Reconnecting
Fate, Colin had found, got a real laugh out of kicking your plans down the stairs, then walking on them in stiletto heels. Fate must be a woman then, which would explain why Colin's mother had usually been the one to thwart him when he had some devious scheme as a child or teenager. His mother had nothing to do with this one, though.
In an extreme stroke of bad luck, Colin's filming in South Africa—a mere fifty-one days—missed Jared's filming by a month. Colin left Africa in early June, Jared arrived in mid-July. Colin was working in the U.S., ironically Jared's home country, by the time Jared set foot on the continent. It was as if God was laughing at them. Perhaps they had passed each other in the air at some point. Colin would have waved out the plane window if he'd known.
God had continued to laugh at him for an extended period. Colin really didn't need to guess what sins he had committed to deserve it.
“Are you going to lay there all day?” Eamon stepped over top of him. He sat a beer down next to Colin's head. “And why don't you turn on the fucking air conditioner?”
It was August now. Colin was home for a couple of weeks while he wasn't needed on the set of the movie he was working on, The New World. He was sprawled face-down on one of the throw rugs in his living room, head on his arms, his laptop open in front of him. It was hot, uncomfortably so, but Colin didn't care. He didn't like air conditioners. He liked the feel of real air on his skin, not recycled artificially cooled breezes.
“You'll get over it,” Colin mumbled into his arms. He heard Eamon sit back down beside him, the clink of his bottle on the floorboards as he put it down.
“Damn right I will, because I'm leaving soon if you don't turn it on.”
Colin didn't say anything. His head hurt. His nose was brushing against the rug between his arms, smelling faintly of berry carpet freshener. He didn't want to look at his laptop anymore.
“So?” Eamon said after a moment of silence. “Did you get an email from him?”
“Yes,” Colin mumbled. “I don't wanna read it right now, though.”
Eamon was silent again. Colin drew a long sigh, his ribs expanding against the unyielding pressure of the floor as he blew it out. He was going to have to get up soon before he put a nasty crick in his back.
“I haven't seen him in eight months,” Colin said. “Eight months. And there's nothing that says I will until this winter when the movie comes out.”
“You've both been so busy,” Eamon said consolingly. “You haven't been able to get time off together. But you will.”
It wasn't much of a comfort, and Colin wasn't sure it mattered anymore. He had a duffel bag full of letters, and three times as much in his email folders. For most of this year, his cell phone bill had rivaled a trip to the Bahamas. But as the year wore on, the emails and phone calls dwindled to two or three times a week. The letters came maybe once a month. They were drifting, and it was little wonder. The world had moved on, and so had they.
“The important part is you still feel the same about each other,” Eamon said. Then he softened his voice, “You still feel the same, don't you?”
Colin sighed. He lifted his head and looked at the computer. Jared's name still sat next to the subject line ‘Hey I've got some news…' The little ‘unopened' icon glared at him impatiently.
“I'm tired of wanking in front of my laptop.” Colin dropped his forehead against his arm again.
“It's not as if this is a sexual thing,” Eamon scoffed. “I mean, it's not like you guys aren't able to get it elsewhere. Isn't this about the emotion?”
True, it wasn't a sexual thing. They had agreed, never seeing each other, that it would be ridiculous for them not to get their sexual needs met elsewhere. Colin had made some half-hearted attempts at it, however, he had vowed he would not sleep with another man, and had told Jared as much. There had been a few women, but nothing remarkable.
“It's over,” Colin said softly. “It's been over for months. We've grown apart.”
It hurt to say it, despite the fact it had been in his mind for weeks. Jared seemed like a dream now. He was a myth made out of pixels and ink. The only proof Colin had of his existence were printed-out pictures stuck to his mirror and letters that could have come from anyone. Even listening to Jared's voice on the phone, in the little bubble of loneliness that Colin had created for himself, he sometimes wondered if he was just dreaming, if the faraway voice he heard was not attached to a person at all.
“Colin, nothing ever ends unless you want it to,” Eamon said. Colin felt his hand on the back of his head. “Love is one of those things that can survive anything.”
Colin drew another heavy sigh. He was going to have to get off the floor.
Colin lifted his head, then reached out and started shutting down his laptop. Eamon cleared his throat.
“You aren't going to see what his news is?”
“It's always the same thing,” Colin looked up at him. Eamon, ever a companion in solidarity, had grown his hair out to match Colin's long dark locks—albeit, most of his was extensions—and though he didn't have it as dark as Colin's, he'd colored over the blond streaks. “He's got a new movie. He's writing songs. He's thinking about a tour still. I'll read it later.”
The sound of car outside made them both look toward the door. “Francisco's back,” Eamon said.
Francisco, now living in London, had become more or less another member of Colin's family. He spent as much time in Dublin as he did London, and Colin's mother and sisters had taken him in like a stray puppy. Eamon said he was always there, helping them out, driving them around, and usually staying at Eamon's house. He was even working on a program at the school with Eamon at the moment.
The nature of Eamon and Francisco's relationship was not known to Colin. Eamon didn't talk about it, even to him, and that let Colin know there was something profound in it, something Eamon didn't want to sully with words. Colin didn't know if they were friends, lovers, or something else entirely, and neither gave much indication.
Colin got to his knees, wincing at the pain in his back and ribs. He knew better than to lay on the floor for that long. Getting slowly to his feet, he found the upper air much warmer and thicker than the air near the floor, and thought maybe that air conditioner wasn't such a bad idea after all.
On their way to the door, Colin paused at the mirror and looked at the pictures of Jared he had stuck all over it. Just a dream.
“Your Mum sent over a whole bag of stuff for him!” Francisco was walking toward Colin's door, dressed in athletic shorts and a black wifebeater. His hair was collar-length now, and Colin suspected that he was trying to grow it out like Eamon's. Pretty soon they would be just like the Three Musketeers. Over his shoulder Francisco was carrying a pastel green diaper bag, on his opposite hip Colin's son James.
James was visiting while Colin was at home, and he'd spent the day at his grandma's while Colin went and got some errands done. Francisco had offered to pick him up on his way so Colin wouldn't have to go clear across town.
“Here,” Colin took him as Francisco reached the door. He was half-asleep and sucking at his fingers. Colin could tell his mother had been at him. His normally wild mop of hair was combed down, and he was in a cute little short set. He was also impeccably clean.
“I'll get the bag of stuff,” Eamon said, stepping out around Francisco. “Where is it?”
“In the backseat,” Francisco handed the diaper bag over to Colin. Colin took it and James to the spare room where a crib was set up, as well as a fan. Colin liked to bake, but he wasn't going to put his child through the same torment.
James slept most of the afternoon, which told Colin his mother had also been keeping the boy nice and lively that morning, which meant little sleep tonight. In the bag she'd sent were some of Colin and Eamon's old baby clothes and they had a good chuckle looking through them.
“That's so you,” Francisco said, when Colin held a little blue t-shirt up to Eamon's chest. “And just your color!”
“And here I thought pink was more his color,” Colin smirked.
“Isn't this your drool bib?” Eamon held up a little bib with a bunny on it. “I think you still need it today. Let's see if it fits.”
Francisco stuck around and made dinner with them. Eamon finally won and got to turn the air conditioner on, reasoning that cooking would turn the place into a sauna. At the stove, stirring some rice and vegetable thing that Francisco was making, Colin admitted to him why he'd been so glum most of the afternoon.
“You know,” Francisco said softly, “I haven't actually spoken to Jonathan for three months. Not an email, not a phone call. But I know it doesn't matter.” He looked up at Colin, his dark eyes glittering in the light above the stove. “We'll always be connected to each other, no matter what. It's one of those things that doesn't go away just because you don't see each other for a while.”
Colin thought maybe this was an opening for a few answers. “So, you and Jonathan are…”
“It's hard to put a name to it,” Francisco's voice was still soft. He looked back down at the pan he was working on. “Sometimes things aren't easy to categorize. I'm sure it's the same with Jared. But you don't need a name for it to understand it.”
Colin wanted to ask him if he was sleeping with his brother. He probably would have told him, but Colin still felt it was somehow wrong to ask, especially after Francisco said that.
James was up before dinner, and Colin knew he'd have a bitch of a time getting him back to bed that night. His mother had baby-proofed his apartment, but toddlers had magical powers in that they could find things to get into that adults wouldn't even think of. By the time Colin finally crashed on the couch with a beer that night, he was exhausted from chasing after him and hoarse from saying “no!” James was now sitting calmly in the middle of the room, building a block tower. Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, he would study a block closely, then throw it under the coffee table. Eamon was sitting in one of the chairs, legs pulled up Indian-style, drinking a beer. Francisco was sitting in another chair, drinking a beer as well and watching James.
“You know, I'm pushing forty,” Eamon said wistfully.
Colin was lying at the end of the couch where he could see the mirror, and he was staring at it dully, his beer sitting on his chest. “You got a few years.”
“Yeah, but,” Eamon sighed heavily. “I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure.”
“Are you going to have work done?” Colin looked over at him. Eamon gave him a condescending smirk.
“I'm not talking about that, gobshite.”
“Watch your mouth around the kid,” Colin said. James tossed another block under the coffee table. Colin thought he looked hopefully droopy-eyed.
“I'm talking about kids,” Eamon said.
Francisco raised an eyebrow and took a drink of his beer. Colin frowned and looked back at Eamon.
“What, you want a kid?”
“Well yes!” Eamon said defensively. “Does that seem so strange? That at some point in my life I'd actually like to experience fatherhood? I mean, you have, and it didn't kill you. Made you a better person, if you want to know the truth.”
“Well,” Colin shrugged and looked back at the mirror, fingers sliding idly over his beer bottle. “Have one, then. Find a partner. Wank in a little cup and find a willing woman.”
“I don't even need a partner,” Eamon said. “Single parenthood isn't a crime.”
“No, but it's difficult. It's easier with someone else around. You know that from our own Mam.”
“Well, why don't you go out and find someone to marry, since it's apparently so easy?” Eamon sounded irritated.
“It'll happen, if you really want it,” Francisco spoke up. For long months he had been back to his ‘dispenser of wise advice' status. Looking at him, it was hard to believe he had ever been that sad creature standing in the rain on that Dublin street.
“Yes, well it's going to have to happen soon. I'm going to have to start taking the idea seriously if I really want it.”
Colin snorted. “Men father children into their sixties, for God sake. You've got time.”
James tossed another block and gave a cranky shout. Colin took that as a sign that it might actually be time for bed.
Passing the mirror before they went back the hallway, Colin pointed out a picture of Jared to James, one of the ones from Thailand, with his hair long and a gentle smile on his face. “Jared,” he said slowly and clearly. James sucked on his fingers and stared at it with wide, interested eyes. “He had the prettiest smile,” Colin said softly, tracing his finger in a heart shape around Jared's face. “Now he's all bye-bye.”
“Bye-bye,” James slurred around his fingers, and kicked his feet against Colin's sides.
Eamon and Francisco left shortly after Colin put James to bed. Colin went to bed himself, after turning off the air conditioner and opening the windows in his bedroom. He thought about hooking up his laptop but he didn't have the heart. He couldn't lie in bed and mourn for Jared tonight. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would read the email and deal with all of that.
Vaguely sweaty, sprawled on his stomach on his bed, Colin tried to force himself to fall asleep before self-pity and misery got the best of him.
*****
A sound woke Colin up. Lifting his head from the pillow, he looked up at the clock on the bedside table. His sweat-damp hair was stuck to the side of his face and he pushed it away, blinking a few times to clear his vision. The luminescent red numbers said it was 2:38.
He looked over his shoulder toward the darkened bedroom doorway, wondering if James was awake. He'd kicked the sheet off at some point and was lying on top of the covers now. The air in the room was muggy and close, his skin soaked with sweat. He pushed himself into a sitting position and listened closely.
It wasn't James. It was the sound of the front door, now softly closing. Colin might have been alarmed, except for the fact that more than one person had a key to his front door.
“Eamon?” He called out, his voice gravelly from sleep. His first thought was that something was wrong, but just in case, he fumbled on the nightstand for an empty beer bottle that was sitting there.
He slid out of bed and padded across the floor, moving slowly toward the doorway. He could hear someone moving around out in the living room. Clutching the neck of the beer bottle in his sweaty palm, he reached around into the hallway with his other hand and switched on the light.
He winced at first against the sudden brightness, holding his hand up to shield his eyes. Whoever it was, they came to the doorway of the hall, and Colin saw it was too small to be Eamon, shorter and more slender.
Colin's eyes widened, the beer bottle falling against his side. He just stared.
Jared was standing in the doorway, dressed in faded jeans, a cream-colored t-shirt, and sneakers. He had a brown leather duffel bag over one shoulder. His hair was now collar length, shaped around his face, thick bangs falling over his forehead. His eyes gleamed in the hallway light, a myth suddenly and startlingly made real.
They just stared at each other for a long moment, the faint sound of the fan from James' room the only thing filling in the silence.
“Did you get my email?” Jared said softly.
The sound of his voice made Colin snap out of his trance. He looked down at the beer bottle in his hand, then reached back inside the room and sat it on the dresser. He made several unsuccessful attempts to find his voice before finally getting the words out. “No. I mean, yes. But I didn't read it. Yet.”
Jared just gazed at him. Colin wasn't sure what he was feeling. Every possible emotion he could have was fighting to get to the front.
“Should I go?” Jared said softly, tentatively. “I thought you might like a surprise, but…”
Colin strode forward, just two steps taking him to Jared after all those months of being thousands of miles apart. Jared's duffel bag slid off his shoulder and fell to the floor as Colin crushed his mouth against his. Jared's arms wrapped around him, his hands gliding over his sweaty back.
“Just tell me you're real,” Colin whispered, his thumb tracing Jared's wet lips in the wake of the kiss. Their faces were inches apart. Colin was trembling. “Tell me you're really here.”
“I am,” Jared's voice was tight, his eyes wide and bright. “I really am.”
Eight months dissolved into nothing. Colin found, with startling intensity, that what had been there the last time they had seen each other was still there, it had just gotten buried under everything else. He felt like an idiot for ever thinking it wouldn't be.
“We should talk,” Jared said softly. His hands were still on Colin's back, near his shoulder blades.
“We've talked enough,” Colin pressed his forehead to his. He probably smelled like an animal, but he didn't care. “All we've done is talk.”
Colin was done with words—written, typed, or spoken. He reached around and flicked off the hallway light as he moved back through the bedroom doorway, drawing Jared with him.
“Colin,” Jared gasped. Colin was already tugging his t-shirt up. He wanted to know if what he remembered was still there, and to rediscover what he didn't remember.
Jared reached down and tugged one of his sneakers off, then the other. They each fell to the floor with a thump. Colin waited patiently, then when he stood upright grabbed the bottom of his t-shirt again and tugged it up and off. Jared hadn't even lowered his arms before Colin was kissing him again.
Jared was sweaty—not as sweaty as Colin was, but warm and solid, real. His hands roamed over Colin's arms and shoulders, the skin of their chests sticking together. Jared slid his hands up and ran them through Colin's damp, tangled hair.
“Your hair,” Jared chuckled breathily, his mouth still close to Colin's. “Is it real?”
“Some of it,” Colin sifted his fingers through Jared's. It was as soft as he remembered it, thick and silky. “Yours is shorter.”
“You've seen pictures of me.”
“It's not the same as you being right here in front of me.”
They paused, staring into each other's eyes. The light from the windows glinted in Jared's eyes, his face dimly lit by it. Jared said softly, tightly, “No, it's not. I'm sorry. I should have—”
Colin stopped him with another kiss. His mouth was soft, warm.
“Don't say anything,” Colin whispered as he broke away. “Don't talk.”
Jared just gazed at him. Colin ran his fingers through his hair again. “Just touch me,” Colin whispered, feeling desperate, on the verge of some frightening emotional outburst. “Just touch me…”
Jared touched him, fingertips running gently over his skin, over his arms and shoulders and down to his chest, over his belly, which quivered and drew in at his touch. Colin started undoing Jared's jeans.
Colin wasn't sure if he was actually horny or just craving Jared's body, just wanting to touch him and see him and be held by him. The intimacy seemed more important than anything sexual, that he be touching every part of Jared that he could, feeling him, being reassured at last that there was a Jared in the world, and he was still his. It was more than sex, it was a reconnection—a lighting up of a place inside him that had been dark for far too long. Colin held him, just held him for a few minutes, the heat between them making them sweat more and Colin thinking he had never felt anything so good in his life. He clutched him so tightly that he could hear Jared's labored breathing against his ear. He didn't try to pull away though, just clung as tightly as Colin did.
“I want you to touch me too,” Jared whispered. “Touch me everywhere.”
Colin ran his hands over him, kissing his bare shoulder, and then he felt the first spark of arousal, creating a slow-spreading warmth in his belly. He gripped the top of Jared's jeans and tugged them down. He was wearing plain white briefs beneath them and Colin pulled those down as well, pushing both down around his knees. The musky scent that invaded the humid air between them made the spark burst into a flame.
“This is so much better than wanking over the phone or the computer,” Colin said. He slid his hands over Jared's hips. They were still slender and narrow, though Jared had put on a bit of weight—just enough to soften some of his sharp angles, to fill him out a bit. Colin had put on weight since the movie too. Jared hooked a finger in the elastic of his shorts and tugged.
“You're telling me,” Jared breathed. “I'd like to feel your hands on my cock this time.”
