Completion
“So what did Francisco have to say?”
Colin and Jared were standing at the railing of the Stena Line ferry, huddled down in their coats, gazing out across the roiling gray waters of the Irish Sea. Cold spray misted Colin's face, the wind icy and biting, but he'd wanted a smoke and he couldn't have it in the cabin.
“He's really messed up,” Colin sighed. He was cupping his hand around his lighter, trying to get a flame to stay up long enough to light the cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. “Just a fucking mess. Eamon said they talked for hours. He wondered if anybody had ever really taken the time to talk to Francisco before that.”
Jared was leaning on the railing, tapping buttons on his MP3 player, the ear buds dangling from their cords around his neck. It was an archaic-looking thing by electronic standards, thick and bulky, silver with red symbols drawn on it in shiny marker. Colin recognized them as the glyphs from Jared's band. No sleek, brand-new iPod for Jared. That just wasn't his style.
Colin finally got his cigarette lit and took a deep drag before continuing. “Anyway, Francisco's got a lot of pain in his past. Failed relationships, problems with his family, people who have abused him. It was just unreal to listen to.”
Jared looked over at him, his hair being tugged in the wind, squinting against it. “It just goes to show, you don't really know what's going on inside of people.”
“No kidding,” Colin leaned on the railing, holding his cigarette beneath it to keep it lit. “And he's such a wonderful guy on the surface. Always kind, offering advice, straightening you out. He's always helping other people. No one bothered to help him until it was almost too late, though.” Colin looked down at the water, watching it foam against the side of the boat.
“You can't help someone if you don't know they need help,” Jared said. “If they hide it, what can you do? If they never ask for it you can't give it to them.”
Colin took another drag off his cigarette, looking up and toward the horizon. He remembered sitting in that little restaurant with Francisco, the darkness in his eyes as he spoke softly, his hands trembling around a cup of coffee. Colin wondered how he had managed to miss that much pain all this time.
“You're not still blaming yourself, are you?” Jared shifted closer to him, their arms touching.
“For my part in it, yes.” Colin lowered his cigarette again so it wouldn't go out. “But I know there's much more to it.”
Jared looked at him, then back down at his MP3 player. Colin glanced around, saw that no one was looking their direction, then reached over and smoothed Jared's blowing hair back behind his ear. Jared looked up at him and smiled.
“He's coming back in a few days to finish filming,” Colin said. “He's staying with Eamon till then. Eamon said he'd take him to his performing arts center and show him some of the things he's been working on. He figured he'd enjoy it, since he's a dancer too.”
A little smile was playing on Jared's lips. He looked at Colin knowingly. “They'd make a cute couple, wouldn't they?”
Colin snorted. “I don't think Francisco's ready for that just yet.”
“Maybe someday.”
Colin nodded, looking out at the water again. Then he looked back at Jared. “I'm glad he's got a friend like Eamon, though. If anybody can handle a basket case, it's Eamon.” He smiled meaningfully.
Jared smirked and looked down, running his thumb idly over the buttons of his MP3 player. “He's a good man,” he said softly. “It must be in the Farrell genes. A big heart.” He looked up at him, smiling.
“We got other big things in our jeans too,” Colin quirked an eyebrow, taking another drag off his cigarette.
Jared shook his head. “Finish that fucking cancer stick up so we can go back inside. I'm freezing my ass off.”
In the cabin, they sat on one of the leather benches in the lounge, Colin gazing out the sloping windows in front of them which gave a wide forward view of the sea. After a while he peered over into Jared's lap where he was still playing with his MP3 player.
“What are you doing with that thing?” Colin asked.
“I've been putting together some music for my scenes,” Jared said, not looking up. “You know, some mood music. Since we're going to be doing a bunch of emotional stuff. And my imminent demise, of course.” He brought his hand to his forehead dramatically. “I must be able to weep.”
Colin was silent. There were roughly two weeks of filming left, and Jared's death scene would be done on the next to last day, Colin's on the last.
“Two more weeks,” Colin said softly. Jared looked up at him, and they held each other's gaze for a moment.
