The End of the Rope
The bitter chill off the water was starting to sink into Colin's skin, replacing trembling with shivering. Sitting on the patio of the hotel bar, watching the sky darken into the late autumn evening, he had smoked five cigarettes in the past twenty minutes and his lungs were burning. He thought about going up to get his coat, or at least going inside to get warm, but he felt plastered to the chair, unable to do anything but look into the distance at the high-rise buildings across the wharf, too scared to look closer to himself.
The inevitable footsteps came behind him. It could be one of two people, and thankfully it was the less terrifying.
“Christ, there you are!” Eamon stopped next to Colin's table, wrapped in his long black coat, the wind ruffling his hair. “What the fuck is going on!”
Colin didn't say anything. His teeth were chattering behind his pursed lips, his cigarette trembling between his fingers.
“Colin!”
“What?” Colin gritted out.
Eamon sighed and took his coat off. “What the fuck happened Colin? Why is everyone freaking out?” He swept the coat around Colin's shoulders. It was warm from his body and felt wonderful.
“I don't know.” Colin said.
“You don't know?” Eamon stood upright, looking down at him critically. “So you're just sitting out here freezing your arse off for no reason?”
Colin brought his cigarette to his lips, pulling a deep drag from it. He was actually high from the amount of nicotine he'd consumed in such a short time, which was something he rarely achieved with as much as he smoked. It made everything bright and fuzzy, his mind numb, though he figured that was from other things.
“I've had a very odd half hour. Would you like to hear about it?” Eamon folded his arms over his chest to fend off the cold. “You see, Shannon and I, we came downstairs, and we decided to have a drink in the bar before we left.” He nodded toward the building. “Then we get ready to leave, and Shannon remembers he forgot his gloves, so he runs back up to get them. I wait by the doors, and he comes back about five minutes later, looking all shaken up. I've never seen a man look so startled.”
Colin took another drag off his cigarette, even though it burned like hell.
“I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was sorry, that he just needed to go for a walk. I offered to go along with him, but he kept apologizing and saying he needed to be alone. Then he took off before I could get another word out of him. Well, imagine my confusion! So I head back upstairs to ask you guys what the hell is going on. I knock on Jared's door but I don't get an answer, so I thought maybe you guys had already left for the studio.”
“Eamon,” Colin said gruffly. “Listen—”
“No no, let me finish,” he held up a hand. He was shivering.
“At least put your fucking coat back on,” Colin started to pull it off, but Eamon stopped him.
“Sit.” He held his hands on Colin's shoulders so he couldn't take it off, standing behind him. “I came back downstairs and there was Jared, storming across the lobby. I caught up with him and asked him what was wrong. He was absolutely livid, and he told me he needed to find you. I said I thought you were with him. He didn't answer me and just took off toward the elevators. So I went looking for you too, and here I find you. But the funny part is, I'm still confused. So before we both freeze our balls off, why don't you shed some light on the situation?”
Colin looked down at his cigarette, then ground it out in the ashtray in front of him, where the remnants of his previous cigarettes rested. Eamon's hands were firm on his shoulders, still holding him in place.
“Was there a fight?” Eamon asked. “Did you and Jared get into a fight? Did you get in a fight with Shannon?”
“Shannon caught us having sex,” Colin said. Saying it didn't lessen the sheer wincing embarrassment of it like he hoped it would. Colin had hoped when he said it, it might even seem funny in retrospect. It didn't.
Eamon was quiet for a moment, his hands slowly relaxing on Colin's shoulders. “Oh,” he finally said. “And you freaked out, didn't you?”
“Yeah,” Colin gave a humorless laugh. “You could say that.” He was still grinding the butt of his cigarette into the ashtray, crushing it.
“How very like you,” Eamon tightened his grip again and started rubbing. Colin could hear his teeth chattering. “You're always so catastrophic, even over little things.”
“It's not a little thing!” Colin said sharply. “It's bad enough you know, without his fucking brother knowing too!”