Jared was getting hard, and as Colin slid his hand around him, he remembered what eight months had dulled—how much he actually liked the feel of a male body. All the old insecurities and fears surrounding that idea had gone to sleep with the memory. Thankfully, they didn't wake up just yet.
Jared tugged Colin's shorts down, once they were past his thighs being loose enough to drop the rest of the way to the floor. Jared's pants were still around his knees. Colin wanted to let him take them off, but he also wanted to keep stroking his cock, which was firming up nicely in his hand.
“I almost forgot how fucking sexy you were…” Jared's fingers skimmed along Colin's belly and down to his groin, where his own cock was slowly stiffening. “Christ, it's fucking hot in here.”
“Yes, it is.” Colin's cock twitched in response to the light touches, and he leaned forward to kiss Jared again. His lips were salty with sweat. When Colin pulled back, Jared gently took Colin's wrist and drew his hand away from his cock. It was fully hard now. Jared bent down and started removing his jeans and underwear the rest of the way, along with his socks.
Colin waited, touching his hair, not wanting to lose contact with him. Jared tossed his clothes to the side. Colin was about to draw him back to the bed, but Jared fell to his knees. There was a rug at the bottom of the bed where they were standing, so he wasn't on the bare floorboards. He clutched Colin's hips and looked up at him, and Colin gasped as he was drawn forward.
Jared's hand giving a long, smooth stroke to the shaft of his cock, palm slick with sweat, made him respond in a way he hadn't responded to anything in eight long months. Yes, he had gotten aroused in that time, but he hadn't felt like that, like he might come with the merest coaxing, stiffening so fast and so fully that it hurt.
“Jared, fuck,” Colin gritted out. The palm of Jared's hand cupped the head of his cock for a moment, enclosing it in damp warmth.
Then his hand was gone, replaced by his mouth, which was infinitely hotter and better.
Colin hadn't realized how much he had missed that mouth, but now that it was around him, sliding down on him, it was better than any damn fantasy he'd had, any filthy email or heated phone conversation. He curled his fingers in Jared's hair, his balance betraying him.
“Let me sit down,” Colin implored breathily. “I like what you're doing, but I don't want to fall over on you.”
Jared slid his mouth off and drew back. He was gazing up at Colin, licking his lips, sucking the lower one into his mouth. Colin stepped out of his shorts still puddled around his feet and moved back to the bed. He sat down heavily, gazing at Jared.
Jared didn't get up, just crawled forward on the rug, slinking toward him in the half-light. The sight made Colin's cock twitch.
“Christ I've missed you,” Colin whispered
“I can tell,” Jared's hand slid around his cock again, squeezing.
Jared went back to work on him, swallowing him, bobbing his head slowly, letting him feel it. His fingers flexed on Colin's sweaty thighs, soft sounds issuing from his throat and vibrating along Colin's cock. Colin threaded his fingers in his hair again and leaned back, resting on his other hand. His toes curled against the rough weave of the rug. He told himself not to come, not yet.
Colin slid his hand out of Jared's hair and down to his face, finding it a strange time to be overcome with emotion, but he was. His fingers traced his jaw, feeling the prickly layer of stubble there, then up over his cheek, which he could feel flexing with his movements. The pleasure pouring through him was so vibrant, so consuming. Colin wanted to pull him up and cradle his face and kiss him over and over.
“Don't do that all night,” Colin whispered. “I want more than that.” He also wanted him to stop before it ended too quickly.
Jared bobbed his head a few more times, then slid his mouth off, wrapping his fingers around the base. He looked up at Colin, then ran his tongue slowly along the length of his shaft, all the way to the head, where he gave a slow, swirling lick, and then a parting suck. All this he did without breaking eye contact. Colin thought for a second he was just going to burst into a rather unmanly display of tears.
“Jared…” he was trembling, touching his hair again, his shoulders, his face. Jared nuzzled against his palm.
“I'm here,” he whispered, and moved up Colin's body.
On the bed, entangled, sweaty skin on sweaty skin, Colin could find no more words. He wanted to touch every part of Jared at once, his leg wrapped around his, hands everywhere, mouth on his face and neck. Jared's breathing was soft and quick, the way he squirmed against Colin demanding and possessive at the same time, as if he was trying to rub the very essence of himself all over him.
Colin adjusted his hips, gripped with need, and ground his cock against Jared's. Jared made a soft sound and pushed back. Colin rubbed, seeking sensation, wanting the heat that was the only thing that could melt the frost of eight months inside him.
“Have you been careful?” Jared asked. Colin was licking at his chin, tongue dragging across the stubble there, then at his lips, tasting his own musky flavor on them. “I have some condoms,” Jared murmured.
“I have, if you trust me,” Colin murmured back. “Have you?”
There was a moment of hesitation, which sparked a faint glimmer of worry in Colin's chest. Colin drew back, looking at him. Then Jared said softly, “I haven't slept with anyone since you.”
Colin was stunned. He stared at him for a moment. “But you…we agreed…”
“I know,” Jared reached out and caressed his cheek. It was so hot, around them and between them, their breathing quick in the sweltering darkness. “And I'm not mad that you did. I just chose not to.”
Colin thought for a moment he was pulling his leg, but he was serious. He was gazing at Colin, his face half in shadow, but his eyes visible and sincere.
“But it's been eight months!” Colin said in disbelief.
Jared gave a soft snort. “Contrary to what you think Colin, people can go without sex for a long time and not die.”
Colin didn't know what to say. This revelation stunned him, flattened him in fact. He thought about the times he had emailed Jared, or told him on the phone that he had slept with someone. He never kept it from him. Looking back, Jared had indeed never told him anything about his own sexual encounters. Colin had assumed he just wanted to keep it to himself.
“Christ, I feel like the biggest asshole in the world now,” Colin said, sagging against the bed. His arousal dwindled.
Jared propped himself up on his elbow. He leaned over Colin, touching his fingers to his lips, and whispered, “Colin, do you love me?”
It was a word Colin had become comfortable with, typing it at the end of emails, saying it just before he got off the phone. He'd said it and wrote it so many times now it was almost hollow. Now the feeling behind it came rushing back. “Yes, I do,” he whispered.
“Did you love any of those women you slept with?”
Colin swallowed. “No, not even close.”
“That's all I need from you,” Jared stroked his thumb along the corner of his mouth. “That's all.”
“But what does that say about how you feel, compared to me? That you didn't touch another person the entire time?”
“Everyone loves in their own way,” Jared lowered his face, brushing his lips against Colin's. “That doesn't make yours any less. The fact that you're upset about it speaks volumes.”
“Jared…”
“Are you going to let this come between us after eight months of being apart?” Jared said softly. Colin gazed up at him, and Jared smiled gently, reassuringly.
Colin drew him close, their skin sliding together, arousal flaring again at the contact. Colin knew this was all he wanted, all he needed. Nothing else mattered.
“Nothing is going to come between us tonight.”
The intensity was all consuming, stilling the air around them, filling the room, filling them. All Colin knew was the feel of Jared's body. Everything else in the world fell away as his focus narrowed and sharpened. Jared crawled on top of him, their hips grinding together, Jared's mouth on his. Colin sucked at his tongue and ran his fingers along his ribs, feeling the hard ridges beneath the slick skin.
“We need something,” Colin murmured, still trying to kiss at Jared's mouth as he drew it away. “I don't have…I haven't…”
“I have some oil in my bag,” Jared said. “I'll get it.”
“Hopeful, were you?” Colin smiled as he crawled off the bed. Colin watched him move in the light from the windows, slipping through the shadows of his room as he often did through his dreams.
“More than hopeful,” Jared disappeared into the hallway, where his bag was still sitting on the floor. His voice drifted back. “Positive.”
He returned with a bottle of something, a faint sloshing sound issuing from it as he crawled back on the bed. Colin reached for it, his thumb sliding over the lid to see how it opened. It had a flip-top.
“I need a little preparation,” Jared said softly. “I'm out of practice.”
Colin swallowed hard, thinking of what Jared had done—or hadn't done, rather. To think there were nights he had wondered if Jared even thought about him when they weren't actually talking. The kind of devotion he had displayed was not something Colin deserved. But then, Colin didn't think he deserved most of what Jared saw fit to give him.
The oil gave off a faint greasy smell as Colin coated two of his fingers with it. He found Jared hot and tight inside, just the way he remembered. Colin kissed at the back of his neck, tasting the tangy salt of his sweat and listening to his soft gasps against the pillow. After a time Colin slid his fingers out and added more oil, wanting to make sure he was nice and slick and perfectly comfortable.
“I missed that,” Jared sighed. Colin could vaguely make out his profile against the pillowcase. “Oh,” he gasped, a little shudder going through him as Colin reinserted his fingers. He lifted his hips from the bed.
Colin prepared him on his stomach, but he didn't want him face down for the actual sex. Jared rolled over and drew his knees up, his feet finding purchase above Colin's hipbones. He took the oil and slicked Colin's cock slowly, hand over hand. Colin shuddered and twitched, holding himself up on his arms. The scents of oil and musk and sweat filled the air between them.
Jared was gazing up at him, eyelids heavy and his eyes dark behind them. Colin leaned down and kissed him passionately. Jared released him, tilting his hips up.
“I'm ready,” Jared whispered.
Colin thought he would die sliding into him. He'd almost forgotten the sensation, and having it back was overwhelming. He gritted his teeth, trying to keep from crying out. Jared held his breath, finally letting out a long, low moan when Colin pushed past the resistance and sunk into him.
“God,” Jared whispered, squirming beneath him. He gave a soft hiss. “Ah…”
“Does it hurt?” Colin whispered back, holding still. He was trying to stop the trembling that was already taking over his body.
“Just a little,” Jared murmured. “I'll be all right. Go on.”
It took a little adjusting, a few tentative thrusts, but they found a comfortable position for both of them. Colin lowered himself onto him as much as he could, elbows on the bed, and found a rhythm. Jared's legs were wrapped around his back, his heels digging into the base of Colin's spine. It was hard to keep them there since they were both so sweaty, but it worked.
It was slow at first, intense, hot. Colin was in no hurry. He wanted to feel Jared for as long as he could, inside and outside, clinging to him, enclosing him. Jared's breathing was shallow and quick, punctuated by soft moans against Colin's ear. Colin was making sounds too, little grunts and moans, his lips brushing Jared's face and neck. Occasionally he would lick or kiss, but mostly he was content to just breathe him in—that lovely, unique smell that was Jared. He had missed it so much. Being flooded with it now made his eyes burn with tears. He had to squeeze them shut to keep them from falling.
Colin's arousal was so very high and keen, but not driving yet. He rode it out for as long as he could, taking it slow, making love to Jared. At one point he actually stopped, just holding inside him and feeling. Colin was trembling. Jared's hands moved lazily over his back and shoulders.
“I love that,” Jared whispered, his breath tickling Colin's ear. “When you get like this, when you can't stop shaking.”
Colin had hated it once upon a time, but now he didn't mind so much. He dropped his forehead against Jared's sweaty shoulder and tried to calm himself, but it was no use. His body was starting to want more, encouraging him to move again.
Jared lifted his hips. “Fuck me now Colin,” he whispered. “It's been too long.”
Colin gladly obliged, kissing Jared hard, his hands tightening on his shoulders where he was gripping them. The rhythm built and built until Colin was pounding into him, fucking him into the bed, slamming the headboard against the wall. Jared was giving high, whimpering moans into his mouth, Colin sucking hard at his tongue and moaning in return. Jared's nails dug into his back, his heels pushing down hard, forcing him in as deep as he could get.
It didn't take Colin long to come like that, which was why he hadn't done it in the first place. Jared stroked his face and moaned softly as Colin shuddered, convulsing almost, flooding into him with a blinding rush of pleasure. He tried to hold back from being too loud, but finally gave a harsh, strangled shout.
“Colin,” Jared moaned, wrapping his arms around him. Colin was trembling violently, the spasms in his lower body gradually tapering off. He'd bitten so hard into his lower lip that it was throbbing.
Colin drew away from him, both of them soaked with sweat and burning hot. Colin intended to go turn on the air conditioner, but not just yet. Jared groaned as Colin slid out of him, then he moved down Jared's body, licking at the sweat as went. Jared hadn't come yet.
Jared gasped, gripping Colin's hair as he slid his mouth over him. He was hot and musky and tangy, his thickness delightful in Colin's mouth. Gripping Jared's hips, he started to bob his head, quick and insistent. Jared writhed and pulled at his hair and cried out. It didn't take long.
“Colin!” Jared's voice was breathy and desperate. Colin felt his feet pushing against his sides. “Oh God! Coming!”
He came rather violently, writhing and jerking, and copiously enough that Colin had to pull off before he finished because he was in danger of choking. What resulted was a rather ungraceful shot to the face before Colin had the presence of mind to cup his hand over the head. Not everything could be perfect.
Afterwards, Colin chuckled, sitting next to Jared and cleaning his face off with his fingers.
“I think you got some in my hair.”
“Sorry,” Jared mumbled, sounding anything but apologetic.
Colin sucked his fingers clean, liking the way Jared tasted, almost having forgotten how delicious he was. He flopped on the bed and they lay side by side in the sweltering darkness, panting.
“Christ, don't you have an air conditioner?” Jared asked.
“I do,” Colin said. “I'll turn it on.”
“Conserving energy or something? Or are you practicing living in the time period of that movie you're working on? Should I put on a wig and let you call me Pocahontas?”
“God I've missed you,” Colin grinned.
Just then there was a sound—a cranky, plaintive little wail. Jared sat up on his elbows, so fast that Colin laughed. Jared looked toward the doorway in alarm. “What the…?”
“James is here,” Colin said. He sat up and crawled off the bed. “He's staying till the end of the week. All your yelling probably woke him up.” Colin tried to find his shorts in the dark, James' whimpers becoming full-fledged crying. “I'm coming, I'm coming!”
“My yelling?” Jared scoffed. “Why didn't you tell me he was here?”
Colin found his shorts at the bottom of the bed and started tugging them on. “The right moment didn't arise. I didn't exactly want to bring my son up while I had my cock in you.”
Colin padded out to the kitchen, got a bottle out of the refrigerator, and warmed it up in the microwave. James yowled angrily while Colin did this, apparently not moving fast enough for him. Just after the microwave beeped, the crying stopped, and Colin wondered if he'd gone back to sleep.
Heading back down the hallway though, he saw the light in his room was on. As he came around the corner he saw Jared leaning over his crib, wearing just his underwear, busy changing his diaper.
Colin went over to the crib, frowning, holding the bottle. “Where did you learn to do that?”
Jared smiled up at him. His face was flushed, his hair tousled. “Shannon's girlfriend has a baby,” he looked back down at James, fastening the tabs on his fresh diaper. “Not Shannon's. But she brings her around. She taught me how.”
Colin couldn't help but smile. James saw the bottle in Colin's hand and gave an angry shout, reaching for it. Colin handed it over. “You better be good, Jared's nice enough to change your manky little nappy for you!”
James, who had popped the bottle into his mouth, took it back out. “Bye-bye,” he said to Jared, then resumed sucking.
Jared chuckled. “Aw, that's cute. And here I figured his first word would be ‘whisky.'” Jared was smiling down at him. Colin, however, was standing there with a lump in his throat.
“Here,” Jared plopped the soggy, rolled up diaper into Colin's hand. Colin made a face. “You can dispose of it.”
“Thanks a lot.”
With James taken care of and drifting back to sleep, Colin went and cleaned up, turned on the air conditioner, and waited in bed while Jared cleaned up. When he came back and crawled in beside Colin, Colin turned on his side and slipped an arm around him.
“So, happy to see me?” Jared said softly.
“What do you think?” Colin stroked Jared's hair away from his forehead. “How long are you staying?”
“A week,” Jared smiled. “You would have known that if you'd read the email.”
“I'm tried of emails. I want you back in my life.”
“I will be,” Jared said, gazing into his eyes. “From now on, we're going to make an effort. We're going to see each other at least once a month, even if it's only for a day or two. They make planes that go in all directions, after all. I don't know why we've been so ignorant.”
“Maybe we had to know.”
“Know?” Jared lifted his head a little, cocking an eyebrow.
“If we were strong enough. To last.” Colin gazed steadily at him.
Jared laid his head back down on the pillow, smiling softly. “I think it was a success.”
THE END
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Friday, 26 August 2011
MOROCCO AND MANGOES CHAPTER 24
Reconnecting
Fate, Colin had found, got a real laugh out of kicking your plans down the stairs, then walking on them in stiletto heels. Fate must be a woman then, which would explain why Colin's mother had usually been the one to thwart him when he had some devious scheme as a child or teenager. His mother had nothing to do with this one, though.
In an extreme stroke of bad luck, Colin's filming in South Africa—a mere fifty-one days—missed Jared's filming by a month. Colin left Africa in early June, Jared arrived in mid-July. Colin was working in the U.S., ironically Jared's home country, by the time Jared set foot on the continent. It was as if God was laughing at them. Perhaps they had passed each other in the air at some point. Colin would have waved out the plane window if he'd known.
God had continued to laugh at him for an extended period. Colin really didn't need to guess what sins he had committed to deserve it.
“Are you going to lay there all day?” Eamon stepped over top of him. He sat a beer down next to Colin's head. “And why don't you turn on the fucking air conditioner?”
It was August now. Colin was home for a couple of weeks while he wasn't needed on the set of the movie he was working on, The New World. He was sprawled face-down on one of the throw rugs in his living room, head on his arms, his laptop open in front of him. It was hot, uncomfortably so, but Colin didn't care. He didn't like air conditioners. He liked the feel of real air on his skin, not recycled artificially cooled breezes.