“Yes,” Jared looked back down at his MP3 player. “Have you decided what you're doing?”
“I think I'm going to take the project in South Africa,” Colin looked forward again. “It's called Ask the Dust. I did an audition for it before I came to film this one.”
“Sounds interesting. I've been looking at a few things. My agent sent me some scripts last week.”
Colin didn't say anything, his hands clasped in his lap, still staring out the windows. Jared finished up whatever he was doing with his MP3 player and tucked it into his coat pocket.
“So,” he said, looking at Colin. He pushed his wind-tangled hair back from his face. “What happens when these two weeks are over? With us?” He spoke softly. “Is there an ‘us?'”
Colin was silent for a moment, then he gave him a little smile. “I'm getting you a key made up. And as a wise man once said to me…” he chuckled softly. “That's why God made planes.”
Jared smiled back. Colin thought he saw the faintest hint of pink along his cheekbones. “Does this mean I have a boyfriend?” Jared asked. It was probably meant as a joke, but Colin cleared his throat, looking forward again.
“If you want one, I suppose.”
He was afraid to look at Jared after saying it, afraid of the way his heart raced. A moment later he flinched as something cold touched his ear. Jared tucked one of the ear buds into it.
“Listen to this song,” he said, tucking the other one in his own ear and pulling the MP3 player back out. “It's a love song.”
Colin listened. It was beautiful, flowing and atmospheric. The woman's voice was gorgeous, but she wasn't singing in English.
“I don't understand the language,” Colin said, holding the bud in his ear.
“Don't you?” Jared smiled, holding his own. “I thought you might, now.”
Colin listened again, the way her voice swelled with emotion, dragging out the notes with such feeling. He smiled.
“Yeah, I guess I do,” Colin said softly.
****
Colin wanted to make the next two weeks last as long as possible, but as if to spite him, time kicked into high speed. The final days of a movie were intense, as the director tried to cram everything in that needed wrapping up before the end. There would be pick-ups eventually, but Oliver wanted as few as possible. That meant working their asses off as the clock ticked mercilessly away.
Colin spent as much time as he possibly could with Jared when they weren't working. They went sightseeing, worked on their lines together, ate together, and slept in the same bed every night. Sometimes there was sex, sometimes it was just Jared's warmth in his arms in the darkness, the bittersweet touch of his skin, so wonderful and yet slipping through his fingers so fast. He lamented that he had wasted so much time, and yet these final moments were more intense for it.
Francisco came back to do his final scene, and he looked strikingly better. He even smiled. When he finished that day, there was a wild round of applause on the set and Colin gave him a long hug. There were tears in Francisco's eyes when he pulled away, but he was smiling.
“Thank you,” Francisco said, as they walked to their dressing rooms.
“Thank you,” Colin replied, and kissed his temple. “Knowing you has been a privilege.”
He called Eamon that night and asked him what exactly he had done to bring Francisco's glow back. Eamon joked that it was just his magic touch, but then said seriously that they'd been spending a lot of time together, just talking. What Francisco needed more than a relationship was a best friend. Colin had a feeling Eamon needed one of those too.
Before Colin knew it, the night before Jared's death scene arrived. There were two days left in production.
They lay on Colin's bed, on their backs, gazing up at the steepled ceiling. Colin had his script lying on his chest, Jared's at his side, his hand on top of it. He had his MP3 player between them, and they'd been listening to some of Jared's mood music.
“I'm nervous,” Jared said softly. “It's not like I haven't died in a movie before, but this is going to be intense.”
“Yes,” Colin agreed. “For both of us. It's a tough scene.”
Jared looked over at him and Colin looked back, almost wary. Jared's eyes were soft in the amber glow from the bedside table, his hair spread out on the pillow. He was wearing a pair of shorts and one of Colin's t-shirts. Colin was wearing one of his.
“Are you sorry it's almost over?” Jared asked softly.
Colin thought about it for a moment. “Yes,” he finally said, almost a whisper. “I am. There was a time I couldn't wait for it to be over. And now…” he trailed off. He didn't need to say the words because Jared understood.