“And what do you think will happen now? Maybe all your fans will find out and abandon you. Maybe the Prime Minister will toss you out of the country. Maybe God Himself will reach down and tap you on the forehead and damn you to Hell. I'm sure the world will end by this time tomorrow.”
If Eamon wasn't holding him so firmly in his seat he would have gotten up and left.
“Colin,” Eamon leaned over him. He still had his scarf on and it draped over Colin's shoulder. “It's not the end of the world. It's just a little fuck up.”
“I would rather my personal life not be subject to everyone.”
“Shannon is hardly ‘everyone,'” Eamon scoffed. “He's one man, who happens to be your lover's brother, and if I know anything about family, and I damn well think I do, you might as well have been caught by a blind man, for all the more it'll be spread around.”
Colin knew he was right, but he was still reeling from the embarrassment and shock. It was much easier to listen to reason than to implement it.
Eamon sighed, then spoke softly. “Do you remember how Dad reacted when he found out about me?”
Colin looked down at the table. He had crushed the butt into oblivion and his trembling fingers skimmed the edge of the ashtray “I wasn't there, but I heard.”
“Yeah, well.” Eamon started rubbing his shoulders again. “He sputtered, and yelled, but that was nothing new. He sputtered and yelled all the time. I could handle that. But he said something that really hurt at the time, and I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened then.”
Colin wasn't sure he wanted to hear this, but he couldn't get away.
“He said—” Eamon hesitated, then went on, his voice level. “He said he couldn't believe he'd given his name to a sissy little molly. That it should have been you who got it. That's when I quit using the junior.”
Colin swallowed and looked off across the water. “I didn't know about that. But it sounds like him.”
“Yeah,” Eamon was quiet for a moment, his fingers still digging gently into Colin's shoulders. “It wasn't the worst thing that could happen though, Colin. I didn't die from it. I even got over it eventually. Nothing can hurt you so bad that it kills you, if you don't let it.” He slipped a hand around and pressed it to Colin's cheek, his fingers nearly as cold as Colin's face. “And loving someone is certainly not the worst thing that can happen either, even if it changes everything you know about yourself.”
Colin blinked, his eyes too dry from the wind to be wet, which he was glad for. After a moment he got up, slowly, and turned toward Eamon. Eamon was shivering, his cheeks red. Colin pulled his coat off and draped it back around his shoulders. “He shouldn't have said that to you,” Colin said softly.
“It doesn't matter anymore,” Eamon tugged the coat around himself, not protesting this time, and gave Colin a little smile. “I showed him. I showed them all. Every single day, I show them. So when you say you can't be like me, maybe you should think about what it means to be like me.”
Colin gazed at him, crossing his arms over himself to fend off the wind. He was trying to think of something to say, but just then the door to the bar flew open.
Jared had a t-shirt on now and he was still in his sweats, a pair of slippers on his feet. His hair was immediately kicked up by the wind as he stepped outside, his eyes blazing. The look on his face told Colin this wasn't going to be easy. Indeed, Jared was shouting before he even got to him.
“There you are! You stupid, fucked up, insecure little bastard!”
Eamon stood aside and let him come through. Jared stopped in front of Colin, fuming, teeth clenched. His eyes were bright.
“How could you do that! How could you just fucking walk out! How could you be inside me and then just fucking run out like that!” There was a hitch to his voice as he said it. He gave Colin a hard punch to the shoulder.
“Hey!” Colin backed up, rubbing it. “How about we not have this fucking conversation in front of my brother!”
“Fuck him!” Jared launched forward and punched Colin in the other shoulder. “And fuck you! How could you do that to me! You are the most selfish, self-serving bastard on this fucking planet, I swear to God! All you care about is your goddamn pride!”
“Quit fucking hitting me!” Colin shoved him back, which was probably a mistake given Jared's state of mind. “Your fucking brother walked in on us having sex! Does that not bother you at all?”
“He's my brother!” Jared screamed, coming back at him. Colin flinched. “He's not going to fucking tell anybody! Which is all you're fucking concerned about! This is all about your goddamn ego, and what makes you feel comfortable! What makes you happy!”