“You'll get over it,” Colin mumbled into his arms. He heard Eamon sit back down beside him, the clink of his bottle on the floorboards as he put it down.
“Damn right I will, because I'm leaving soon if you don't turn it on.”
Colin didn't say anything. His head hurt. His nose was brushing against the rug between his arms, smelling faintly of berry carpet freshener. He didn't want to look at his laptop anymore.
“So?” Eamon said after a moment of silence. “Did you get an email from him?”
“Yes,” Colin mumbled. “I don't wanna read it right now, though.”
Eamon was silent again. Colin drew a long sigh, his ribs expanding against the unyielding pressure of the floor as he blew it out. He was going to have to get up soon before he put a nasty crick in his back.
“I haven't seen him in eight months,” Colin said. “Eight months. And there's nothing that says I will until this winter when the movie comes out.”
“You've both been so busy,” Eamon said consolingly. “You haven't been able to get time off together. But you will.”
It wasn't much of a comfort, and Colin wasn't sure it mattered anymore. He had a duffel bag full of letters, and three times as much in his email folders. For most of this year, his cell phone bill had rivaled a trip to the Bahamas. But as the year wore on, the emails and phone calls dwindled to two or three times a week. The letters came maybe once a month. They were drifting, and it was little wonder. The world had moved on, and so had they.
“The important part is you still feel the same about each other,” Eamon said. Then he softened his voice, “You still feel the same, don't you?”
Colin sighed. He lifted his head and looked at the computer. Jared's name still sat next to the subject line ‘Hey I've got some news…' The little ‘unopened' icon glared at him impatiently.
“I'm tired of wanking in front of my laptop.” Colin dropped his forehead against his arm again.
“It's not as if this is a sexual thing,” Eamon scoffed. “I mean, it's not like you guys aren't able to get it elsewhere. Isn't this about the emotion?”
True, it wasn't a sexual thing. They had agreed, never seeing each other, that it would be ridiculous for them not to get their sexual needs met elsewhere. Colin had made some half-hearted attempts at it, however, he had vowed he would not sleep with another man, and had told Jared as much. There had been a few women, but nothing remarkable.
“It's over,” Colin said softly. “It's been over for months. We've grown apart.”
It hurt to say it, despite the fact it had been in his mind for weeks. Jared seemed like a dream now. He was a myth made out of pixels and ink. The only proof Colin had of his existence were printed-out pictures stuck to his mirror and letters that could have come from anyone. Even listening to Jared's voice on the phone, in the little bubble of loneliness that Colin had created for himself, he sometimes wondered if he was just dreaming, if the faraway voice he heard was not attached to a person at all.
“Colin, nothing ever ends unless you want it to,” Eamon said. Colin felt his hand on the back of his head. “Love is one of those things that can survive anything.”
Colin drew another heavy sigh. He was going to have to get off the floor.
Colin lifted his head, then reached out and started shutting down his laptop. Eamon cleared his throat.
“You aren't going to see what his news is?”
“It's always the same thing,” Colin looked up at him. Eamon, ever a companion in solidarity, had grown his hair out to match Colin's long dark locks—albeit, most of his was extensions—and though he didn't have it as dark as Colin's, he'd colored over the blond streaks. “He's got a new movie. He's writing songs. He's thinking about a tour still. I'll read it later.”
The sound of car outside made them both look toward the door. “Francisco's back,” Eamon said.
Francisco, now living in London, had become more or less another member of Colin's family. He spent as much time in Dublin as he did London, and Colin's mother and sisters had taken him in like a stray puppy. Eamon said he was always there, helping them out, driving them around, and usually staying at Eamon's house. He was even working on a program at the school with Eamon at the moment.
The nature of Eamon and Francisco's relationship was not known to Colin. Eamon didn't talk about it, even to him, and that let Colin know there was something profound in it, something Eamon didn't want to sully with words. Colin didn't know if they were friends, lovers, or something else entirely, and neither gave much indication.
Colin got to his knees, wincing at the pain in his back and ribs. He knew better than to lay on the floor for that long. Getting slowly to his feet, he found the upper air much warmer and thicker than the air near the floor, and thought maybe that air conditioner wasn't such a bad idea after all.
On their way to the door, Colin paused at the mirror and looked at the pictures of Jared he had stuck all over it. Just a dream.
“Your Mum sent over a whole bag of stuff for him!” Francisco was walking toward Colin's door, dressed in athletic shorts and a black wifebeater. His hair was collar-length now, and Colin suspected that he was trying to grow it out like Eamon's. Pretty soon they would be just like the Three Musketeers. Over his shoulder Francisco was carrying a pastel green diaper bag, on his opposite hip Colin's son James.
James was visiting while Colin was at home, and he'd spent the day at his grandma's while Colin went and got some errands done. Francisco had offered to pick him up on his way so Colin wouldn't have to go clear across town.
“Here,” Colin took him as Francisco reached the door. He was half-asleep and sucking at his fingers. Colin could tell his mother had been at him. His normally wild mop of hair was combed down, and he was in a cute little short set. He was also impeccably clean.
“I'll get the bag of stuff,” Eamon said, stepping out around Francisco. “Where is it?”
“In the backseat,” Francisco handed the diaper bag over to Colin. Colin took it and James to the spare room where a crib was set up, as well as a fan. Colin liked to bake, but he wasn't going to put his child through the same torment.
James slept most of the afternoon, which told Colin his mother had also been keeping the boy nice and lively that morning, which meant little sleep tonight. In the bag she'd sent were some of Colin and Eamon's old baby clothes and they had a good chuckle looking through them.
“That's so you,” Francisco said, when Colin held a little blue t-shirt up to Eamon's chest. “And just your color!”
“And here I thought pink was more his color,” Colin smirked.
“Isn't this your drool bib?” Eamon held up a little bib with a bunny on it. “I think you still need it today. Let's see if it fits.”
Francisco stuck around and made dinner with them. Eamon finally won and got to turn the air conditioner on, reasoning that cooking would turn the place into a sauna. At the stove, stirring some rice and vegetable thing that Francisco was making, Colin admitted to him why he'd been so glum most of the afternoon.
“You know,” Francisco said softly, “I haven't actually spoken to Jonathan for three months. Not an email, not a phone call. But I know it doesn't matter.” He looked up at Colin, his dark eyes glittering in the light above the stove. “We'll always be connected to each other, no matter what. It's one of those things that doesn't go away just because you don't see each other for a while.”
Colin thought maybe this was an opening for a few answers. “So, you and Jonathan are…”
“It's hard to put a name to it,” Francisco's voice was still soft. He looked back down at the pan he was working on. “Sometimes things aren't easy to categorize. I'm sure it's the same with Jared. But you don't need a name for it to understand it.”
Colin wanted to ask him if he was sleeping with his brother. He probably would have told him, but Colin still felt it was somehow wrong to ask, especially after Francisco said that.
James was up before dinner, and Colin knew he'd have a bitch of a time getting him back to bed that night. His mother had baby-proofed his apartment, but toddlers had magical powers in that they could find things to get into that adults wouldn't even think of. By the time Colin finally crashed on the couch with a beer that night, he was exhausted from chasing after him and hoarse from saying “no!” James was now sitting calmly in the middle of the room, building a block tower. Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, he would study a block closely, then throw it under the coffee table. Eamon was sitting in one of the chairs, legs pulled up Indian-style, drinking a beer. Francisco was sitting in another chair, drinking a beer as well and watching James.
“You know, I'm pushing forty,” Eamon said wistfully.
Colin was lying at the end of the couch where he could see the mirror, and he was staring at it dully, his beer sitting on his chest. “You got a few years.”
“Yeah, but,” Eamon sighed heavily. “I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure.”
“Are you going to have work done?” Colin looked over at him. Eamon gave him a condescending smirk.
“I'm not talking about that, gobshite.”
“Watch your mouth around the kid,” Colin said. James tossed another block under the coffee table. Colin thought he looked hopefully droopy-eyed.
“I'm talking about kids,” Eamon said.
Francisco raised an eyebrow and took a drink of his beer. Colin frowned and looked back at Eamon.
“What, you want a kid?”
“Well yes!” Eamon said defensively. “Does that seem so strange? That at some point in my life I'd actually like to experience fatherhood? I mean, you have, and it didn't kill you. Made you a better person, if you want to know the truth.”
“Well,” Colin shrugged and looked back at the mirror, fingers sliding idly over his beer bottle. “Have one, then. Find a partner. Wank in a little cup and find a willing woman.”
“I don't even need a partner,” Eamon said. “Single parenthood isn't a crime.”
“No, but it's difficult. It's easier with someone else around. You know that from our own Mam.”
“Well, why don't you go out and find someone to marry, since it's apparently so easy?” Eamon sounded irritated.
“It'll happen, if you really want it,” Francisco spoke up. For long months he had been back to his ‘dispenser of wise advice' status. Looking at him, it was hard to believe he had ever been that sad creature standing in the rain on that Dublin street.
“Yes, well it's going to have to happen soon. I'm going to have to start taking the idea seriously if I really want it.”
Colin snorted. “Men father children into their sixties, for God sake. You've got time.”
James tossed another block and gave a cranky shout. Colin took that as a sign that it might actually be time for bed.
Passing the mirror before they went back the hallway, Colin pointed out a picture of Jared to James, one of the ones from Thailand, with his hair long and a gentle smile on his face. “Jared,” he said slowly and clearly. James sucked on his fingers and stared at it with wide, interested eyes. “He had the prettiest smile,” Colin said softly, tracing his finger in a heart shape around Jared's face. “Now he's all bye-bye.”
“Bye-bye,” James slurred around his fingers, and kicked his feet against Colin's sides.
Eamon and Francisco left shortly after Colin put James to bed. Colin went to bed himself, after turning off the air conditioner and opening the windows in his bedroom. He thought about hooking up his laptop but he didn't have the heart. He couldn't lie in bed and mourn for Jared tonight. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would read the email and deal with all of that.
Vaguely sweaty, sprawled on his stomach on his bed, Colin tried to force himself to fall asleep before self-pity and misery got the best of him.
*****
A sound woke Colin up. Lifting his head from the pillow, he looked up at the clock on the bedside table. His sweat-damp hair was stuck to the side of his face and he pushed it away, blinking a few times to clear his vision. The luminescent red numbers said it was 2:38.
He looked over his shoulder toward the darkened bedroom doorway, wondering if James was awake. He'd kicked the sheet off at some point and was lying on top of the covers now. The air in the room was muggy and close, his skin soaked with sweat. He pushed himself into a sitting position and listened closely.
It wasn't James. It was the sound of the front door, now softly closing. Colin might have been alarmed, except for the fact that more than one person had a key to his front door.
“Eamon?” He called out, his voice gravelly from sleep. His first thought was that something was wrong, but just in case, he fumbled on the nightstand for an empty beer bottle that was sitting there.
He slid out of bed and padded across the floor, moving slowly toward the doorway. He could hear someone moving around out in the living room. Clutching the neck of the beer bottle in his sweaty palm, he reached around into the hallway with his other hand and switched on the light.
He winced at first against the sudden brightness, holding his hand up to shield his eyes. Whoever it was, they came to the doorway of the hall, and Colin saw it was too small to be Eamon, shorter and more slender.
Colin's eyes widened, the beer bottle falling against his side. He just stared.
Jared was standing in the doorway, dressed in faded jeans, a cream-colored t-shirt, and sneakers. He had a brown leather duffel bag over one shoulder. His hair was now collar length, shaped around his face, thick bangs falling over his forehead. His eyes gleamed in the hallway light, a myth suddenly and startlingly made real.
They just stared at each other for a long moment, the faint sound of the fan from James' room the only thing filling in the silence.
“Did you get my email?” Jared said softly.
The sound of his voice made Colin snap out of his trance. He looked down at the beer bottle in his hand, then reached back inside the room and sat it on the dresser. He made several unsuccessful attempts to find his voice before finally getting the words out. “No. I mean, yes. But I didn't read it. Yet.”
Jared just gazed at him. Colin wasn't sure what he was feeling. Every possible emotion he could have was fighting to get to the front.
“Should I go?” Jared said softly, tentatively. “I thought you might like a surprise, but…”
Colin strode forward, just two steps taking him to Jared after all those months of being thousands of miles apart. Jared's duffel bag slid off his shoulder and fell to the floor as Colin crushed his mouth against his. Jared's arms wrapped around him, his hands gliding over his sweaty back.
“Just tell me you're real,” Colin whispered, his thumb tracing Jared's wet lips in the wake of the kiss. Their faces were inches apart. Colin was trembling. “Tell me you're really here.”
“I am,” Jared's voice was tight, his eyes wide and bright. “I really am.”
Eight months dissolved into nothing. Colin found, with startling intensity, that what had been there the last time they had seen each other was still there, it had just gotten buried under everything else. He felt like an idiot for ever thinking it wouldn't be.
“We should talk,” Jared said softly. His hands were still on Colin's back, near his shoulder blades.
“We've talked enough,” Colin pressed his forehead to his. He probably smelled like an animal, but he didn't care. “All we've done is talk.”
Colin was done with words—written, typed, or spoken. He reached around and flicked off the hallway light as he moved back through the bedroom doorway, drawing Jared with him.
“Colin,” Jared gasped. Colin was already tugging his t-shirt up. He wanted to know if what he remembered was still there, and to rediscover what he didn't remember.
Jared reached down and tugged one of his sneakers off, then the other. They each fell to the floor with a thump. Colin waited patiently, then when he stood upright grabbed the bottom of his t-shirt again and tugged it up and off. Jared hadn't even lowered his arms before Colin was kissing him again.
Jared was sweaty—not as sweaty as Colin was, but warm and solid, real. His hands roamed over Colin's arms and shoulders, the skin of their chests sticking together. Jared slid his hands up and ran them through Colin's damp, tangled hair.
“Your hair,” Jared chuckled breathily, his mouth still close to Colin's. “Is it real?”
“Some of it,” Colin sifted his fingers through Jared's. It was as soft as he remembered it, thick and silky. “Yours is shorter.”
“You've seen pictures of me.”
“It's not the same as you being right here in front of me.”
They paused, staring into each other's eyes. The light from the windows glinted in Jared's eyes, his face dimly lit by it. Jared said softly, tightly, “No, it's not. I'm sorry. I should have—”
Colin stopped him with another kiss. His mouth was soft, warm.
“Don't say anything,” Colin whispered as he broke away. “Don't talk.”
Jared just gazed at him. Colin ran his fingers through his hair again. “Just touch me,” Colin whispered, feeling desperate, on the verge of some frightening emotional outburst. “Just touch me…”
Jared touched him, fingertips running gently over his skin, over his arms and shoulders and down to his chest, over his belly, which quivered and drew in at his touch. Colin started undoing Jared's jeans.
Colin wasn't sure if he was actually horny or just craving Jared's body, just wanting to touch him and see him and be held by him. The intimacy seemed more important than anything sexual, that he be touching every part of Jared that he could, feeling him, being reassured at last that there was a Jared in the world, and he was still his. It was more than sex, it was a reconnection—a lighting up of a place inside him that had been dark for far too long. Colin held him, just held him for a few minutes, the heat between them making them sweat more and Colin thinking he had never felt anything so good in his life. He clutched him so tightly that he could hear Jared's labored breathing against his ear. He didn't try to pull away though, just clung as tightly as Colin did.
“I want you to touch me too,” Jared whispered. “Touch me everywhere.”
Colin ran his hands over him, kissing his bare shoulder, and then he felt the first spark of arousal, creating a slow-spreading warmth in his belly. He gripped the top of Jared's jeans and tugged them down. He was wearing plain white briefs beneath them and Colin pulled those down as well, pushing both down around his knees. The musky scent that invaded the humid air between them made the spark burst into a flame.
“This is so much better than wanking over the phone or the computer,” Colin said. He slid his hands over Jared's hips. They were still slender and narrow, though Jared had put on a bit of weight—just enough to soften some of his sharp angles, to fill him out a bit. Colin had put on weight since the movie too. Jared hooked a finger in the elastic of his shorts and tugged.
“You're telling me,” Jared breathed. “I'd like to feel your hands on my cock this time.”
Jared was getting hard, and as Colin slid his hand around him, he remembered what eight months had dulled—how much he actually liked the feel of a male body. All the old insecurities and fears surrounding that idea had gone to sleep with the memory. Thankfully, they didn't wake up just yet.
Jared tugged Colin's shorts down, once they were past his thighs being loose enough to drop the rest of the way to the floor. Jared's pants were still around his knees. Colin wanted to let him take them off, but he also wanted to keep stroking his cock, which was firming up nicely in his hand.
“I almost forgot how fucking sexy you were…” Jared's fingers skimmed along Colin's belly and down to his groin, where his own cock was slowly stiffening. “Christ, it's fucking hot in here.”
“Yes, it is.” Colin's cock twitched in response to the light touches, and he leaned forward to kiss Jared again. His lips were salty with sweat. When Colin pulled back, Jared gently took Colin's wrist and drew his hand away from his cock. It was fully hard now. Jared bent down and started removing his jeans and underwear the rest of the way, along with his socks.
Colin waited, touching his hair, not wanting to lose contact with him. Jared tossed his clothes to the side. Colin was about to draw him back to the bed, but Jared fell to his knees. There was a rug at the bottom of the bed where they were standing, so he wasn't on the bare floorboards. He clutched Colin's hips and looked up at him, and Colin gasped as he was drawn forward.