Jared tossed his script toward the bottom of the bed, then rolled onto his side, resting his hand on Colin's chest. “We should get some sleep,” he said. “It's a big day tomorrow.”
It was hard to sleep, and Colin lay awake for a long time, listening to Jared's breathing. He had spent so many nights with him he knew when he was really sleeping and when he was faking it. When his breaths started to come in slow, shallow pulls, Colin carefully untangled himself from him and slipped quietly out of bed.
He had his laptop sitting on top of his suitcase. He rarely used it for anything but to send emails to his family—however, in the past week he'd been learning how to use certain aspects of it and had bought a few things. After checking to make sure Jared was truly asleep, he picked it up, and got out a package from inside his suitcase. Creeping back over to the bed, he picked up Jared's MP3 player from the bedside table and slipped off to the bathroom.
He closed the door before turning on the light, the sudden brightness making him wince. When his eyes adjusted, he put the laptop on the counter and started setting everything up.
His heart was pounding and he was trembling with nerves, as though he were setting up a meth lab or something. It was easy enough to hook the microphone up, and he'd already installed the software for it. He listened at the door for a moment, breath held, but there was no sound for the room.
Colin sat down on the closed toilet lid and picked up the microphone. Softly, he started speaking into it.
****
“All right guys!” Oliver was a bundle of energy, buzzing around the set. “This is Jared's final scene. So let's make sure everything is perfect!”
It was cold in the studio, but for once Colin wasn't paying much attention to it. He was sitting in his chair, draped in his heavy red robe, extensions combed out over his shoulders. He was trying to concentrate on the scene, trying to get in character, but all he could think about was the MP3 player sitting in Jared's lap. He hadn't listened to it yet, still looking over his script and mouthing the lines.
Jared was in costume as well—a gauzy, cream-colored robe that any other time he might have joked about being see-thru. The atmosphere was intense today though, and left little room for jokes. Jared also had his makeup on, looking convincingly pale and sickly, red rings around his eyes.
“Five minutes, guys.” Oliver said, zooming past. “You ready?” He gave them a big, eager smile.
Colin gave him a little smile in return and nodded. Jared didn't say anything, still studying his script.
“You ready for this?” Colin took a deep breath. He wasn't sure why he was so nervous—he was always tense before a big scene, but his stomach had never been in this many knots before. It felt like it had crawled up into his throat.
“I think so,” Jared closed his script and sat it down on top of his MP3 player. He was silent for a moment, gazing at the set, where his bed was set up. “I guess I better go crawl in.”
Colin followed him, wringing his hands. He figured it probably wasn't going to be hard to act hysterical. Jared was carrying his MP3 player, and one of the camera people held it while they got him in bed and set up properly. Colin stayed back while they adjusted his position and the lighting.
“All right,” Oliver said, sounding a little testy. “Just a few more minutes people, we've run into a snag with the sound equipment.”
Colin drew a heavy breath. The cameraman gave Jared back his MP3 player and he tucked one of the buds into his ear. Colin hurried over and knelt down by the bed, next to Jared's head. He gave Colin a surprised, questioning look.
“I made you something,” Colin gripped the edge of the blanket to still his trembling hands. Jared raised his eyebrows and turned the MP3 player on.
“You made me something?” Jared asked. “When?”
“Last night,” Colin picked up the other bud and stuck it in his ear. “Flip through there,” he pointed at the screen.
Jared did, little snippets of song filling Colin's ear as he scrolled through them, until he heard his own voice. “There!” He said. “Pause it a moment.”
Jared did. “Colin…” he said haltingly. “You know I'd love to listen to whatever it is. But I need to get in the right frame of mind for this scene. I have some stuff on here to listen to.”
“I know,” Colin pulled the bud out of his ear, his hands still shaking. “You have to weep, and all that. Well, maybe it will make you weep. If only for the sheer badness of it,” Colin gave a shaky laugh. “I'm horrible at these things.”
Jared furrowed his brow and peered down at the MP3 player. “For Jared,” he read the track title. He looked back over at Colin. “All right…”
Colin handed him the other bud and got up. Jared tucked it in his ear and watched Colin as he walked away, back over to his chair to sit and get ready himself.