“Oh yes, and fuck all the progress I've made! How much have I fucking given to you? And you're pissed off because I'm a little upset because someone caught us HAVING SEX!”
“I'm pissed off because you walked out on me!” Jared's eyes were brimming with tears. He was seething, looking at Colin as though he were about to attack again. “I asked you not to leave!” His voice cracked, and fell lower. “I asked you not to leave me.”
“I told you I needed to be alone! I was gonna come back! I had to pull my head together, and I did!” He looked desperately toward Eamon, who was standing watching stoically, his arms crossed. “Tell him!”
Jared lurched forward, and Colin didn't have time to block him. He had a hell of a right hook, and it landed squarely on Colin's jaw, sending him sprawling into a table behind him. His vision blurred for a second, then sharpened again as the pain flooded in. At least he hadn't hit him in the nose. Eamon didn't move an inch, just winced.
“Fuck you,” Jared spat at Colin as he slumped against the table, blinking in shock. “Fuck you to hell.”
Jared turned and stormed back toward the bar, wiping at his face. Eamon glanced at Colin, then went after him.
“Oh yeah, fucking go comfort him!” Colin slurred, tasting blood. “Fuck!” He rubbed at his jaw and groaned in agony, wondering if he'd loosened any teeth.
Jared and Eamon disappeared into the bar, leaving Colin to lick his wounds.
Colin pulled himself over to one of the chairs and sat there for a few minutes, glad it was cold out, because it impeded the swelling. He hadn't thought he could possibly feel any lower, but he'd been wrong.
****
Oliver was not pleased with Colin, and didn't seem to believe his rather convoluted story about slipping on a newspaper and falling down the stairs in front of the hotel. In fact, it completely fell through when Oliver said, “Have you been fighting with Jared again?” and Colin answered, “No, he did most of the fighting.”
Oliver had to call shooting off that night since his main actor had a swollen jaw, and assured Colin that the time and money they lost was coming out of both their asses. Oliver also wondered, perhaps with a bit more than a simple desire to scare him, if it was too late to replace them.
Colin got some ice from the machine down the hall and paced his room with a rag full of it against his cheek. The first knock that came at his door was Eamon.
“He's pretty upset,” Eamon said, watching Colin pace around like a caged animal. “I think you've fucked it up for good this time.”
“Whatever,” Colin said, his voice still slurred from the swelling. “He got his parting shot. I can't believe you just stood there and let him do it.”
“You fucking deserved it.”
“Just get the fuck out!” Colin stopped pacing and pointed forcefully toward the door. Eamon just gave him a complacent look.
“Fuck you,” Colin said, and started pacing again.
“I can't fucking believe you,” Eamon sounded disgusted. “You're such a goddamn fuck up and you cling tenaciously to it. That's why you can't even be forgiven.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do!” Colin yelled, and it made him wince. “You just said it yourself! I fucked it up for good this time!”
“What should you do?” Eamon came toward him, eyes flashing. “I can't believe you don't even know. You should be at his door right now, beating it down, begging him to forgive you. All he's wanted from you is some sign that you care more about someone else than you do yourself. That doesn't require you to get up on a fucking podium and announce it to the world. And you can't even give him that!”
“Why can't he give me what I need? Some fucking patience!”
“Oh God,” Eamon looked upwards. “Even Jesus fucking Christ Almighty himself couldn't give you the fucking patience you require. No matter how much time someone gives you, you're never ready. You're never happy.”
“I can't change overnight, Eamon!”
“It's been three fucking months!”
Colin glared at him. Eamon turned away, seething, pacing furiously for a moment, then he turned back to him. “I'll be fucking blunt here, and you can mock me if you see fit. But I would give,” he gritted his teeth, pointing in the general direction of Jared's room. “I would—I would shave ten fucking years off my life for a man like that! For him. He's brilliant and beautiful and unwaveringly fucking loyal. And you don't deserve that. You're an asshole, and all you do is hurt him.” He backed away, waving his hand, his voice strained. “All you do is hurt him.”