Jared's hand giving a long, smooth stroke to the shaft of his cock, palm slick with sweat, made him respond in a way he hadn't responded to anything in eight long months. Yes, he had gotten aroused in that time, but he hadn't felt like that, like he might come with the merest coaxing, stiffening so fast and so fully that it hurt.
“Jared, fuck,” Colin gritted out. The palm of Jared's hand cupped the head of his cock for a moment, enclosing it in damp warmth.
Then his hand was gone, replaced by his mouth, which was infinitely hotter and better.
Colin hadn't realized how much he had missed that mouth, but now that it was around him, sliding down on him, it was better than any damn fantasy he'd had, any filthy email or heated phone conversation. He curled his fingers in Jared's hair, his balance betraying him.
“Let me sit down,” Colin implored breathily. “I like what you're doing, but I don't want to fall over on you.”
Jared slid his mouth off and drew back. He was gazing up at Colin, licking his lips, sucking the lower one into his mouth. Colin stepped out of his shorts still puddled around his feet and moved back to the bed. He sat down heavily, gazing at Jared.
Jared didn't get up, just crawled forward on the rug, slinking toward him in the half-light. The sight made Colin's cock twitch.
“Christ I've missed you,” Colin whispered
“I can tell,” Jared's hand slid around his cock again, squeezing.
Jared went back to work on him, swallowing him, bobbing his head slowly, letting him feel it. His fingers flexed on Colin's sweaty thighs, soft sounds issuing from his throat and vibrating along Colin's cock. Colin threaded his fingers in his hair again and leaned back, resting on his other hand. His toes curled against the rough weave of the rug. He told himself not to come, not yet.
Colin slid his hand out of Jared's hair and down to his face, finding it a strange time to be overcome with emotion, but he was. His fingers traced his jaw, feeling the prickly layer of stubble there, then up over his cheek, which he could feel flexing with his movements. The pleasure pouring through him was so vibrant, so consuming. Colin wanted to pull him up and cradle his face and kiss him over and over.
“Don't do that all night,” Colin whispered. “I want more than that.” He also wanted him to stop before it ended too quickly.
Jared bobbed his head a few more times, then slid his mouth off, wrapping his fingers around the base. He looked up at Colin, then ran his tongue slowly along the length of his shaft, all the way to the head, where he gave a slow, swirling lick, and then a parting suck. All this he did without breaking eye contact. Colin thought for a second he was just going to burst into a rather unmanly display of tears.
“Jared…” he was trembling, touching his hair again, his shoulders, his face. Jared nuzzled against his palm.
“I'm here,” he whispered, and moved up Colin's body.
On the bed, entangled, sweaty skin on sweaty skin, Colin could find no more words. He wanted to touch every part of Jared at once, his leg wrapped around his, hands everywhere, mouth on his face and neck. Jared's breathing was soft and quick, the way he squirmed against Colin demanding and possessive at the same time, as if he was trying to rub the very essence of himself all over him.
Colin adjusted his hips, gripped with need, and ground his cock against Jared's. Jared made a soft sound and pushed back. Colin rubbed, seeking sensation, wanting the heat that was the only thing that could melt the frost of eight months inside him.
“Have you been careful?” Jared asked. Colin was licking at his chin, tongue dragging across the stubble there, then at his lips, tasting his own musky flavor on them. “I have some condoms,” Jared murmured.
“I have, if you trust me,” Colin murmured back. “Have you?”
There was a moment of hesitation, which sparked a faint glimmer of worry in Colin's chest. Colin drew back, looking at him. Then Jared said softly, “I haven't slept with anyone since you.”
Colin was stunned. He stared at him for a moment. “But you…we agreed…”
“I know,” Jared reached out and caressed his cheek. It was so hot, around them and between them, their breathing quick in the sweltering darkness. “And I'm not mad that you did. I just chose not to.”
Colin thought for a moment he was pulling his leg, but he was serious. He was gazing at Colin, his face half in shadow, but his eyes visible and sincere.
“But it's been eight months!” Colin said in disbelief.
Jared gave a soft snort. “Contrary to what you think Colin, people can go without sex for a long time and not die.”
Colin didn't know what to say. This revelation stunned him, flattened him in fact. He thought about the times he had emailed Jared, or told him on the phone that he had slept with someone. He never kept it from him. Looking back, Jared had indeed never told him anything about his own sexual encounters. Colin had assumed he just wanted to keep it to himself.
“Christ, I feel like the biggest asshole in the world now,” Colin said, sagging against the bed. His arousal dwindled.
Jared propped himself up on his elbow. He leaned over Colin, touching his fingers to his lips, and whispered, “Colin, do you love me?”
It was a word Colin had become comfortable with, typing it at the end of emails, saying it just before he got off the phone. He'd said it and wrote it so many times now it was almost hollow. Now the feeling behind it came rushing back. “Yes, I do,” he whispered.
“Did you love any of those women you slept with?”
Colin swallowed. “No, not even close.”
“That's all I need from you,” Jared stroked his thumb along the corner of his mouth. “That's all.”
“But what does that say about how you feel, compared to me? That you didn't touch another person the entire time?”
“Everyone loves in their own way,” Jared lowered his face, brushing his lips against Colin's. “That doesn't make yours any less. The fact that you're upset about it speaks volumes.”
“Jared…”
“Are you going to let this come between us after eight months of being apart?” Jared said softly. Colin gazed up at him, and Jared smiled gently, reassuringly.
Colin drew him close, their skin sliding together, arousal flaring again at the contact. Colin knew this was all he wanted, all he needed. Nothing else mattered.
“Nothing is going to come between us tonight.”
The intensity was all consuming, stilling the air around them, filling the room, filling them. All Colin knew was the feel of Jared's body. Everything else in the world fell away as his focus narrowed and sharpened. Jared crawled on top of him, their hips grinding together, Jared's mouth on his. Colin sucked at his tongue and ran his fingers along his ribs, feeling the hard ridges beneath the slick skin.
“We need something,” Colin murmured, still trying to kiss at Jared's mouth as he drew it away. “I don't have…I haven't…”
“I have some oil in my bag,” Jared said. “I'll get it.”
“Hopeful, were you?” Colin smiled as he crawled off the bed. Colin watched him move in the light from the windows, slipping through the shadows of his room as he often did through his dreams.
“More than hopeful,” Jared disappeared into the hallway, where his bag was still sitting on the floor. His voice drifted back. “Positive.”
He returned with a bottle of something, a faint sloshing sound issuing from it as he crawled back on the bed. Colin reached for it, his thumb sliding over the lid to see how it opened. It had a flip-top.
“I need a little preparation,” Jared said softly. “I'm out of practice.”
Colin swallowed hard, thinking of what Jared had done—or hadn't done, rather. To think there were nights he had wondered if Jared even thought about him when they weren't actually talking. The kind of devotion he had displayed was not something Colin deserved. But then, Colin didn't think he deserved most of what Jared saw fit to give him.
The oil gave off a faint greasy smell as Colin coated two of his fingers with it. He found Jared hot and tight inside, just the way he remembered. Colin kissed at the back of his neck, tasting the tangy salt of his sweat and listening to his soft gasps against the pillow. After a time Colin slid his fingers out and added more oil, wanting to make sure he was nice and slick and perfectly comfortable.
“I missed that,” Jared sighed. Colin could vaguely make out his profile against the pillowcase. “Oh,” he gasped, a little shudder going through him as Colin reinserted his fingers. He lifted his hips from the bed.
Colin prepared him on his stomach, but he didn't want him face down for the actual sex. Jared rolled over and drew his knees up, his feet finding purchase above Colin's hipbones. He took the oil and slicked Colin's cock slowly, hand over hand. Colin shuddered and twitched, holding himself up on his arms. The scents of oil and musk and sweat filled the air between them.
Jared was gazing up at him, eyelids heavy and his eyes dark behind them. Colin leaned down and kissed him passionately. Jared released him, tilting his hips up.
“I'm ready,” Jared whispered.
Colin thought he would die sliding into him. He'd almost forgotten the sensation, and having it back was overwhelming. He gritted his teeth, trying to keep from crying out. Jared held his breath, finally letting out a long, low moan when Colin pushed past the resistance and sunk into him.
“God,” Jared whispered, squirming beneath him. He gave a soft hiss. “Ah…”
“Does it hurt?” Colin whispered back, holding still. He was trying to stop the trembling that was already taking over his body.
“Just a little,” Jared murmured. “I'll be all right. Go on.”
It took a little adjusting, a few tentative thrusts, but they found a comfortable position for both of them. Colin lowered himself onto him as much as he could, elbows on the bed, and found a rhythm. Jared's legs were wrapped around his back, his heels digging into the base of Colin's spine. It was hard to keep them there since they were both so sweaty, but it worked.
It was slow at first, intense, hot. Colin was in no hurry. He wanted to feel Jared for as long as he could, inside and outside, clinging to him, enclosing him. Jared's breathing was shallow and quick, punctuated by soft moans against Colin's ear. Colin was making sounds too, little grunts and moans, his lips brushing Jared's face and neck. Occasionally he would lick or kiss, but mostly he was content to just breathe him in—that lovely, unique smell that was Jared. He had missed it so much. Being flooded with it now made his eyes burn with tears. He had to squeeze them shut to keep them from falling.
Colin's arousal was so very high and keen, but not driving yet. He rode it out for as long as he could, taking it slow, making love to Jared. At one point he actually stopped, just holding inside him and feeling. Colin was trembling. Jared's hands moved lazily over his back and shoulders.
“I love that,” Jared whispered, his breath tickling Colin's ear. “When you get like this, when you can't stop shaking.”
Colin had hated it once upon a time, but now he didn't mind so much. He dropped his forehead against Jared's sweaty shoulder and tried to calm himself, but it was no use. His body was starting to want more, encouraging him to move again.
Jared lifted his hips. “Fuck me now Colin,” he whispered. “It's been too long.”
Colin gladly obliged, kissing Jared hard, his hands tightening on his shoulders where he was gripping them. The rhythm built and built until Colin was pounding into him, fucking him into the bed, slamming the headboard against the wall. Jared was giving high, whimpering moans into his mouth, Colin sucking hard at his tongue and moaning in return. Jared's nails dug into his back, his heels pushing down hard, forcing him in as deep as he could get.
It didn't take Colin long to come like that, which was why he hadn't done it in the first place. Jared stroked his face and moaned softly as Colin shuddered, convulsing almost, flooding into him with a blinding rush of pleasure. He tried to hold back from being too loud, but finally gave a harsh, strangled shout.
“Colin,” Jared moaned, wrapping his arms around him. Colin was trembling violently, the spasms in his lower body gradually tapering off. He'd bitten so hard into his lower lip that it was throbbing.
Colin drew away from him, both of them soaked with sweat and burning hot. Colin intended to go turn on the air conditioner, but not just yet. Jared groaned as Colin slid out of him, then he moved down Jared's body, licking at the sweat as went. Jared hadn't come yet.
Jared gasped, gripping Colin's hair as he slid his mouth over him. He was hot and musky and tangy, his thickness delightful in Colin's mouth. Gripping Jared's hips, he started to bob his head, quick and insistent. Jared writhed and pulled at his hair and cried out. It didn't take long.
“Colin!” Jared's voice was breathy and desperate. Colin felt his feet pushing against his sides. “Oh God! Coming!”
He came rather violently, writhing and jerking, and copiously enough that Colin had to pull off before he finished because he was in danger of choking. What resulted was a rather ungraceful shot to the face before Colin had the presence of mind to cup his hand over the head. Not everything could be perfect.
Afterwards, Colin chuckled, sitting next to Jared and cleaning his face off with his fingers.
“I think you got some in my hair.”
“Sorry,” Jared mumbled, sounding anything but apologetic.
Colin sucked his fingers clean, liking the way Jared tasted, almost having forgotten how delicious he was. He flopped on the bed and they lay side by side in the sweltering darkness, panting.
“Christ, don't you have an air conditioner?” Jared asked.
“I do,” Colin said. “I'll turn it on.”
“Conserving energy or something? Or are you practicing living in the time period of that movie you're working on? Should I put on a wig and let you call me Pocahontas?”
“God I've missed you,” Colin grinned.
Just then there was a sound—a cranky, plaintive little wail. Jared sat up on his elbows, so fast that Colin laughed. Jared looked toward the doorway in alarm. “What the…?”
“James is here,” Colin said. He sat up and crawled off the bed. “He's staying till the end of the week. All your yelling probably woke him up.” Colin tried to find his shorts in the dark, James' whimpers becoming full-fledged crying. “I'm coming, I'm coming!”
“My yelling?” Jared scoffed. “Why didn't you tell me he was here?”
Colin found his shorts at the bottom of the bed and started tugging them on. “The right moment didn't arise. I didn't exactly want to bring my son up while I had my cock in you.”
Colin padded out to the kitchen, got a bottle out of the refrigerator, and warmed it up in the microwave. James yowled angrily while Colin did this, apparently not moving fast enough for him. Just after the microwave beeped, the crying stopped, and Colin wondered if he'd gone back to sleep.
Heading back down the hallway though, he saw the light in his room was on. As he came around the corner he saw Jared leaning over his crib, wearing just his underwear, busy changing his diaper.
Colin went over to the crib, frowning, holding the bottle. “Where did you learn to do that?”
Jared smiled up at him. His face was flushed, his hair tousled. “Shannon's girlfriend has a baby,” he looked back down at James, fastening the tabs on his fresh diaper. “Not Shannon's. But she brings her around. She taught me how.”
Colin couldn't help but smile. James saw the bottle in Colin's hand and gave an angry shout, reaching for it. Colin handed it over. “You better be good, Jared's nice enough to change your manky little nappy for you!”
James, who had popped the bottle into his mouth, took it back out. “Bye-bye,” he said to Jared, then resumed sucking.
Jared chuckled. “Aw, that's cute. And here I figured his first word would be ‘whisky.'” Jared was smiling down at him. Colin, however, was standing there with a lump in his throat.
“Here,” Jared plopped the soggy, rolled up diaper into Colin's hand. Colin made a face. “You can dispose of it.”
“Thanks a lot.”
With James taken care of and drifting back to sleep, Colin went and cleaned up, turned on the air conditioner, and waited in bed while Jared cleaned up. When he came back and crawled in beside Colin, Colin turned on his side and slipped an arm around him.
“So, happy to see me?” Jared said softly.
“What do you think?” Colin stroked Jared's hair away from his forehead. “How long are you staying?”
“A week,” Jared smiled. “You would have known that if you'd read the email.”
“I'm tried of emails. I want you back in my life.”
“I will be,” Jared said, gazing into his eyes. “From now on, we're going to make an effort. We're going to see each other at least once a month, even if it's only for a day or two. They make planes that go in all directions, after all. I don't know why we've been so ignorant.”
“Maybe we had to know.”
“Know?” Jared lifted his head a little, cocking an eyebrow.
“If we were strong enough. To last.” Colin gazed steadily at him.
Jared laid his head back down on the pillow, smiling softly. “I think it was a success.”
THE END
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Fate, Colin had found, got a real laugh out of kicking your plans down the stairs, then walking on them in stiletto heels. Fate must be a woman then, which would explain why Colin's mother had usually been the one to thwart him when he had some devious scheme as a child or teenager. His mother had nothing to do with this one, though.
In an extreme stroke of bad luck, Colin's filming in South Africa—a mere fifty-one days—missed Jared's filming by a month. Colin left Africa in early June, Jared arrived in mid-July. Colin was working in the U.S., ironically Jared's home country, by the time Jared set foot on the continent. It was as if God was laughing at them. Perhaps they had passed each other in the air at some point. Colin would have waved out the plane window if he'd known.
God had continued to laugh at him for an extended period. Colin really didn't need to guess what sins he had committed to deserve it.
“Are you going to lay there all day?” Eamon stepped over top of him. He sat a beer down next to Colin's head. “And why don't you turn on the fucking air conditioner?”
It was August now. Colin was home for a couple of weeks while he wasn't needed on the set of the movie he was working on, The New World. He was sprawled face-down on one of the throw rugs in his living room, head on his arms, his laptop open in front of him. It was hot, uncomfortably so, but Colin didn't care. He didn't like air conditioners. He liked the feel of real air on his skin, not recycled artificially cooled breezes.
“You'll get over it,” Colin mumbled into his arms. He heard Eamon sit back down beside him, the clink of his bottle on the floorboards as he put it down.
“Damn right I will, because I'm leaving soon if you don't turn it on.”
Colin didn't say anything. His head hurt. His nose was brushing against the rug between his arms, smelling faintly of berry carpet freshener. He didn't want to look at his laptop anymore.
“So?” Eamon said after a moment of silence. “Did you get an email from him?”
“Yes,” Colin mumbled. “I don't wanna read it right now, though.”
Eamon was silent again. Colin drew a long sigh, his ribs expanding against the unyielding pressure of the floor as he blew it out. He was going to have to get up soon before he put a nasty crick in his back.
“I haven't seen him in eight months,” Colin said. “Eight months. And there's nothing that says I will until this winter when the movie comes out.”
“You've both been so busy,” Eamon said consolingly. “You haven't been able to get time off together. But you will.”
It wasn't much of a comfort, and Colin wasn't sure it mattered anymore. He had a duffel bag full of letters, and three times as much in his email folders. For most of this year, his cell phone bill had rivaled a trip to the Bahamas. But as the year wore on, the emails and phone calls dwindled to two or three times a week. The letters came maybe once a month. They were drifting, and it was little wonder. The world had moved on, and so had they.