Colin sat with his head in his hands, trying to think of Alexander. Alexander watching Hephaistion slip away, helpless to stop it, knowing soon he would be out of his life forever. Colin found it wasn't hard to imagine. He felt tears burning his eyes after just a few intense moments of thought.
A sound brought him out of it, and he looked up.
Jared was crying softly, his hand over his mouth. Colin felt his heart join his stomach in the back of his throat. Jared caught his gaze, tears slipping from the corners of his eyes. Colin swallowed hard.
No one said anything to him, thinking he was just getting into character. However, when he started trying to wipe at his eyes, one of the assistants said, “Jared, your makeup.”
“I'm sorry,” Jared said weakly, and pulled his hand away from his face. “I'm sorry.”
Colin got up, hands clasped in front of him, and moved closer to the bed. Jared tucked the MP3 player under the covers, sniffling. He and Colin were still gazing at each other.
Colin remembered sitting in the bathroom last night, eventually on the floor, the microphone clasped in his hands, running down a list of every sin he'd committed against Jared and how much he regretted it. Then a litany of how much he was going to miss him, how he couldn't imagine life without him after this, eventually punctuated by his own tears. And then finally, the words he'd had so much trouble saying, the ones Jared had wanted to hear for so long.
“I love you too,” Jared mouthed silently, then made them a whisper. “I love you too.” His eyes were sparkling in the light.
“All right!” Oliver came over. “That's good, let's hold that emotion! Are you guys ready?”
Colin wasn't, but like Alexander letting Hephaistion go, he figured he never would be. He went and took his place.
It was the hardest scene Colin had ever done in his life, and the most emotional. They got it in only two takes, which was good, because it was so intense it was draining. Afterwards everyone clapped and Jared got out of bed, receiving hugs all around. Colin sat by the window and smoked a cigarette, trying to pull himself together and watching Jared.
“I'm so proud of you guys,” Oliver said to both of them, his arm around Jared's shoulders. “You guys are incredible. I couldn't have asked for better chemistry.” There was another round of applause.
Colin smiled, watching as Jared pulled away from Oliver and received a few more hugs from members of the crew. Then he turned to Colin, gazing at him, wiping at his eyes. In the light from the window, even with his sickly makeup on, he was a vision and Colin felt his heart swell to the point of bursting.
“Remember, we're having a wrap party,” Oliver was telling Jared. “Don't you go running off just yet.”
“I'll be here a few more days,” Jared assured him.
Jared went off to his dressing room, and Colin waited a few minutes, finishing off his cigarette before following. He found him in front of the mirror, cleaning off his makeup. Colin stood back against the wall and watched him.
“Good scene,” Colin said softly.
“Yeah,” Jared said, and sniffed harshly. When he had most of the makeup off, he turned in his chair, looking at Colin.
“Did you like it?” Colin said, his voice still soft. “The recording?”
Jared nodded, the light in his eyes saying more than words could have. Colin walked over and put his hands on the back of the chair.
“Will you just do one thing for me?” Jared gazed up at him.
Colin nodded and lifted a hand, stroking Jared's hair back from his face.
“I just want to hear you say it in person,” he said softly. “The recording was beautiful, but I want to see your face when you say it.”
Colin went still for a moment, then gently took him by the arm and tugged him to his feet. Jared moved away from the chair and stood in front of him, gazing at him intently.
Colin reached out and took his face in his hands. He placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, then drew back and whispered, looking into his eyes, “I love you.”
Jared smiled, looking like he might cry again. Indeed, his eyes brimmed with tears. Colin couldn't believe how emotionally raw he felt, how torn down to the bone. He was past the point where he cared about his pride or could be frightened. The emotions simply were, and he simply was.
Jared flung his arms around him, clinging to him and pressing his face against his shoulder. Colin held him.
“It's all been worth it, just for this moment,” Jared said in a soft, choked voice.
“Yes,” Colin whispered, stroking his hair. “It has.”
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