the darkness his face was imperceptible, his hair trailing over his shoulders in a tangled silhouette. Colin gazed at him, not able to see his eyes but imagining them vividly.
“You really want me to?” Jared asked softly.
“Yes,” Colin lifted his hand and slid it along Jared's cheek, where a rough carpet of stubble scraped his fingertips. “Come with me.”
“Isn't it a bit early in our relationship to be introducing me to your parents?” Jared joked softly.
“I just want you with me,” Colin continued to caress his cheek. “I need to go home. I'm so fucking raw, from all of this. From everything. I just need to see them again. Realign myself.”
Jared turned his face toward Colin's hand and kissed it. “Of course I'll go with you. You only had to ask.”
Colin moved his hand up into his hair, sifting his fingers through it, silken strands flowing between his fingers. “I think they'll like you.”
“When will you go?” Jared's voice was as soft and warm as the feel of his body against Colin's side in the darkness.
“I'll wait until Shannon's gone. You need to spend some time with your brother.”
“Yes,” Jared gave a gentle chuckle. “You know, he's not as freaked out as you think he is. He was at first, but he's really not now. He even said you and I make a cute couple.”
“Did he?” Colin still winced when he recalled the look on Shannon's face and the resulting horror he felt, but it was different now—duller somehow. It seemed it had happened a long time ago rather than earlier that evening, so much had filled the space between then and now.
“Yeah, and he'll be cool about it. He won't tell anyone.”
“I know he won't,” Colin admitted. “I'm so sorry I acted the way I did…that I walked out on you…”
“Shh,” Jared lifted his hand from Colin's stomach and pressed a finger to his lips. “You've made your apologies in full, trust me.”
“I keep fucking up and you keep forgiving me,” Colin murmured, kissing at his finger. “How did I manage to get someone like you?”
“You just needed to find the right idiot.”
Colin didn't sleep much that night, despite being exhausted. His mind raced, wondering if Francisco was all right, wondering if Jonathan would ever speak to him again, thinking about home. Jared's warmth at his side kept him awake too, his hands occasionally straying over Colin's bare skin, bringing him to tingling alertness just as he thought he might drift off.
Sometime shortly before morning, Colin was on top of him, kissing him, Jared's arms locked around his flexing lower back. The faint light seeping in the windows lit the mirrors behind the bed, casting a soft glow over them, over Jared's face. Colin's breath was hitched, his mouth seeking Jared's and swallowing his soft moans.
“Do you feel that?” Jared whispered, his fingers stroking over Colin's cheek, tracing his parted lips. Jared's eyelids were heavy, his eyes darkened in the shadows behind them. Colin didn't need to ask him what he meant, he just nodded, the feeling inside him overwhelming the ability to speak. It seemed to grow and expand, until it was consuming all of him. It was the reason he had feared it so much, because he knew it would eat him alive.
Afterwards in the buzzing aftermath, sweat-damp and hot against each other, Colin swallowed hard, feeling like he had just come through some barrier into a different plane.
“You all right?” Jared's fingers trailed slowly along his jaw.
“No,” Colin whispered. “I'm fucking scared to death.”
“I know,” Jared's breath was warm against his neck. “You don't have to change who you are though.”
“I already have.”
They watched the sunrise together, the light brightening through the window, from dull blue to yellow-white. They were wrapped up in the blankets, in each other, where it was warm and safe at least for the moment. Outside Colin's fears and insecurities waited, beyond the door where the real world lurked, but for the moment they were locked out. He had a feeling that was what Jared wanted all along, and all he needed to be happy.
“Tell me about Ireland,” Jared whispered. His fingers were curled against Colin's chest, his head resting on his shoulder.
Colin smiled softly. “Dublin is pretty much like any big city. You seen one you've seen them all. But when you go out into the countryside…”
“Is it green?” Jared murmured. “Like all the stories? A big emerald isle?”
“Yes,” Colin was still smiling. “Big and green and airy. Majestic, like it could go on forever.”
“Vast.”
“Astonishing.”
“Breathtaking.”
“Mythical,” Colin chuckled. “And all those other impressive adjectives.”
They were quiet for a while, watching the light spread across the ceiling, across the bed, warming it. Colin had barely slept at all in the past twenty-four hours, but he didn't feel tired. He just felt like he was floating, suspended above the earth, above reality.
Jared tilted his face up to look at him. He traced his finger along Colin's jaw, gazing at him. “You're glowing,” he said softly.
“No,” Colin tightened his arms around him, holding him close. “It's just the sunrise.”
“No,” Jared smiled gently and whispered, “it's not.”
main page back next
No comments:
Post a Comment