“The important part is you still feel the same about each other,” Eamon said. Then he softened his voice, “You still feel the same, don't you?”
Colin sighed. He lifted his head and looked at the computer. Jared's name still sat next to the subject line ‘Hey I've got some news…' The little ‘unopened' icon glared at him impatiently.
“I'm tired of wanking in front of my laptop.” Colin dropped his forehead against his arm again.
“It's not as if this is a sexual thing,” Eamon scoffed. “I mean, it's not like you guys aren't able to get it elsewhere. Isn't this about the emotion?”
True, it wasn't a sexual thing. They had agreed, never seeing each other, that it would be ridiculous for them not to get their sexual needs met elsewhere. Colin had made some half-hearted attempts at it, however, he had vowed he would not sleep with another man, and had told Jared as much. There had been a few women, but nothing remarkable.
“It's over,” Colin said softly. “It's been over for months. We've grown apart.”
It hurt to say it, despite the fact it had been in his mind for weeks. Jared seemed like a dream now. He was a myth made out of pixels and ink. The only proof Colin had of his existence were printed-out pictures stuck to his mirror and letters that could have come from anyone. Even listening to Jared's voice on the phone, in the little bubble of loneliness that Colin had created for himself, he sometimes wondered if he was just dreaming, if the faraway voice he heard was not attached to a person at all.
“Colin, nothing ever ends unless you want it to,” Eamon said. Colin felt his hand on the back of his head. “Love is one of those things that can survive anything.”
Colin drew another heavy sigh. He was going to have to get off the floor.
Colin lifted his head, then reached out and started shutting down his laptop. Eamon cleared his throat.
“You aren't going to see what his news is?”
“It's always the same thing,” Colin looked up at him. Eamon, ever a companion in solidarity, had grown his hair out to match Colin's long dark locks—albeit, most of his was extensions—and though he didn't have it as dark as Colin's, he'd colored over the blond streaks. “He's got a new movie. He's writing songs. He's thinking about a tour still. I'll read it later.”
The sound of car outside made them both look toward the door. “Francisco's back,” Eamon said.
Francisco, now living in London, had become more or less another member of Colin's family. He spent as much time in Dublin as he did London, and Colin's mother and sisters had taken him in like a stray puppy. Eamon said he was always there, helping them out, driving them around, and usually staying at Eamon's house. He was even working on a program at the school with Eamon at the moment.
The nature of Eamon and Francisco's relationship was not known to Colin. Eamon didn't talk about it, even to him, and that let Colin know there was something profound in it, something Eamon didn't want to sully with words. Colin didn't know if they were friends, lovers, or something else entirely, and neither gave much indication.
Colin got to his knees, wincing at the pain in his back and ribs. He knew better than to lay on the floor for that long. Getting slowly to his feet, he found the upper air much warmer and thicker than the air near the floor, and thought maybe that air conditioner wasn't such a bad idea after all.
On their way to the door, Colin paused at the mirror and looked at the pictures of Jared he had stuck all over it. Just a dream.
“Your Mum sent over a whole bag of stuff for him!” Francisco was walking toward Colin's door, dressed in athletic shorts and a black wifebeater. His hair was collar-length now, and Colin suspected that he was trying to grow it out like Eamon's. Pretty soon they would be just like the Three Musketeers. Over his shoulder Francisco was carrying a pastel green diaper bag, on his opposite hip Colin's son James.
James was visiting while Colin was at home, and he'd spent the day at his grandma's while Colin went and got some errands done. Francisco had offered to pick him up on his way so Colin wouldn't have to go clear across town.
“Here,” Colin took him as Francisco reached the door. He was half-asleep and sucking at his fingers. Colin could tell his mother had been at him. His normally wild mop of hair was combed down, and he was in a cute little short set. He was also impeccably clean.
“I'll get the bag of stuff,” Eamon said, stepping out around Francisco. “Where is it?”
“In the backseat,” Francisco handed the diaper bag over to Colin. Colin took it and James to the spare room where a crib was set up, as well as a fan. Colin liked to bake, but he wasn't going to put his child through the same torment.
James slept most of the afternoon, which told Colin his mother had also been keeping the boy nice and lively that morning, which meant little sleep tonight. In the bag she'd sent were some of Colin and Eamon's old baby clothes and they had a good chuckle looking through them.
“That's so you,” Francisco said, when Colin held a little blue t-shirt up to Eamon's chest. “And just your color!”
“And here I thought pink was more his color,” Colin smirked.
“Isn't this your drool bib?” Eamon held up a little bib with a bunny on it. “I think you still need it today. Let's see if it fits.”
Francisco stuck around and made dinner with them. Eamon finally won and got to turn the air conditioner on, reasoning that cooking would turn the place into a sauna. At the stove, stirring some rice and vegetable thing that Francisco was making, Colin admitted to him why he'd been so glum most of the afternoon.
“You know,” Francisco said softly, “I haven't actually spoken to Jonathan for three months. Not an email, not a phone call. But I know it doesn't matter.” He looked up at Colin, his dark eyes glittering in the light above the stove. “We'll always be connected to each other, no matter what. It's one of those things that doesn't go away just because you don't see each other for a while.”
Colin thought maybe this was an opening for a few answers. “So, you and Jonathan are…”
“It's hard to put a name to it,” Francisco's voice was still soft. He looked back down at the pan he was working on. “Sometimes things aren't easy to categorize. I'm sure it's the same with Jared. But you don't need a name for it to understand it.”
Colin wanted to ask him if he was sleeping with his brother. He probably would have told him, but Colin still felt it was somehow wrong to ask, especially after Francisco said that.
James was up before dinner, and Colin knew he'd have a bitch of a time getting him back to bed that night. His mother had baby-proofed his apartment, but toddlers had magical powers in that they could find things to get into that adults wouldn't even think of. By the time Colin finally crashed on the couch with a beer that night, he was exhausted from chasing after him and hoarse from saying “no!” James was now sitting calmly in the middle of the room, building a block tower. Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, he would study a block closely, then throw it under the coffee table. Eamon was sitting in one of the chairs, legs pulled up Indian-style, drinking a beer. Francisco was sitting in another chair, drinking a beer as well and watching James.
“You know, I'm pushing forty,” Eamon said wistfully.
Colin was lying at the end of the couch where he could see the mirror, and he was staring at it dully, his beer sitting on his chest. “You got a few years.”
“Yeah, but,” Eamon sighed heavily. “I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure.”
“Are you going to have work done?” Colin looked over at him. Eamon gave him a condescending smirk.
“I'm not talking about that, gobshite.”
“Watch your mouth around the kid,” Colin said. James tossed another block under the coffee table. Colin thought he looked hopefully droopy-eyed.
“I'm talking about kids,” Eamon said.
Francisco raised an eyebrow and took a drink of his beer. Colin frowned and looked back at Eamon.
“What, you want a kid?”
“Well yes!” Eamon said defensively. “Does that seem so strange? That at some point in my life I'd actually like to experience fatherhood? I mean, you have, and it didn't kill you. Made you a better person, if you want to know the truth.”
“Well,” Colin shrugged and looked back at the mirror, fingers sliding idly over his beer bottle. “Have one, then. Find a partner. Wank in a little cup and find a willing woman.”
“I don't even need a partner,” Eamon said. “Single parenthood isn't a crime.”
“No, but it's difficult. It's easier with someone else around. You know that from our own Mam.”
“Well, why don't you go out and find someone to marry, since it's apparently so easy?” Eamon sounded irritated.
“It'll happen, if you really want it,” Francisco spoke up. For long months he had been back to his ‘dispenser of wise advice' status. Looking at him, it was hard to believe he had ever been that sad creature standing in the rain on that Dublin street.
“Yes, well it's going to have to happen soon. I'm going to have to start taking the idea seriously if I really want it.”
Colin snorted. “Men father children into their sixties, for God sake. You've got time.”
James tossed another block and gave a cranky shout. Colin took that as a sign that it might actually be time for bed.
Passing the mirror before they went back the hallway, Colin pointed out a picture of Jared to James, one of the ones from Thailand, with his hair long and a gentle smile on his face. “Jared,” he said slowly and clearly. James sucked on his fingers and stared at it with wide, interested eyes. “He had the prettiest smile,” Colin said softly, tracing his finger in a heart shape around Jared's face. “Now he's all bye-bye.”
“Bye-bye,” James slurred around his fingers, and kicked his feet against Colin's sides.
Eamon and Francisco left shortly after Colin put James to bed. Colin went to bed himself, after turning off the air conditioner and opening the windows in his bedroom. He thought about hooking up his laptop but he didn't have the heart. He couldn't lie in bed and mourn for Jared tonight. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would read the email and deal with all of that.
Vaguely sweaty, sprawled on his stomach on his bed, Colin tried to force himself to fall asleep before self-pity and misery got the best of him.
*****
A sound woke Colin up. Lifting his head from the pillow, he looked up at the clock on the bedside table. His sweat-damp hair was stuck to the side of his face and he pushed it away, blinking a few times to clear his vision. The luminescent red numbers said it was 2:38.
He looked over his shoulder toward the darkened bedroom doorway, wondering if James was awake. He'd kicked the sheet off at some point and was lying on top of the covers now. The air in the room was muggy and close, his skin soaked with sweat. He pushed himself into a sitting position and listened closely.
It wasn't James. It was the sound of the front door, now softly closing. Colin might have been alarmed, except for the fact that more than one person had a key to his front door.
“Eamon?” He called out, his voice gravelly from sleep. His first thought was that something was wrong, but just in case, he fumbled on the nightstand for an empty beer bottle that was sitting there.
He slid out of bed and padded across the floor, moving slowly toward the doorway. He could hear someone moving around out in the living room. Clutching the neck of the beer bottle in his sweaty palm, he reached around into the hallway with his other hand and switched on the light.
He winced at first against the sudden brightness, holding his hand up to shield his eyes. Whoever it was, they came to the doorway of the hall, and Colin saw it was too small to be Eamon, shorter and more slender.
Colin's eyes widened, the beer bottle falling against his side. He just stared.
Jared was standing in the doorway, dressed in faded jeans, a cream-colored t-shirt, and sneakers. He had a brown leather duffel bag over one shoulder. His hair was now collar length, shaped around his face, thick bangs falling over his forehead. His eyes gleamed in the hallway light, a myth suddenly and startlingly made real.
They just stared at each other for a long moment, the faint sound of the fan from James' room the only thing filling in the silence.
“Did you get my email?” Jared said softly.
The sound of his voice made Colin snap out of his trance. He looked down at the beer bottle in his hand, then reached back inside the room and sat it on the dresser. He made several unsuccessful attempts to find his voice before finally getting the words out. “No. I mean, yes. But I didn't read it. Yet.”
Jared just gazed at him. Colin wasn't sure what he was feeling. Every possible emotion he could have was fighting to get to the front.
“Should I go?” Jared said softly, tentatively. “I thought you might like a surprise, but…”
Colin strode forward, just two steps taking him to Jared after all those months of being thousands of miles apart. Jared's duffel bag slid off his shoulder and fell to the floor as Colin crushed his mouth against his. Jared's arms wrapped around him, his hands gliding over his sweaty back.
“Just tell me you're real,” Colin whispered, his thumb tracing Jared's wet lips in the wake of the kiss. Their faces were inches apart. Colin was trembling. “Tell me you're really here.”
“I am,” Jared's voice was tight, his eyes wide and bright. “I really am.”
Eight months dissolved into nothing. Colin found, with startling intensity, that what had been there the last time they had seen each other was still there, it had just gotten buried under everything else. He felt like an idiot for ever thinking it wouldn't be.
“We should talk,” Jared said softly. His hands were still on Colin's back, near his shoulder blades.
“We've talked enough,” Colin pressed his forehead to his. He probably smelled like an animal, but he didn't care. “All we've done is talk.”
Colin was done with words—written, typed, or spoken. He reached around and flicked off the hallway light as he moved back through the bedroom doorway, drawing Jared with him.
“Colin,” Jared gasped. Colin was already tugging his t-shirt up. He wanted to know if what he remembered was still there, and to rediscover what he didn't remember.
Jared reached down and tugged one of his sneakers off, then the other. They each fell to the floor with a thump. Colin waited patiently, then when he stood upright grabbed the bottom of his t-shirt again and tugged it up and off. Jared hadn't even lowered his arms before Colin was kissing him again.
Jared was sweaty—not as sweaty as Colin was, but warm and solid, real. His hands roamed over Colin's arms and shoulders, the skin of their chests sticking together. Jared slid his hands up and ran them through Colin's damp, tangled hair.
“Your hair,” Jared chuckled breathily, his mouth still close to Colin's. “Is it real?”
“Some of it,” Colin sifted his fingers through Jared's. It was as soft as he remembered it, thick and silky. “Yours is shorter.”
“You've seen pictures of me.”
“It's not the same as you being right here in front of me.”
They paused, staring into each other's eyes. The light from the windows glinted in Jared's eyes, his face dimly lit by it. Jared said softly, tightly, “No, it's not. I'm sorry. I should have—”
Colin stopped him with another kiss. His mouth was soft, warm.
“Don't say anything,” Colin whispered as he broke away. “Don't talk.”
Jared just gazed at him. Colin ran his fingers through his hair again. “Just touch me,” Colin whispered, feeling desperate, on the verge of some frightening emotional outburst. “Just touch me…”
Jared touched him, fingertips running gently over his skin, over his arms and shoulders and down to his chest, over his belly, which quivered and drew in at his touch. Colin started undoing Jared's jeans.
Colin wasn't sure if he was actually horny or just craving Jared's body, just wanting to touch him and see him and be held by him. The intimacy seemed more important than anything sexual, that he be touching every part of Jared that he could, feeling him, being reassured at last that there was a Jared in the world, and he was still his. It was more than sex, it was a reconnection—a lighting up of a place inside him that had been dark for far too long. Colin held him, just held him for a few minutes, the heat between them making them sweat more and Colin thinking he had never felt anything so good in his life. He clutched him so tightly that he could hear Jared's labored breathing against his ear. He didn't try to pull away though, just clung as tightly as Colin did.
“I want you to touch me too,” Jared whispered. “Touch me everywhere.”
Colin ran his hands over him, kissing his bare shoulder, and then he felt the first spark of arousal, creating a slow-spreading warmth in his belly. He gripped the top of Jared's jeans and tugged them down. He was wearing plain white briefs beneath them and Colin pulled those down as well, pushing both down around his knees. The musky scent that invaded the humid air between them made the spark burst into a flame.
“This is so much better than wanking over the phone or the computer,” Colin said. He slid his hands over Jared's hips. They were still slender and narrow, though Jared had put on a bit of weight—just enough to soften some of his sharp angles, to fill him out a bit. Colin had put on weight since the movie too. Jared hooked a finger in the elastic of his shorts and tugged.
“You're telling me,” Jared breathed. “I'd like to feel your hands on my cock this time.”
Jared was getting hard, and as Colin slid his hand around him, he remembered what eight months had dulled—how much he actually liked the feel of a male body. All the old insecurities and fears surrounding that idea had gone to sleep with the memory. Thankfully, they didn't wake up just yet.
Jared tugged Colin's shorts down, once they were past his thighs being loose enough to drop the rest of the way to the floor. Jared's pants were still around his knees. Colin wanted to let him take them off, but he also wanted to keep stroking his cock, which was firming up nicely in his hand.
“I almost forgot how fucking sexy you were…” Jared's fingers skimmed along Colin's belly and down to his groin, where his own cock was slowly stiffening. “Christ, it's fucking hot in here.”
“Yes, it is.” Colin's cock twitched in response to the light touches, and he leaned forward to kiss Jared again. His lips were salty with sweat. When Colin pulled back, Jared gently took Colin's wrist and drew his hand away from his cock. It was fully hard now. Jared bent down and started removing his jeans and underwear the rest of the way, along with his socks.
Colin waited, touching his hair, not wanting to lose contact with him. Jared tossed his clothes to the side. Colin was about to draw him back to the bed, but Jared fell to his knees. There was a rug at the bottom of the bed where they were standing, so he wasn't on the bare floorboards. He clutched Colin's hips and looked up at him, and Colin gasped as he was drawn forward.
Jared's hand giving a long, smooth stroke to the shaft of his cock, palm slick with sweat, made him respond in a way he hadn't responded to anything in eight long months. Yes, he had gotten aroused in that time, but he hadn't felt like that, like he might come with the merest coaxing, stiffening so fast and so fully that it hurt.
“Jared, fuck,” Colin gritted out. The palm of Jared's hand cupped the head of his cock for a moment, enclosing it in damp warmth.
Then his hand was gone, replaced by his mouth, which was infinitely hotter and better.
Colin hadn't realized how much he had missed that mouth, but now that it was around him, sliding down on him, it was better than any damn fantasy he'd had, any filthy email or heated phone conversation. He curled his fingers in Jared's hair, his balance betraying him.
“Let me sit down,” Colin implored breathily. “I like what you're doing, but I don't want to fall over on you.”
Jared slid his mouth off and drew back. He was gazing up at Colin, licking his lips, sucking the lower one into his mouth. Colin stepped out of his shorts still puddled around his feet and moved back to the bed. He sat down heavily, gazing at Jared.
Jared didn't get up, just crawled forward on the rug, slinking toward him in the half-light. The sight made Colin's cock twitch.
“Christ I've missed you,” Colin whispered
“I can tell,” Jared's hand slid around his cock again, squeezing.