They were silent for a few minutes, Eamon standing with his hands on his hips, looking down, his hair obscuring his face. Colin stood with the rag against his cheek, cold seeping into him, feeling like all the things Eamon had just pronounced him as.
“He'll be gone soon,” Colin said softly. “Since the day he stepped on the set, he's just been getting closer to being out of my life. That's how this business works. You don't understand it Eamon.”
Eamon looked up at him. His eyes were bright, but he wasn't crying.
“And if I…” Colin hesitated, then went on, almost in a whisper. “If I let myself feel too much for him, then when he goes, he'll take my heart with him. So it's better this way.”
Eamon looked thoughtful for a moment, then he spoke softly as well. “It's a small world Colin. You left home, but I'm here. That's why God made planes.”
“Yes, but if I let myself, I won't be able to live one day without him. Then where will we be?” The words were heavy, and they fell like stones from Colin's mouth. They hurt, even outside him.
Eamon studied him for a long moment, then he slowly came over and wrapped his arms around him. “Do me a favor,” he whispered against Colin's shoulder. “Go tell Jared what you just said to me. Please? He needs to hear it right now so much more than I do.”
Fifteen minutes later, having built up his courage to at least a functional level, Colin dropped his forehead against Jared's door, rapping softly.
When it opened, Shannon was standing there. He gave Colin a wary look.
“Is Jared here?” Colin said softly. He couldn't look him in the eye.
“Yeah, but…I don't know if he wants to talk to you right now.”
Jared came around the corner of the short hallway, stopping when he saw Colin. He was still dressed in his sweats and t-shirt, his hair pulled back now. His eyes looked puffy and red. He was always so much better at that ‘expressing your feelings' shit than Colin was.
“Can I talk to you?” Colin said softly, motioning out into the hallway. “Please?”
Jared just stood there. Shannon looked distinctly uncomfortable. After a minute, Jared padded out into the hallway. “I'll be right back,” he whispered to Shannon as he passed. The door closed behind him.
In the bright light of the hallway, Jared looked even worse, the whites of his eyes shot through with red. He wasn't making any effort to hide it from Colin. He stood in front of him, arms crossed, chin tilted up.
“I wanted…” Colin struggled to find the right words. It was still hard to talk with his swollen jaw. “I wanted to say I'm sorry. And…you've heard me say I'm an asshole so many times I doubt it has much impact anymore, but I am.”
“I can't keep doing this,” Jared said firmly, looking him in the eye. “I've been astonishingly dumb in taking it this long.”
“So why do you?” Colin said, his voice still soft.
The light in Jared's eyes changed, the surfaces filming over. “Because,” he said softly, his voice barely controlled. “I love you.” His lower lip quivered and he drew it in, sucking at it and stilling it. “Or I did,” he gave a little shrug, glancing away. “You're not an easy man to love.”
“I know,” Colin whispered. “But thank you, for even bothering to. For seeing something in me that was worth loving.”
Jared looked back at him, his eyes getting even brighter. He was trying very hard to keep his expression stoic, but it kept wavering.
“I know you don't want anymore excuses, and you shouldn't take them. But…” Colin thought of his words to Eamon. “I've been scared, every moment since I met you, of feeling too much for you.”
“Why?” Jared gave a wet sniff. “I'm hardly the whirlwind you are.” He shook his head, his tongue playing along his teeth.
“No, that's not what I mean.” Colin drew a heavy breath, steeling himself. “See, in a few weeks, you're going to be gone. Maybe forever.” He softened his voice again. “I've been at this for a long time. I've forgotten people's names, or what they were like when I knew them. I don't want you to be a footnote in the story of my life.”
“You're making me one by not allowing yourself to feel for me,” Jared said, looking at him pointedly, his voice still strained. “Don't you see, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? You don't want to love me so you won't have to forget me. So your answer to that is to forget me? How does that make sense?”
“I just…” Colin found it hard to say, but he forced the words out. “I don't want to hurt like that.”
Jared shook his head and said softly, “You don't want to love, and you don't want to hurt. Do you feel anything at all? How empty your life must be, afraid of every emotion.”
“And how chaotic yours must be, so full of it you suck everyone in with you,” Colin said, not accusingly, but with a sort of reverence.
Jared tilted his head, looking at him with the kind of surety that Colin knew he would never experience for himself. “I may suck everyone in, but at least I'm never alone.”
Colin studied him for a long moment, then he reached out and touched his cheek gently, dragging his knuckles across it. Jared gazed at him, his throat working.
“I wish I was a better person,” Colin said softly. “How beautiful we would have been.”
Jared blinked several times, then turned his face to Colin's hand, taking it in one of his own and pressing his lips to his palm. He whispered, “I think you do feel, you feel so strongly you're numb to it.” A tear slipped down his cheek, glittering in the hallway light. He looked back at Colin, his eyes wet and soft. “Maybe I'm the bad person, because I couldn't change it.”
Colin drew his hand away from his cheek and pulled him into his arms, pressing his face against his shoulder. Jared wrapped his arms tightly around him, clinging to him. Colin thought he had never felt anything so good as how Jared felt in his arms, and all the fear and uncertainty in the world couldn't quench that completely.
“Jared,” Colin lifted his head and whispered against his ear. “I don't know what to do anymore.”
“I don't either,” Jared's voice was shaky. “I don't know how to make it work and I don't know how to walk away from it.”
Colin swallowed, squeezing him tighter. “I do feel, even if I ignore it,” he whispered. “I feel so much.”
“I know,” Jared whispered back. “I know.”
“Jared,” Colin drew back and looked into his eyes. Gazing into those wounded blue depths, he felt something sweep over him, so powerful and debilitating it held him there in the moment, unable to do anything but obey it. His heart was racing, making his hands tremble again. It seemed they had been trembling for hours.
“Yes?” Jared whispered, gazing at him hopefully.
“It probably doesn't make a bit of difference now, I've fucked things up so badly,” Colin drew a shaky breath. “But I should have told you long before this. I lo—”
“Colin? Jared?”
They both looked up, quickly stepping away from each other, though not perhaps as fast as they should have. Oliver was standing there in the hallway, his coat on, cheeks flushed as if he had just come in from outside. He had a confused expression for a moment, looking first at Colin, then at Jared.
“Oliver.” Jared wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat. “What are you doing here? Did you come to fire us?”
“No,” Oliver approached them, and it became swiftly apparent that something was wrong. His face looked drawn, his eyes filled with worry.
“What's going on?” Colin asked, a feeling of dread sweeping over him.
“I'm afraid I have some bad news.”
Jared frowned and looked at Colin. Colin frowned back, and they both looked at Oliver. “What is it?” Colin asked.
“Francisco's been taken to the hospital.”
Colin and Jared looked at each other again, this time in surprise. Colin looked back at Oliver, frowning in confusion. “What happened?”
“Was there an accident?” Jared asked anxiously.
“No…” Oliver seemed hesitant. He cleared his throat. “As far as anyone knows right at the moment, he took a bunch of painkillers. Seems he had them because of stress injuries he's had in the past.”
For a minute the shock didn't even register, then Colin's mouth fell open. He had to struggle to form words. “He tried to kill himself?”
“My God, why!” Jared's voice rose.
“Where's he at?” Colin asked. “Where did they take him?”
Oliver told them, and Colin went back to grab his coat while Jared threw some clothes on. Eamon was still in Colin's room, waiting for him.
“Well?” Eamon looked anxiously at him.
“I can't talk right now, I have to get to the hospital.”
Eamon frowned, getting up from his chair. “What's going on? Is it Jared?”
“No. Francisco tried to kill himself!” Colin found his knit cap and jammed it on his head as he rushed to the door. “Christ, I can't believe this!”
“What!” Eamon gasped, following him.
They met up with Jared in the hallway, Shannon standing in the doorway of their room looking confused and out of place. Colin was too focused on other things at the moment to feel awkward around him. “Let's go,” Jared said. “Fucking Christ, what the hell brought this on!”
“I'll tell you on the way to the hospital,” Colin said, pressing his hand into the small of Jared's back as they went.
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