Jared went back to work on him, swallowing him, bobbing his head slowly, letting him feel it. His fingers flexed on Colin's sweaty thighs, soft sounds issuing from his throat and vibrating along Colin's cock. Colin threaded his fingers in his hair again and leaned back, resting on his other hand. His toes curled against the rough weave of the rug. He told himself not to come, not yet.
Colin slid his hand out of Jared's hair and down to his face, finding it a strange time to be overcome with emotion, but he was. His fingers traced his jaw, feeling the prickly layer of stubble there, then up over his cheek, which he could feel flexing with his movements. The pleasure pouring through him was so vibrant, so consuming. Colin wanted to pull him up and cradle his face and kiss him over and over.
“Don't do that all night,” Colin whispered. “I want more than that.” He also wanted him to stop before it ended too quickly.
Jared bobbed his head a few more times, then slid his mouth off, wrapping his fingers around the base. He looked up at Colin, then ran his tongue slowly along the length of his shaft, all the way to the head, where he gave a slow, swirling lick, and then a parting suck. All this he did without breaking eye contact. Colin thought for a second he was just going to burst into a rather unmanly display of tears.
“Jared…” he was trembling, touching his hair again, his shoulders, his face. Jared nuzzled against his palm.
“I'm here,” he whispered, and moved up Colin's body.
On the bed, entangled, sweaty skin on sweaty skin, Colin could find no more words. He wanted to touch every part of Jared at once, his leg wrapped around his, hands everywhere, mouth on his face and neck. Jared's breathing was soft and quick, the way he squirmed against Colin demanding and possessive at the same time, as if he was trying to rub the very essence of himself all over him.
Colin adjusted his hips, gripped with need, and ground his cock against Jared's. Jared made a soft sound and pushed back. Colin rubbed, seeking sensation, wanting the heat that was the only thing that could melt the frost of eight months inside him.
“Have you been careful?” Jared asked. Colin was licking at his chin, tongue dragging across the stubble there, then at his lips, tasting his own musky flavor on them. “I have some condoms,” Jared murmured.
“I have, if you trust me,” Colin murmured back. “Have you?”
There was a moment of hesitation, which sparked a faint glimmer of worry in Colin's chest. Colin drew back, looking at him. Then Jared said softly, “I haven't slept with anyone since you.”
Colin was stunned. He stared at him for a moment. “But you…we agreed…”
“I know,” Jared reached out and caressed his cheek. It was so hot, around them and between them, their breathing quick in the sweltering darkness. “And I'm not mad that you did. I just chose not to.”
Colin thought for a moment he was pulling his leg, but he was serious. He was gazing at Colin, his face half in shadow, but his eyes visible and sincere.
“But it's been eight months!” Colin said in disbelief.
Jared gave a soft snort. “Contrary to what you think Colin, people can go without sex for a long time and not die.”
Colin didn't know what to say. This revelation stunned him, flattened him in fact. He thought about the times he had emailed Jared, or told him on the phone that he had slept with someone. He never kept it from him. Looking back, Jared had indeed never told him anything about his own sexual encounters. Colin had assumed he just wanted to keep it to himself.
“Christ, I feel like the biggest asshole in the world now,” Colin said, sagging against the bed. His arousal dwindled.
Jared propped himself up on his elbow. He leaned over Colin, touching his fingers to his lips, and whispered, “Colin, do you love me?”
It was a word Colin had become comfortable with, typing it at the end of emails, saying it just before he got off the phone. He'd said it and wrote it so many times now it was almost hollow. Now the feeling behind it came rushing back. “Yes, I do,” he whispered.
“Did you love any of those women you slept with?”
Colin swallowed. “No, not even close.”
“That's all I need from you,” Jared stroked his thumb along the corner of his mouth. “That's all.”
“But what does that say about how you feel, compared to me? That you didn't touch another person the entire time?”
“Everyone loves in their own way,” Jared lowered his face, brushing his lips against Colin's. “That doesn't make yours any less. The fact that you're upset about it speaks volumes.”
“Jared…”
“Are you going to let this come between us after eight months of being apart?” Jared said softly. Colin gazed up at him, and Jared smiled gently, reassuringly.
Colin drew him close, their skin sliding together, arousal flaring again at the contact. Colin knew this was all he wanted, all he needed. Nothing else mattered.
“Nothing is going to come between us tonight.”
The intensity was all consuming, stilling the air around them, filling the room, filling them. All Colin knew was the feel of Jared's body. Everything else in the world fell away as his focus narrowed and sharpened. Jared crawled on top of him, their hips grinding together, Jared's mouth on his. Colin sucked at his tongue and ran his fingers along his ribs, feeling the hard ridges beneath the slick skin.
“We need something,” Colin murmured, still trying to kiss at Jared's mouth as he drew it away. “I don't have…I haven't…”
“I have some oil in my bag,” Jared said. “I'll get it.”
“Hopeful, were you?” Colin smiled as he crawled off the bed. Colin watched him move in the light from the windows, slipping through the shadows of his room as he often did through his dreams.
“More than hopeful,” Jared disappeared into the hallway, where his bag was still sitting on the floor. His voice drifted back. “Positive.”
He returned with a bottle of something, a faint sloshing sound issuing from it as he crawled back on the bed. Colin reached for it, his thumb sliding over the lid to see how it opened. It had a flip-top.
“I need a little preparation,” Jared said softly. “I'm out of practice.”
Colin swallowed hard, thinking of what Jared had done—or hadn't done, rather. To think there were nights he had wondered if Jared even thought about him when they weren't actually talking. The kind of devotion he had displayed was not something Colin deserved. But then, Colin didn't think he deserved most of what Jared saw fit to give him.
The oil gave off a faint greasy smell as Colin coated two of his fingers with it. He found Jared hot and tight inside, just the way he remembered. Colin kissed at the back of his neck, tasting the tangy salt of his sweat and listening to his soft gasps against the pillow. After a time Colin slid his fingers out and added more oil, wanting to make sure he was nice and slick and perfectly comfortable.
“I missed that,” Jared sighed. Colin could vaguely make out his profile against the pillowcase. “Oh,” he gasped, a little shudder going through him as Colin reinserted his fingers. He lifted his hips from the bed.
Colin prepared him on his stomach, but he didn't want him face down for the actual sex. Jared rolled over and drew his knees up, his feet finding purchase above Colin's hipbones. He took the oil and slicked Colin's cock slowly, hand over hand. Colin shuddered and twitched, holding himself up on his arms. The scents of oil and musk and sweat filled the air between them.
Jared was gazing up at him, eyelids heavy and his eyes dark behind them. Colin leaned down and kissed him passionately. Jared released him, tilting his hips up.
“I'm ready,” Jared whispered.
Colin thought he would die sliding into him. He'd almost forgotten the sensation, and having it back was overwhelming. He gritted his teeth, trying to keep from crying out. Jared held his breath, finally letting out a long, low moan when Colin pushed past the resistance and sunk into him.
“God,” Jared whispered, squirming beneath him. He gave a soft hiss. “Ah…”
“Does it hurt?” Colin whispered back, holding still. He was trying to stop the trembling that was already taking over his body.
“Just a little,” Jared murmured. “I'll be all right. Go on.”
It took a little adjusting, a few tentative thrusts, but they found a comfortable position for both of them. Colin lowered himself onto him as much as he could, elbows on the bed, and found a rhythm. Jared's legs were wrapped around his back, his heels digging into the base of Colin's spine. It was hard to keep them there since they were both so sweaty, but it worked.
It was slow at first, intense, hot. Colin was in no hurry. He wanted to feel Jared for as long as he could, inside and outside, clinging to him, enclosing him. Jared's breathing was shallow and quick, punctuated by soft moans against Colin's ear. Colin was making sounds too, little grunts and moans, his lips brushing Jared's face and neck. Occasionally he would lick or kiss, but mostly he was content to just breathe him in—that lovely, unique smell that was Jared. He had missed it so much. Being flooded with it now made his eyes burn with tears. He had to squeeze them shut to keep them from falling.
Colin's arousal was so very high and keen, but not driving yet. He rode it out for as long as he could, taking it slow, making love to Jared. At one point he actually stopped, just holding inside him and feeling. Colin was trembling. Jared's hands moved lazily over his back and shoulders.
“I love that,” Jared whispered, his breath tickling Colin's ear. “When you get like this, when you can't stop shaking.”
Colin had hated it once upon a time, but now he didn't mind so much. He dropped his forehead against Jared's sweaty shoulder and tried to calm himself, but it was no use. His body was starting to want more, encouraging him to move again.
Jared lifted his hips. “Fuck me now Colin,” he whispered. “It's been too long.”
Colin gladly obliged, kissing Jared hard, his hands tightening on his shoulders where he was gripping them. The rhythm built and built until Colin was pounding into him, fucking him into the bed, slamming the headboard against the wall. Jared was giving high, whimpering moans into his mouth, Colin sucking hard at his tongue and moaning in return. Jared's nails dug into his back, his heels pushing down hard, forcing him in as deep as he could get.
It didn't take Colin long to come like that, which was why he hadn't done it in the first place. Jared stroked his face and moaned softly as Colin shuddered, convulsing almost, flooding into him with a blinding rush of pleasure. He tried to hold back from being too loud, but finally gave a harsh, strangled shout.
“Colin,” Jared moaned, wrapping his arms around him. Colin was trembling violently, the spasms in his lower body gradually tapering off. He'd bitten so hard into his lower lip that it was throbbing.
Colin drew away from him, both of them soaked with sweat and burning hot. Colin intended to go turn on the air conditioner, but not just yet. Jared groaned as Colin slid out of him, then he moved down Jared's body, licking at the sweat as went. Jared hadn't come yet.
Jared gasped, gripping Colin's hair as he slid his mouth over him. He was hot and musky and tangy, his thickness delightful in Colin's mouth. Gripping Jared's hips, he started to bob his head, quick and insistent. Jared writhed and pulled at his hair and cried out. It didn't take long.
“Colin!” Jared's voice was breathy and desperate. Colin felt his feet pushing against his sides. “Oh God! Coming!”
He came rather violently, writhing and jerking, and copiously enough that Colin had to pull off before he finished because he was in danger of choking. What resulted was a rather ungraceful shot to the face before Colin had the presence of mind to cup his hand over the head. Not everything could be perfect.
Afterwards, Colin chuckled, sitting next to Jared and cleaning his face off with his fingers.
“I think you got some in my hair.”
“Sorry,” Jared mumbled, sounding anything but apologetic.
Colin sucked his fingers clean, liking the way Jared tasted, almost having forgotten how delicious he was. He flopped on the bed and they lay side by side in the sweltering darkness, panting.
“Christ, don't you have an air conditioner?” Jared asked.
“I do,” Colin said. “I'll turn it on.”
“Conserving energy or something? Or are you practicing living in the time period of that movie you're working on? Should I put on a wig and let you call me Pocahontas?”
“God I've missed you,” Colin grinned.
Just then there was a sound—a cranky, plaintive little wail. Jared sat up on his elbows, so fast that Colin laughed. Jared looked toward the doorway in alarm. “What the…?”
“James is here,” Colin said. He sat up and crawled off the bed. “He's staying till the end of the week. All your yelling probably woke him up.” Colin tried to find his shorts in the dark, James' whimpers becoming full-fledged crying. “I'm coming, I'm coming!”
“My yelling?” Jared scoffed. “Why didn't you tell me he was here?”
Colin found his shorts at the bottom of the bed and started tugging them on. “The right moment didn't arise. I didn't exactly want to bring my son up while I had my cock in you.”
Colin padded out to the kitchen, got a bottle out of the refrigerator, and warmed it up in the microwave. James yowled angrily while Colin did this, apparently not moving fast enough for him. Just after the microwave beeped, the crying stopped, and Colin wondered if he'd gone back to sleep.
Heading back down the hallway though, he saw the light in his room was on. As he came around the corner he saw Jared leaning over his crib, wearing just his underwear, busy changing his diaper.
Colin went over to the crib, frowning, holding the bottle. “Where did you learn to do that?”
Jared smiled up at him. His face was flushed, his hair tousled. “Shannon's girlfriend has a baby,” he looked back down at James, fastening the tabs on his fresh diaper. “Not Shannon's. But she brings her around. She taught me how.”
Colin couldn't help but smile. James saw the bottle in Colin's hand and gave an angry shout, reaching for it. Colin handed it over. “You better be good, Jared's nice enough to change your manky little nappy for you!”
James, who had popped the bottle into his mouth, took it back out. “Bye-bye,” he said to Jared, then resumed sucking.
Jared chuckled. “Aw, that's cute. And here I figured his first word would be ‘whisky.'” Jared was smiling down at him. Colin, however, was standing there with a lump in his throat.
“Here,” Jared plopped the soggy, rolled up diaper into Colin's hand. Colin made a face. “You can dispose of it.”
“Thanks a lot.”
With James taken care of and drifting back to sleep, Colin went and cleaned up, turned on the air conditioner, and waited in bed while Jared cleaned up. When he came back and crawled in beside Colin, Colin turned on his side and slipped an arm around him.
“So, happy to see me?” Jared said softly.
“What do you think?” Colin stroked Jared's hair away from his forehead. “How long are you staying?”
“A week,” Jared smiled. “You would have known that if you'd read the email.”
“I'm tried of emails. I want you back in my life.”
“I will be,” Jared said, gazing into his eyes. “From now on, we're going to make an effort. We're going to see each other at least once a month, even if it's only for a day or two. They make planes that go in all directions, after all. I don't know why we've been so ignorant.”
“Maybe we had to know.”
“Know?” Jared lifted his head a little, cocking an eyebrow.
“If we were strong enough. To last.” Colin gazed steadily at him.
Jared laid his head back down on the pillow, smiling softly. “I think it was a success.”
THE END
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MOROCCO AND MANGOES CHAPTER 23
Full Circle
The wrap party Oliver threw for the end of filming made the one in Thailand look like a slumber party. Cast who had previously left came back for it, and Oliver actually rented a castle for the festivities—Chillingham Castle, in Northumberland. It was a beautiful, hulking white stone structure situated in the middle of a rolling countryside, and Oliver had spared no expense on the grand banquet hall, where the party was held. It was decorated so lavishly one would have thought Alexander the Great really was coming for a visit.
For one last joke, the primary cast arrived dressed in each other's costumes. Colin was Phillip, and he had a new respect for Val, having to wear the prosthetic over his eye. It made him off balance and he was constantly walking into things. To everyone's delight and Colin's vaguely horrified amusement, Jared arrived dressed as Olympias.
He even had falsies on, and the hairdressers had curled his hair and piled it on top his head. Angelina nearly laughed herself sick—she was dressed as Cleitus—and many pictures were taken.
Of course there had to be some fooling around before they went to change into their regular clothes for the rest of the party. Colin ran over and yanked Jared's dress up in front of everyone, hoping he had worn something silly and girly beneath it. He was wearing boxers however, and Colin gave him a hard time about it.
“Heathen!” Jared screeched at him in a bad imitation of Olympias' accent. “In my womb I will carry my avenger!” He shook his fist at Colin and there was uproarious laughter.
Before they were allowed to go change, it was insisted that ‘Olympias' and ‘Phillip' have a dance.
“You're scaring the hell out of me,” Colin chuckled in Jared's ear as they waltzed dramatically around the floor. “I never knew you made such an attractive woman.”
Jared smirked. His lips were painted deep red and looked incredibly full and kissable. “You're crushing my boobs. Can't you hear them crinkling?”
They were finally spared from providing further entertainment and allowed to go change. Colin went first to have his makeup removed, then changed out of his costume. He noted with some sadness that it was the last time he would take off a costume for this movie.
His extensions had already been cut out and his hair restored to its former brunette glory, and he took a few minutes in front of the mirror to style and admire it. He looked like himself again, and as silly as it was, he was secretly glad that Jared had gotten to see the real him. He didn't know why that was important, but it was. They had exchanged locks of hair for their medallions, and Colin had insisted it wait until his hair was dyed back to its original color.
Colin changed into dress slacks and a white button-down shirt, putting on a black jacket over it. Dressy, but not too dressy. Adding a few bracelets and necklaces and satisfied that he was presentable, he returned to the party. He grabbed a drink and found Val among the crowd of people.
“You know, this place is haunted,” Val said around a mouthful of chicken. He was holding a gaudy gold plate filled with food.
“Of course it is,” Colin scoffed. He was watching the doors for Jared to return. “Aren't all castles?”
“You sure you wanna stay here tonight?” Val gave him a wary look. Colin couldn't tell if he was kidding or not. “Most haunted castle in England, after all.”
“I think I'll risk it.” Colin looked toward the front of the room. Oliver was stepping up on the little stage they'd constructed, which was adorned with banners that, once again, depicted the primary cast. Colin was never going to get used to seeing ten-foot tall pictures of himself, no matter how famous he got.
Oliver started to speak, thanking everyone for coming, but just then Jared walked in and his voice faded into the background.
Jared was now in black dress slacks and a rather clingy, tight, dark blue shirt. It made his body look incredible, slender and muscular and in perfect proportion. He was also wearing clunky, half-unlaced boots, but that was Jared. The curls had been brushed out of his hair so there was an impressive—and gorgeous—amount of wave to it. His makeup had been cleaned off, even that pretty red lipstick.
Colin watched him make his way through the crowd as Oliver talked, Jared's gaze darting around the room. Colin wondered if he was looking for him. Only a small sense of remaining dignity kept Colin from jumping up and down and waving his arms to get his attention.
Jared finally spotted him and smiled, making his way over. He had been looking for him.
“He's already started talking?” Jared whispered as he stopped at Colin's side. “This is going to go on all night, isn't it?”
“As much as he talks he has to start early,” Colin whispered back. He handed Jared his drink, which he'd only taken one small sip from. “Here, I'll get another.”
If Colin thought he had been paraded out for pictures and hobnobbing before, it was nothing compared to what he had to endure this time around. It seemed like everyone in the room had to get up and make a speech, most of which involved bringing Colin up on the stage. There was laughter, and sniffling, and flashbulbs galore. A few members of the press had been invited and they hovered around the stage, taking pictures of everything.
Jared declined to give a speech, but Colin had to. He was the last to go up, to a thunderous round of applause and cheers. He wasn't going to let Jared get away without some suffering though, and cajoled him up on the stage with him. Jared smiled and came up, but shot Colin a look that said ‘I'll kill you later when there's no witnesses.'
Colin gave a nicely prepared speech about how much he had enjoyed doing the movie, working with Oliver, and kudos to all of his cast mates. He made a few jokes, got slightly sentimental, and finally raised a rousing toast to Oliver. Oliver was half lit by that time and nearly spilled his drink when he lifted his glass in acceptance. With all that out of the way, Colin looked over at Jared, who had been smiling dutifully and adding a few words here and there to bolster Colin's jokes.
“But most of all, I want to thank this man standing here beside me,” Colin laid his hand on Jared's shoulder. Jared looked over at him, a slightly startled expression on his face. “He kept me sane through all those days in that bitch of a desert, and in that bloody hot, stinking jungle.” The crowd laughed. “And he kept my perspective in front of me when it wanted to wander off course. He taught me a lot about myself and never gave up on me, even though I was a right bastard at times.” Colin smiled softly at Jared, whose eyes were slowly widening. “I think, above and beyond anything else, that's the effect Hephaistion most had on Alexander's life. And I just want to thank him for being the man he didn't have to be.”
The crowd ‘awwed' and clapped, and Colin pulled Jared into his arms, hugging him. He felt Jared's fingers tighten on his shoulders, his body trembling against his. Colin kissed his cheek discreetly before pulling away.
“Now let's have a party!” Colin said. “No more fucking speeches, Oliver!”
The crowd laughed and cheered, and Oliver raised his glass again with a grin.
Coming down off the stage, Colin felt Jared's fingers brush against his. Colin glanced back at him as they moved in opposite directions to talk to people, and Jared's eyes were bright.
Francisco, having left a week before, was back for the party. Colin found him and they hugged in greeting. He looked good. His smile was even wider than the last time Colin had seen him.
“How are you doing?” Colin asked him, speaking loudly to be heard over the voices and the music that was now playing.
“I'm all right,” he gave Colin a little smile, pushing a strand of hair back behind his ear. “It's a process. But it's coming along. Talking to your brother has helped.”
Eamon wasn't able to be there for the party, but he was coming down the next day to stay with Colin until he left. Colin was going home for a few days, then he was headed to South Africa.
“I'm glad,” Colin said. “Eamon's a good guy.”
“Yes, he is.” Francisco smiled and took a sip of his drink. Then he paused—froze really—and Colin followed his line of sight, looking around behind him.
Jonathan was standing nearby, alone, watching them. He looked wary. He was holding a bottle of beer and biting at his lower lip. Colin turned back to Francisco.
“Don't make any decisions right now,” Colin said, close to his ear. “You don't have to. Take care of you first, before you decide what role anyone else is going to play in your life.”
Francisco nodded, still staring at Jonathan. Colin could feel the tension hanging between them, creeping over his own skin, and he decided to leave them alone to talk and went to find Jared.
“That's a really awkward situation,” Jared said, after Colin told him. “But you were right to tell Francisco that.”
“Yeah,” Colin flexed his fingers around his glass, looking around. He was getting tired of the crowd. “Whether it ends up being Eamon, Jonathan, or whoever, I think Francisco needs to figure himself out before he tries to figure anyone else out.”
Jared smiled at him, eyes sparkling. “You know, you keep this up and you might turn out to be a decent human being. Are you sure you want that sort of reputation?”
Colin smirked. “You're right, it's time to drink some more and make an arse out of myself. Maybe I can break something if I try.”
“Why don't you meet me at the top of those stairs in fifteen minutes?” Jared pointed toward a set of stone stairs at the back of the hall that disappeared into a high, dark stairwell. “I've figured out some of the layout of this place.”
Colin made sure not to get entangled in any conversations so he could escape, and even got up there a bit early. The stairs led to a shadowy corridor where a few electric lights had been rigged on cords that ran along the tops of the walls. It was mostly quiet, but there were a few people up there, mostly making out in the little alcoves that lined the walls. Colin lit up a cigarette, trying to be discreet while he waited. Somewhere down the hall, there was the soft sound of female laughter.
Jared arrived a few minutes later, and after a quick look around grabbed Colin's hand and led him down the corridor to another set of stairs, both of them glancing over their shoulders as they went. “Where are we going?” Colin whispered as they started up them.
“I found another way up to the rooms,” Jared whispered back. “Come on.”
It was slow going because it was dark, only a few windows here and there letting in light from outside. The night was moonless but the courtyards outside were all lit up for the party. At the top of the stairs Jared led him through a door and into another corridor, which had no lights like the one below.
“This place is haunted, you know,” Colin whispered, reaching out and finding Jared's waist in the darkness, slipping his arm around it. They were more or less feeling their way along, and Colin felt Jared's breath on his cheek as he turned his face toward him.
“Oh no,” Jared gasped in mock terror. “Hold me!”
Colin did more than hold him. He pressed him up against the stone wall of the corridor and they made out like teenagers, sucking hungrily at each other's mouths, hands everywhere, over and under each other's clothes, in each other's hair. Jared was warm and pliant against him, his scent perfuming the darkness.
“Where are the rooms at?” Colin growled against his lips. “Before I'm too fucking hard to walk.”
“This way,” Jared wiggled away from him, grabbing his hand. “Watch out for the ghosts.”
Jared did indeed get them to the part of the castle where their rooms were, through some twists and turns and another set of stairs. It felt surreal, running through an ancient castle in the darkness, lost and trusting Jared's judgment, their laughter echoing on the stones and down the corridors. Colin found it hard to believe there was a world beyond this one, and it would soon be sucking him back into its chaos.
They went to Jared's room, which was huge, a contrast in old and new. The stone walls, arched ceilings, and narrow windows were the original structure of the castle, except there was now glass in the windows. There was a huge fireplace in the main room and the floors were bare stone with enormous throw rugs over them. The décor was lavish and proper for a castle, but there was also a television, radio, lamps, and all sorts of modern amenities around. It was a strangely absurd sight.
“The bedroom's in here…” Jared was dragging him toward a wooden door on the other side of the room. “Wait till you see this.”
The bedroom was nearly as big as the main room, with a huge canopied bed draped with red curtains sitting right in the middle. There was another fireplace in the room, which had been lit by the service staff. It was warm.
“Nice,” Colin looked around. There was a huge mirror on the wall opposite the bed, reflecting the firelight into the room and giving everything a soft yellow glow. “My room is pretty much like this, actually.”
Jared smiled, kicking his boots off at the foot of the bed. “I really feel like Hephaistion now. King for a night.”
“Alexander was the king,” Colin pointed out.
“Well then,” Jared sat down on the end of the bed, giving a delighted sigh and running his fingers over the gold coverlet on it. “A queen, then.” He gave Colin a coy smile.
“I think after your outfit earlier we can go with that.”
The bed was soft and had layers upon layers of blankets and sheets, some silk, some flannel. It was like being wrapped up in a big, cozy nest, and they didn't need their clothes—not that they would have kept them on anyway. The touch of Jared's skin was even softer than the sheets, pressed against Colin's in the warmth beneath the covers.
“Two more days,” Jared said softly, gazing into Colin's eyes. The firelight was glowing in Jared's, making their blue depths amber. “You'll come to the airport with me, won't you?”
“Yes,” Colin said. He reached out and smoothed Jared's hair back from his face. “I'll hate it, but I will.”
Jared was going back to the U.S. for a while, until he decided on a project. He needed to go home as much as Colin had before he went to Ireland, and Colin didn't begrudge him it. It wasn't as if Colin wasn't about to be busy with something else very soon anyway. There would be visits, and phone calls, and for right now that would have to be enough.
“We won't grow apart, will we?” Jared asked softly. He found Colin's hand under the covers and laced his fingers with his. “Tell me we won't.”
“You know I can't promise that,” Colin squeezed his hand. “You know how life is. But we'll try. We'll try damn hard.”
Jared nodded, for he knew it as well as Colin did. Colin leaned in and captured his lips, just wanting to feel him for as long as he could. If all they had left was this night in this bed by the glow of the fire, in this ancient castle with its supposed ghosts, then he was going to wring every ounce from it and drink it down. He would keep the taste on his tongue and that would sustain him. At least for a while.
Jared drew back, smiling at him. “You're something remarkable, you know that?”
“I'm glad you thought so,” Colin smiled back at him.
So came an end, and a beginning. The circle had turned, and they were back in a huge bed, looking into each other's eyes and smiling, only this time they were different people, and they were each other's.
*****
The next few days Colin practically lived at the airport, seeing various people off. It was by far not the last time they would see each other—there were premieres and press conferences and promotions in the future, though they might be a year or more away. Still, it seemed every hug and sniffle made Colin a little more wistful, and every goodbye wave was a little harder to do. He had been through this before, many times, but this time it felt sharper for some reason. His pockets were full of bits of paper with phone numbers and addresses on them.
Francisco left the day after the party, and since Eamon was there he went with them to the airport. Jonathan had come along too, and it seemed he and Francisco were at least getting along.
“That's my cell phone, my home phone, and my email address,” Francisco was telling Colin, pointing them out on the little piece of paper he'd given him. “As soon as you get to South Africa, let me know how things are going.” He smiled fondly.
Colin gave him a long hug at the security gate, and then Eamon gave him one, which lasted even longer. Jonathan watched silently, his hands pushed into his pockets. He had barely spoken on the ride there.
“I'll see you soon,” Eamon stepped back from Francisco, smiling. “Maybe as soon as the holidays.”
It was early December now, and from what Eamon had said, Francisco was considering coming to Ireland for Christmas. Colin was hoping he could make it too, but he didn't know his shooting schedule yet.
Francisco nodded, his eyes a little bright. “Yes, I'll call you when I get home.” He turned to Jonathan then, drawing a deep breath.
They shared a hug longer than any of the others, and Jonathan was whispering something in Francisco's ear, Francisco nodding gently. Whatever it was, Jonathan wiped at his eyes when he pulled away. Francisco looked down, sniffing softly. Colin and Eamon exchanged a glance. Jonathan, after all, was from Ireland too, and Colin couldn't help but wonder if Francisco would be dividing up his visit. It was still an awkward situation, but at least Francisco seemed to be pulling himself together. He gave them a big smile as he went through the security gate, waving.
Inevitably came the hardest of all the departures for Colin.
Eamon drove Colin and Jared to the airport, Jared's suitcases in the trunk and his duffel bag sitting beside him on the backseat. Colin was sitting in the back with him and they were holding hands. Clutching hands, actually. So hard that Colin's fingers hurt.
Despite all their promises to keep in touch and see each other as much as they could, Colin couldn't help but wonder if this was really the last time they would see each other. Long distance relationships were the norm in this business, but failed in as great a quantity as they occurred. Soon Colin would be in another place with new friends and having new experiences, and the last three months would fade. He knew this, because that was how it always happened. Relationships were forgotten, feelings dulled. It was simply how things were.
They didn't speak much on the drive, but kept looking at each other. Colin's throat felt tight, his chest hurting. Their clasped hands were trembling.
Walking through the airport, Colin's legs felt like lead. He and Eamon helped Jared carry his bags to the check-in desk. Jared chuckled at his passport as he tucked it away. “This thing's got so many new stamps on it. I feel so worldly.”
They made their way to the security gate and stood off to the side. Jared checked his watch. “I should probably get to my gate soon.”
Jared looked up at Colin and Eamon, who were standing side by side, both with their hands in their pockets, gazing at him glumly. Colin took Jared in one last time. Jeans, faded gray t-shirt, his suede coat, his hair lying softly on his shoulders—he hadn't cut it yet. His beautiful blue eyes gleamed in the fluorescent lights.
“God, look at you guys,” Jared came forward, holding his arms out to both of them. “Who kicked your puppies?”
They both embraced him, snuggling him tight, Eamon burying his face against his shoulder and Colin pushing his nose into his hair, breathing him in one last time. Jared stroked their hair and chuckled softly. “Big babies.” When he drew back though, his eyes were bright and he sniffed.
Eamon was never one to suck it up and hide his emotions, and tears were streaking down his face. He wiped at them, sniffling. Colin blinked hard to keep his in check and Jared smiled softly at him. “I promise, this is not the last time you guys will see me. I'm like an infectious disease, I keep coming back.”
Eamon gave a harsh, wet laugh, and Jared hugged him again.
“You take care of yourself,” Eamon said softly, in a choked voice. He patted Jared's back and hair. “And you better keep in touch with me.”
“I will,” Jared drew back, smiling and stroking his hair. “Take care of Colin, all right? He's not as tough as he acts.”
“Oh I know that,” Eamon wiped at his eyes again with a shaky hand. “I know that.”
Jared turned to Colin and took both of his hands, clasping them. Colin drew a shaky breath, gazing at him.
“You have all my contact information,” Jared said.
Colin nodded, “Yes.” He bit his lower lip, trying to keep it from quivering. Jared had given him every possible way to get in touch with him—address, email, cell phone, land line, even Shannon's number and his mother's.
Jared moved in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. He whispered, “I love you.”
Colin gave him a gentle nuzzle and choked out, “I love you too.”
Jared pulling his hands slowly away from Colin's was like someone had inserted a hook in his guts and was slowly dragging them out. Jared gathered up his duffel bag and started to turn, then he stopped and looked back at Colin.
“Oh. I forgot to tell you. I took a project.”
Colin wiped quickly at his eyes and sniffed. “Oh? Did you?” He was trembling.
“Yes,” Jared smiled. “It's this project tentatively titled Lord of War. Sounds interesting, doesn't it?”
Colin nodded. “You'll have to tell me how it goes.”
“I will,” Jared adjusted the bag on his shoulder and smiled again. “It's filming in South Africa. So I figure I can just pop over and let you know.”
Colin thought he'd heard him wrong at first, but after staring at him for a stunned moment, Jared smiled wider and nodded. Colin laughed.
“I guess we will be seeing each other again then,” Eamon slid his arm around Colin's shoulders, grinning as well. “When I come down to visit Colin.”
Colin went over and pulled Jared into his arms. They clung to each other desperately, arms locked tight around each other. Jared whispered against his ear, “I'll see you soon.”
Colin didn't want to let him go, but this time it was easier, after hearing such news. As Colin watched him walk toward the security gate, he remembered something.
“Oh! Jared!” He quickly pushed his hand into his coat pocket.
Jared turned and looked back. Colin drew out a key and tossed it to him. Jared caught it, looked down at it, then looked back up at Colin, smiling.
“Anytime you want,” Colin said softly. Jared tucked it into his pocket, gazing at Colin.
“Come on,” Eamon said softly, his arm around Colin's shoulders again. “It's better if you don't watch him leave.”
“He's not going anywhere,” Colin said softly, walking slowly backwards as Eamon tugged him along. He put his hand over his heart, still gazing at Jared standing in line, gazing back at him. “He's right here.”
Jared put his hand over his heart as well, smiling.
THE END
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The wrap party Oliver threw for the end of filming made the one in Thailand look like a slumber party. Cast who had previously left came back for it, and Oliver actually rented a castle for the festivities—Chillingham Castle, in Northumberland. It was a beautiful, hulking white stone structure situated in the middle of a rolling countryside, and Oliver had spared no expense on the grand banquet hall, where the party was held. It was decorated so lavishly one would have thought Alexander the Great really was coming for a visit.
For one last joke, the primary cast arrived dressed in each other's costumes. Colin was Phillip, and he had a new respect for Val, having to wear the prosthetic over his eye. It made him off balance and he was constantly walking into things. To everyone's delight and Colin's vaguely horrified amusement, Jared arrived dressed as Olympias.
He even had falsies on, and the hairdressers had curled his hair and piled it on top his head. Angelina nearly laughed herself sick—she was dressed as Cleitus—and many pictures were taken.
Of course there had to be some fooling around before they went to change into their regular clothes for the rest of the party. Colin ran over and yanked Jared's dress up in front of everyone, hoping he had worn something silly and girly beneath it. He was wearing boxers however, and Colin gave him a hard time about it.
“Heathen!” Jared screeched at him in a bad imitation of Olympias' accent. “In my womb I will carry my avenger!” He shook his fist at Colin and there was uproarious laughter.
Before they were allowed to go change, it was insisted that ‘Olympias' and ‘Phillip' have a dance.
“You're scaring the hell out of me,” Colin chuckled in Jared's ear as they waltzed dramatically around the floor. “I never knew you made such an attractive woman.”
Jared smirked. His lips were painted deep red and looked incredibly full and kissable. “You're crushing my boobs. Can't you hear them crinkling?”
They were finally spared from providing further entertainment and allowed to go change. Colin went first to have his makeup removed, then changed out of his costume. He noted with some sadness that it was the last time he would take off a costume for this movie.
His extensions had already been cut out and his hair restored to its former brunette glory, and he took a few minutes in front of the mirror to style and admire it. He looked like himself again, and as silly as it was, he was secretly glad that Jared had gotten to see the real him. He didn't know why that was important, but it was. They had exchanged locks of hair for their medallions, and Colin had insisted it wait until his hair was dyed back to its original color.
Colin changed into dress slacks and a white button-down shirt, putting on a black jacket over it. Dressy, but not too dressy. Adding a few bracelets and necklaces and satisfied that he was presentable, he returned to the party. He grabbed a drink and found Val among the crowd of people.
“You know, this place is haunted,” Val said around a mouthful of chicken. He was holding a gaudy gold plate filled with food.
“Of course it is,” Colin scoffed. He was watching the doors for Jared to return. “Aren't all castles?”
“You sure you wanna stay here tonight?” Val gave him a wary look. Colin couldn't tell if he was kidding or not. “Most haunted castle in England, after all.”
“I think I'll risk it.” Colin looked toward the front of the room. Oliver was stepping up on the little stage they'd constructed, which was adorned with banners that, once again, depicted the primary cast. Colin was never going to get used to seeing ten-foot tall pictures of himself, no matter how famous he got.
Oliver started to speak, thanking everyone for coming, but just then Jared walked in and his voice faded into the background.
Jared was now in black dress slacks and a rather clingy, tight, dark blue shirt. It made his body look incredible, slender and muscular and in perfect proportion. He was also wearing clunky, half-unlaced boots, but that was Jared. The curls had been brushed out of his hair so there was an impressive—and gorgeous—amount of wave to it. His makeup had been cleaned off, even that pretty red lipstick.
Colin watched him make his way through the crowd as Oliver talked, Jared's gaze darting around the room. Colin wondered if he was looking for him. Only a small sense of remaining dignity kept Colin from jumping up and down and waving his arms to get his attention.
Jared finally spotted him and smiled, making his way over. He had been looking for him.
“He's already started talking?” Jared whispered as he stopped at Colin's side. “This is going to go on all night, isn't it?”
“As much as he talks he has to start early,” Colin whispered back. He handed Jared his drink, which he'd only taken one small sip from. “Here, I'll get another.”
If Colin thought he had been paraded out for pictures and hobnobbing before, it was nothing compared to what he had to endure this time around. It seemed like everyone in the room had to get up and make a speech, most of which involved bringing Colin up on the stage. There was laughter, and sniffling, and flashbulbs galore. A few members of the press had been invited and they hovered around the stage, taking pictures of everything.
Jared declined to give a speech, but Colin had to. He was the last to go up, to a thunderous round of applause and cheers. He wasn't going to let Jared get away without some suffering though, and cajoled him up on the stage with him. Jared smiled and came up, but shot Colin a look that said ‘I'll kill you later when there's no witnesses.'
Colin gave a nicely prepared speech about how much he had enjoyed doing the movie, working with Oliver, and kudos to all of his cast mates. He made a few jokes, got slightly sentimental, and finally raised a rousing toast to Oliver. Oliver was half lit by that time and nearly spilled his drink when he lifted his glass in acceptance. With all that out of the way, Colin looked over at Jared, who had been smiling dutifully and adding a few words here and there to bolster Colin's jokes.
“But most of all, I want to thank this man standing here beside me,” Colin laid his hand on Jared's shoulder. Jared looked over at him, a slightly startled expression on his face. “He kept me sane through all those days in that bitch of a desert, and in that bloody hot, stinking jungle.” The crowd laughed. “And he kept my perspective in front of me when it wanted to wander off course. He taught me a lot about myself and never gave up on me, even though I was a right bastard at times.” Colin smiled softly at Jared, whose eyes were slowly widening. “I think, above and beyond anything else, that's the effect Hephaistion most had on Alexander's life. And I just want to thank him for being the man he didn't have to be.”
The crowd ‘awwed' and clapped, and Colin pulled Jared into his arms, hugging him. He felt Jared's fingers tighten on his shoulders, his body trembling against his. Colin kissed his cheek discreetly before pulling away.
“Now let's have a party!” Colin said. “No more fucking speeches, Oliver!”
The crowd laughed and cheered, and Oliver raised his glass again with a grin.
Coming down off the stage, Colin felt Jared's fingers brush against his. Colin glanced back at him as they moved in opposite directions to talk to people, and Jared's eyes were bright.
Francisco, having left a week before, was back for the party. Colin found him and they hugged in greeting. He looked good. His smile was even wider than the last time Colin had seen him.
“How are you doing?” Colin asked him, speaking loudly to be heard over the voices and the music that was now playing.
“I'm all right,” he gave Colin a little smile, pushing a strand of hair back behind his ear. “It's a process. But it's coming along. Talking to your brother has helped.”
Eamon wasn't able to be there for the party, but he was coming down the next day to stay with Colin until he left. Colin was going home for a few days, then he was headed to South Africa.
“I'm glad,” Colin said. “Eamon's a good guy.”
“Yes, he is.” Francisco smiled and took a sip of his drink. Then he paused—froze really—and Colin followed his line of sight, looking around behind him.
Jonathan was standing nearby, alone, watching them. He looked wary. He was holding a bottle of beer and biting at his lower lip. Colin turned back to Francisco.
“Don't make any decisions right now,” Colin said, close to his ear. “You don't have to. Take care of you first, before you decide what role anyone else is going to play in your life.”
Francisco nodded, still staring at Jonathan. Colin could feel the tension hanging between them, creeping over his own skin, and he decided to leave them alone to talk and went to find Jared.
“That's a really awkward situation,” Jared said, after Colin told him. “But you were right to tell Francisco that.”
“Yeah,” Colin flexed his fingers around his glass, looking around. He was getting tired of the crowd. “Whether it ends up being Eamon, Jonathan, or whoever, I think Francisco needs to figure himself out before he tries to figure anyone else out.”
Jared smiled at him, eyes sparkling. “You know, you keep this up and you might turn out to be a decent human being. Are you sure you want that sort of reputation?”
Colin smirked. “You're right, it's time to drink some more and make an arse out of myself. Maybe I can break something if I try.”
“Why don't you meet me at the top of those stairs in fifteen minutes?” Jared pointed toward a set of stone stairs at the back of the hall that disappeared into a high, dark stairwell. “I've figured out some of the layout of this place.”
Colin made sure not to get entangled in any conversations so he could escape, and even got up there a bit early. The stairs led to a shadowy corridor where a few electric lights had been rigged on cords that ran along the tops of the walls. It was mostly quiet, but there were a few people up there, mostly making out in the little alcoves that lined the walls. Colin lit up a cigarette, trying to be discreet while he waited. Somewhere down the hall, there was the soft sound of female laughter.
Jared arrived a few minutes later, and after a quick look around grabbed Colin's hand and led him down the corridor to another set of stairs, both of them glancing over their shoulders as they went. “Where are we going?” Colin whispered as they started up them.
“I found another way up to the rooms,” Jared whispered back. “Come on.”
It was slow going because it was dark, only a few windows here and there letting in light from outside. The night was moonless but the courtyards outside were all lit up for the party. At the top of the stairs Jared led him through a door and into another corridor, which had no lights like the one below.
“This place is haunted, you know,” Colin whispered, reaching out and finding Jared's waist in the darkness, slipping his arm around it. They were more or less feeling their way along, and Colin felt Jared's breath on his cheek as he turned his face toward him.
“Oh no,” Jared gasped in mock terror. “Hold me!”
Colin did more than hold him. He pressed him up against the stone wall of the corridor and they made out like teenagers, sucking hungrily at each other's mouths, hands everywhere, over and under each other's clothes, in each other's hair. Jared was warm and pliant against him, his scent perfuming the darkness.
“Where are the rooms at?” Colin growled against his lips. “Before I'm too fucking hard to walk.”
“This way,” Jared wiggled away from him, grabbing his hand. “Watch out for the ghosts.”
Jared did indeed get them to the part of the castle where their rooms were, through some twists and turns and another set of stairs. It felt surreal, running through an ancient castle in the darkness, lost and trusting Jared's judgment, their laughter echoing on the stones and down the corridors. Colin found it hard to believe there was a world beyond this one, and it would soon be sucking him back into its chaos.
They went to Jared's room, which was huge, a contrast in old and new. The stone walls, arched ceilings, and narrow windows were the original structure of the castle, except there was now glass in the windows. There was a huge fireplace in the main room and the floors were bare stone with enormous throw rugs over them. The décor was lavish and proper for a castle, but there was also a television, radio, lamps, and all sorts of modern amenities around. It was a strangely absurd sight.
“The bedroom's in here…” Jared was dragging him toward a wooden door on the other side of the room. “Wait till you see this.”
The bedroom was nearly as big as the main room, with a huge canopied bed draped with red curtains sitting right in the middle. There was another fireplace in the room, which had been lit by the service staff. It was warm.
“Nice,” Colin looked around. There was a huge mirror on the wall opposite the bed, reflecting the firelight into the room and giving everything a soft yellow glow. “My room is pretty much like this, actually.”
Jared smiled, kicking his boots off at the foot of the bed. “I really feel like Hephaistion now. King for a night.”
“Alexander was the king,” Colin pointed out.
“Well then,” Jared sat down on the end of the bed, giving a delighted sigh and running his fingers over the gold coverlet on it. “A queen, then.” He gave Colin a coy smile.
“I think after your outfit earlier we can go with that.”
The bed was soft and had layers upon layers of blankets and sheets, some silk, some flannel. It was like being wrapped up in a big, cozy nest, and they didn't need their clothes—not that they would have kept them on anyway. The touch of Jared's skin was even softer than the sheets, pressed against Colin's in the warmth beneath the covers.
“Two more days,” Jared said softly, gazing into Colin's eyes. The firelight was glowing in Jared's, making their blue depths amber. “You'll come to the airport with me, won't you?”
“Yes,” Colin said. He reached out and smoothed Jared's hair back from his face. “I'll hate it, but I will.”
Jared was going back to the U.S. for a while, until he decided on a project. He needed to go home as much as Colin had before he went to Ireland, and Colin didn't begrudge him it. It wasn't as if Colin wasn't about to be busy with something else very soon anyway. There would be visits, and phone calls, and for right now that would have to be enough.
“We won't grow apart, will we?” Jared asked softly. He found Colin's hand under the covers and laced his fingers with his. “Tell me we won't.”
“You know I can't promise that,” Colin squeezed his hand. “You know how life is. But we'll try. We'll try damn hard.”
Jared nodded, for he knew it as well as Colin did. Colin leaned in and captured his lips, just wanting to feel him for as long as he could. If all they had left was this night in this bed by the glow of the fire, in this ancient castle with its supposed ghosts, then he was going to wring every ounce from it and drink it down. He would keep the taste on his tongue and that would sustain him. At least for a while.
Jared drew back, smiling at him. “You're something remarkable, you know that?”
“I'm glad you thought so,” Colin smiled back at him.
So came an end, and a beginning. The circle had turned, and they were back in a huge bed, looking into each other's eyes and smiling, only this time they were different people, and they were each other's.
*****
The next few days Colin practically lived at the airport, seeing various people off. It was by far not the last time they would see each other—there were premieres and press conferences and promotions in the future, though they might be a year or more away. Still, it seemed every hug and sniffle made Colin a little more wistful, and every goodbye wave was a little harder to do. He had been through this before, many times, but this time it felt sharper for some reason. His pockets were full of bits of paper with phone numbers and addresses on them.
Francisco left the day after the party, and since Eamon was there he went with them to the airport. Jonathan had come along too, and it seemed he and Francisco were at least getting along.
“That's my cell phone, my home phone, and my email address,” Francisco was telling Colin, pointing them out on the little piece of paper he'd given him. “As soon as you get to South Africa, let me know how things are going.” He smiled fondly.
Colin gave him a long hug at the security gate, and then Eamon gave him one, which lasted even longer. Jonathan watched silently, his hands pushed into his pockets. He had barely spoken on the ride there.
“I'll see you soon,” Eamon stepped back from Francisco, smiling. “Maybe as soon as the holidays.”
It was early December now, and from what Eamon had said, Francisco was considering coming to Ireland for Christmas. Colin was hoping he could make it too, but he didn't know his shooting schedule yet.
Francisco nodded, his eyes a little bright. “Yes, I'll call you when I get home.” He turned to Jonathan then, drawing a deep breath.
They shared a hug longer than any of the others, and Jonathan was whispering something in Francisco's ear, Francisco nodding gently. Whatever it was, Jonathan wiped at his eyes when he pulled away. Francisco looked down, sniffing softly. Colin and Eamon exchanged a glance. Jonathan, after all, was from Ireland too, and Colin couldn't help but wonder if Francisco would be dividing up his visit. It was still an awkward situation, but at least Francisco seemed to be pulling himself together. He gave them a big smile as he went through the security gate, waving.
Inevitably came the hardest of all the departures for Colin.
Eamon drove Colin and Jared to the airport, Jared's suitcases in the trunk and his duffel bag sitting beside him on the backseat. Colin was sitting in the back with him and they were holding hands. Clutching hands, actually. So hard that Colin's fingers hurt.
Despite all their promises to keep in touch and see each other as much as they could, Colin couldn't help but wonder if this was really the last time they would see each other. Long distance relationships were the norm in this business, but failed in as great a quantity as they occurred. Soon Colin would be in another place with new friends and having new experiences, and the last three months would fade. He knew this, because that was how it always happened. Relationships were forgotten, feelings dulled. It was simply how things were.
They didn't speak much on the drive, but kept looking at each other. Colin's throat felt tight, his chest hurting. Their clasped hands were trembling.
Walking through the airport, Colin's legs felt like lead. He and Eamon helped Jared carry his bags to the check-in desk. Jared chuckled at his passport as he tucked it away. “This thing's got so many new stamps on it. I feel so worldly.”
They made their way to the security gate and stood off to the side. Jared checked his watch. “I should probably get to my gate soon.”
Jared looked up at Colin and Eamon, who were standing side by side, both with their hands in their pockets, gazing at him glumly. Colin took Jared in one last time. Jeans, faded gray t-shirt, his suede coat, his hair lying softly on his shoulders—he hadn't cut it yet. His beautiful blue eyes gleamed in the fluorescent lights.
“God, look at you guys,” Jared came forward, holding his arms out to both of them. “Who kicked your puppies?”
They both embraced him, snuggling him tight, Eamon burying his face against his shoulder and Colin pushing his nose into his hair, breathing him in one last time. Jared stroked their hair and chuckled softly. “Big babies.” When he drew back though, his eyes were bright and he sniffed.
Eamon was never one to suck it up and hide his emotions, and tears were streaking down his face. He wiped at them, sniffling. Colin blinked hard to keep his in check and Jared smiled softly at him. “I promise, this is not the last time you guys will see me. I'm like an infectious disease, I keep coming back.”
Eamon gave a harsh, wet laugh, and Jared hugged him again.
“You take care of yourself,” Eamon said softly, in a choked voice. He patted Jared's back and hair. “And you better keep in touch with me.”
“I will,” Jared drew back, smiling and stroking his hair. “Take care of Colin, all right? He's not as tough as he acts.”
“Oh I know that,” Eamon wiped at his eyes again with a shaky hand. “I know that.”
Jared turned to Colin and took both of his hands, clasping them. Colin drew a shaky breath, gazing at him.
“You have all my contact information,” Jared said.
Colin nodded, “Yes.” He bit his lower lip, trying to keep it from quivering. Jared had given him every possible way to get in touch with him—address, email, cell phone, land line, even Shannon's number and his mother's.
Jared moved in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. He whispered, “I love you.”
Colin gave him a gentle nuzzle and choked out, “I love you too.”
Jared pulling his hands slowly away from Colin's was like someone had inserted a hook in his guts and was slowly dragging them out. Jared gathered up his duffel bag and started to turn, then he stopped and looked back at Colin.
“Oh. I forgot to tell you. I took a project.”
Colin wiped quickly at his eyes and sniffed. “Oh? Did you?” He was trembling.
“Yes,” Jared smiled. “It's this project tentatively titled Lord of War. Sounds interesting, doesn't it?”
Colin nodded. “You'll have to tell me how it goes.”
“I will,” Jared adjusted the bag on his shoulder and smiled again. “It's filming in South Africa. So I figure I can just pop over and let you know.”
Colin thought he'd heard him wrong at first, but after staring at him for a stunned moment, Jared smiled wider and nodded. Colin laughed.
“I guess we will be seeing each other again then,” Eamon slid his arm around Colin's shoulders, grinning as well. “When I come down to visit Colin.”
Colin went over and pulled Jared into his arms. They clung to each other desperately, arms locked tight around each other. Jared whispered against his ear, “I'll see you soon.”
Colin didn't want to let him go, but this time it was easier, after hearing such news. As Colin watched him walk toward the security gate, he remembered something.
“Oh! Jared!” He quickly pushed his hand into his coat pocket.
Jared turned and looked back. Colin drew out a key and tossed it to him. Jared caught it, looked down at it, then looked back up at Colin, smiling.
“Anytime you want,” Colin said softly. Jared tucked it into his pocket, gazing at Colin.
“Come on,” Eamon said softly, his arm around Colin's shoulders again. “It's better if you don't watch him leave.”
“He's not going anywhere,” Colin said softly, walking slowly backwards as Eamon tugged him along. He put his hand over his heart, still gazing at Jared standing in line, gazing back at him. “He's right here.”
Jared put his hand over his heart as well, smiling.
THE END
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